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Monday, August 31, 2015

HE NEVER GOT NO RESPECT




Rodney Dangerfield got no respect but we sure miss him.  He & Henny Youngman were the kings of the one liners.  Susan (of I think, therefore I yam) sent me this.  Thank you, Susan!!

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor--it was self-service.                      .

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'                     

I knew a girl so ugly they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen, the roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the- Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me from a hotel.

My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

It's been a rough day. I got up this morning, put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

I was such an ugly kid!  When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

I'm so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through anyway."

I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness--after I was born.

I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I'm so ugly, I once worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.

I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "Nothing, your eyesight is perfect."

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times--three of those times I was reading it.

One year they wanted to make me a poster boy--for birth control.

My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.

A classic video from 1978 & still funny!!















If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments----fishducky

 







14 comments:

  1. Yay for Calvin.
    And you have just boosted my self-esteem. I never drink from the toilet.

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    1. Not while people are watching, anyway!!

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  2. oh man, I love this kind of humor! laughed out loud A LOT! and we have to laugh at ourselves. it's more fun to live that way!

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  3. Rodney was the best!

    And of course my favorite one liner..."Take my wives...please!"

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  4. Really miss the king of the one liners. Thanks for the reminder of just how funny he was. Loved the kitty seeing himself as a lion.

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    1. I don't think the latest generation of comics are quite as funny!!

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  5. The recent comics rely too much on shock and foul language...which to me, proves they aren't really that funny.

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    1. Swearing is effective for its shock value--if used every other word there's NO shock value!!

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  6. Rodney was a terrific comedian. Just hearing his famous line about not getting respect starts me laughing.

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    1. I rode in an elevator with him once--he was fiddling with his tie!!

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  7. I had no idea Rodney Dangerfield died. When did that happen?
    I love those types of jokes, funny without the smutty and wish more comedians could do this type of work.

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    1. Rodney Dangerfield (born Jacob Rodney Cohen, November 22, 1921 – October 5, 2004)

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Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.