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Friday, October 2, 2015

A STORY ABOUT TOM, TOLD RATHER SWIFTLY




For those of you who don't know what a "Tom Swiftie" is, a definition: play on words consisting of a made-up 
quotation followed by a punning adverb.

And some examples:








Got it?  Good.
Now onto my story:


Tom Swift thought that life was too difficult for him.  “There’s never a long period of sunshine for me,” he thought darkly.   “I can’t even brush my teeth without dropping the toothpaste,” tom thought, crestfallen. “My situation is pretty grave,” he said cryptically.   “I’m a broken man,” he cracked.  “I must have been cheated,” he recounted.  "I'm not even good at darts," he said aimlessly.  “And what’s more, I hate math,” he added.

“My doctor’s rich—maybe he’ll loan me enough money to open a restaurant,” he thought with interest.  He made an appointment, went to his office & waited patiently.  The nurse called his name.  “I’m here,” said Tom presently.  She asked him what his problem was.  “I pulled a hamstring,” he answered limply, "and my elbow's so sore," he said disarmingly, "that I couldn't tie my shoelaces," he went on discordantly.

They went into the exam room.  "I'll just turn on this lamp," the nurse said enlighteningly.  There was a window open.  “I feel a draft,” he said coolly.  The nurse asked him to undress.  “I have no pants,” he said briefly.  “I lost them in the stock market,” he speculated.  “I should have worn suspenders,” he upheld.  Tom looked out the window & saw a river.  “That’s a pretty brook,” he babbled.  “Fish seem to like me,” he said with baited breath. “You’ll have to excuse me.  I’m not myself today,” Tom said, being frank.
 
The doctor came in & Tom started to tell him his plans for the restaurant.  The doctor stopped him, saying “You’re just another gay stranger who wants me to loan him money.”  “I’m not gay,” Tom said with a straight face.  “And I’m not a stranger, I’m your mother’s brother’s father-in-law’s third cousin,” he said relatedly.  “My side of the family lives mostly in California,” Tom stated, "but I have an aunt who lives in Brussels," he sprouted.

“Go ahead--I see myself as an open minded person,” the doctor said upon reflection.

“I originally thought I’d serve two minute eggs,” he whispered softly.  “Then I changed my mind & decided on hamburgers & hot dogs,” Tom said with relish.  “No fancy orange garnishes,” he told him fruitlessly.  “It’ll be a small place, with several tables for two,” he said without reservation.  “I usually use only one herb when I cook,” he said sagely.  “But sometimes I add a little sesame,” he said openly.  “I guess I could spice it up a little if you wanted,” Tom said gingerly.  "I would like to serve some candy or dessert," he added sweetly.  "I like Easter candy," Tom peeped.  "Do you think we should serve martinis?" Tom asked, dryly.  "The waitstaff would take orders in ink, because you can't write with broken pencils," he said pointedly "And I'd like to open it soon," he added hurriedly.

“What experience do you have in business?” asked the doctor.  “I’ve had a lot of jobs--I’m just an average guy,” he answered meanly.  "I've never been in the top ten of anything," Tom admitted listlessly.  "I was in the Peace Corps," he volunteered.  “I once worked in an automobile muffler factory,” he said exhaustively.  “They fired me from my job as a phone psychic,” he said predictably.  “I was trained as an electrician,” Tom said shockingly.  “I tried working at Minute Maid orange juice,” he told the doctor, concentrating.  “I taught at the university for a while,” Tom professed.  “Now I write elevator music,” he noted, “and I used to feed the lions at the zoo,” he added offhandedly.

“Do you think your restaurant could be a success?” the doctor asked him.  “I have no idea,” Tom replied thoughtlessly.  "But it's a good time for new investments.  The stock market is strong again," Tom said bullishly.  “We would be equal partners & if I die, you’d get everything,” he told him willingly.  “Everything?” asked the doctor.  “Absolutely, totally, completely,” Tom uttered.

“In that case, I’d like to toast the two of us,” the doctor said warmly!!


I could only find two Tom Swiftie cartoons,
so how about some random funny stuff, she asked amusingly:
























Procrastinate later----fishducky

 


22 comments:

  1. Big smiles. And I love the Pessimystic. I suspect that any real mystic has tendencies that way.

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  2. My childhood was enhanced and informed by the Tom Swift series, which consumed a whole section of my parents' hall shelves. I didn't know until after I grew up that Victor Appleton was not an individual but a pseudonym used by the Stratemeyer Syndicate. It was then that I began to understand the fun of Tom Swifties --each writer used the quote-adverbs to unify their style. Such fun! And your parody examples are hilarious.

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  3. Procrastinate later? Okay....
    giggled at the boomeringue

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  4. I like it when Tom speaks abstractly.

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  5. "Great post!" Cranky said loudly.

    I know, I suck at this.

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  6. What an amazing tale you raise.

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  7. I love your Tom Swifty story. Very clever! I'd attempt a Swifty in my comment, but my brain isn't working this morning... I said empty-headedly.

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  8. Great story!!
    Pigs think everything is hilarious! I can't get that out of my head now, she snorted. ;)

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  9. I didn't know what a Tom Swiftie was. Excellent!

    Love,
    Janie

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  10. "Midhusbands are unrefined," she said crudely

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    Replies
    1. "Val wins the funniest response prize," she judged.

      Delete

Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.