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Thursday, September 3, 2015

CHILDREN, CHILDREN, EVERYWHERE, NOR ANY STOP TO THINK--THE ANCIENT BLOGGER



Do you have older and/or younger siblings?  If you do, then the miserable person you have become is not your fault.  ArcaMax explained how mothers react to the birth order of their children:

YOUR CLOTHES: 

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy. 

2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible. 

3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes. 



PREPARING FOR THE BIRTH: 

1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously. 

2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing. 

3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month. 


THE LAYETTE: 

1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau. 

2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains. 

3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they? 


WORRIES: 

1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby. 

2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn. 

3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing. 


PACIFIER: 

1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it. 

2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle. 

3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in. 


DIAPERING: 

1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not. 

2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed. 

3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees. 


ACTIVITIES: 

1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour. 

2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics. 

3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner. 


GOING OUT: 

1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times. 

2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached. 

3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood. 


AT HOME: 

1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby. 

2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby. 

3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children. 


SWALLOWING COINS: 

1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays. 

2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass. 

3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!!

____________________
Kid's views on dating & marriage:

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? 

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. --Alan, age 10 

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. --Kirsten, age 10 

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED? 


Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. --Camille, age 10



No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. --Freddie, age 6 


HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED? 

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. --Derrick, age 8 

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON? 

Both don't want any more kids. --Lori, age 8 

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? 

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. --Lynnette, age 8 

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. --Martin, age 10 

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR? 

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. --Craig, age 9 

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? 

When they're rich. --Pam, age 7 

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. --Curt, age 7 

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. --Howard, age 8 

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? 

I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out. --Theodore, age 8 

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. --Anita, age 9 

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED? 

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? --Kelvin, age 8 

And the #1 favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck. --Ricky, age 10
____________________
Some (purportedly) true examples of how children look at things:


My 4-year-old son came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. He stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.” 


I was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the bottle. During my struggle the phone rang so I asked my 4-year-old daughter to answer it. "It's the minister, Mommy," my child said to me. Then she said to our minister, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle." 



I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt! 




MY little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. He watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?" 


While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!" 


My little girl was watching us dress for a formal party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning." 


My daughter had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she told me. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"


My young son opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?", I asked. With astonishment in his voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!!”


Sometimes we find it necessary to 
apologize for our children's behavior:



Tired of TV & cell phones hijacking your dinnertime?











Good parenting never stops:

If your kids text you "plz" because it's shorter than "please", text them back "no" because it's shorter than "yes"----fishducky

  



   

20 comments:

  1. It is a wonder that any child survives to adulthood. Luckily most of them are very cute. When they aren't being foul... And way too honest about your failings.

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  2. kids crack me up. however, seems like some of them already know too much, lol!

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  3. I remember those days of being really up tight with the first kid, then declining with the next two. And pictures! My youngest complains that there aren't nearly as many pictures of her as her older sister.

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    1. I'm pretty sure my youngest's baby book would the same way--if I could find it!!

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  4. Loved the first,second, third children.Epidural in your eighth month cracked me up. Being the third child, I got away with murder largely because of pooped parents.

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    1. I was the second & last--my parents still had some energy left!!

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  5. Everything ends with third child. I was #6. I don't think my parents noticed I was alive until I learned to drive.

    Love,
    Janie

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    Replies
    1. Didn't your mother notice the house was getting more & more crowded?

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  6. For the third baby your regular clothes ARE maternity clothes. Love It!

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    Replies
    1. I DIDN'T, but then you're a man....!!

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  7. ohhh, these are so perfect. Santa photo--I hope it made the mantle place of honor.

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    1. That's where it belongs, ABSOLUTELY!!

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  8. Good stuff! I especially like the first one about how different we are with the first, second, and third kid, because there's a lot of truth to it. Our first kid? We probably have five or more picture albums devoted to his first few years of life. Our third kid? Here she is at birth... here she is at graduation... here's her wedding day. Not QUITE that bad, but pretty darned close.

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    1. I was serious about not being able to find my youngest's book!!

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  9. I don't even know where to start. :)

    The cartoon in the beginning reminds me of my parenting moto:

    "When I was younger I always said "I'd never do that" and "I'll raise my kids like this". Now I say, Whatever works!

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    1. How about "I'll never yell like my mother did!!"?

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  10. "Darling, I want you to have my children...." that just cracked me up. I'm using that on one of my Wednesdays.
    We had a playpen but I never used it for myself, we put it around the Christmas tree while the kids were little, the rest of the year it was folded to a pyramid/triangle/tent climbing ladder thingy and the kids played all over it outside.
    in the first section, you mentioned baby 1, baby 2, baby 3, but there's no mention of baby 4.
    The fourth baby is the best! The other three are old enough to help care for him and young enough to enjoy carting him around everywhere with them like a doll or puppy.

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    Replies
    1. They never mentioned a fourth baby at Sunny Pines Rest Home!!

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