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Tuesday, October 20, 2015

WITH AGE COMES WISDOM--& HOT FLASHES or THE DISINTEGRATION OF FISHDUCKY (PART 1)

I am SO sick of these hot flashes!!


I have finally reached the ripe old age of 36 (all right, 81!) & have long since completed the change of life.  Don't ask me what I was before I changed!! I remember this, though:

Several years ago, Bud & I took a cruise to Mexico.  The ship docked near a beautiful lagoon so the passengers could go swimming in the ocean.  We were in our bathing suits & my hair was soaking wet & plastered to my head.  Next to us was a man with his two small children who were wondering out loud if the water was too cold to swim in.  The father suggested to his kids that they ask me, because it was obvious that I had just been swimming.  I hadn't gone in yet!!   I don't know if I was having a hot flash or if it was the weather--or a combination of both.
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My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. 

When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond . . .
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Take all American women who are in menopause, train us for a few weeks, outfit us with automatic weapons, grenades, gas masks, moisturizer with SPF15, Prozac, hormones, chocolate, and canned tuna. Drop us (parachuted, preferably) across the landscape of Afghanistan, and let us do what comes naturally.

Think about it. Our anger quotient alone, even when doing standard stuff like grocery shopping and paying bills, is formidable enough to make even armed men in turbans tremble.

We've had our children; we would gladly suffer or die to protect them and their future. We'd like to get away from our husbands, if they haven't left already. And for those of us who are single, the prospect of finding a good man with whom to share life is about as likely as being struck by lightning. We have nothing to lose.

We've survived the water diet, the protein diet, the carbohydrate diet, and the grapefruit diet in gyms and saunas across America and never lost a pound. We can easily survive months in the hostile terrain of Afghanistan with no food at all!

We've spent years tracking down our husbands or lovers in bars, hardware stores, or sporting events . . . finding a terrorist in some cave will be no problem.

Uniting all the warring tribes of Afghanistan in a new government? Oh, please . . . we've planned the seating arrangements for in-laws and extended families at Thanksgiving dinners for years, trust me, we understand tribal warfare.

Between us, we've divorced enough husbands to know every trick there is for how they hide, launder, or cover up bank accounts and money sources. We know how to find that money and we know how to seize it . . . with or without the government's help!!

Let us go and fight. The Taliban hates women. Imagine their terror as we crawl like ants with hot-flashes over their godforsaken terrain.



I'm going to write my Congresswoman. You should, too!!
dennydavis.net
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Introducing the new, improved MIDLIFE BARBIE: Now at long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic . . .

Bifocals Barbie - Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.


Hot Flash Barbie - Press Barbie's belly-button and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with hand held fan and tiny tissues.


Facial Hair Barbie - As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.


Flabby Arms Barbie - Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front too - muumuus with tummy-support panels are included.


Bunion Barbie - Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.


No-More-Wrinkles Barbie - Erase those pesky crow's feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.


Mid-Life Crisis Barbie - It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Biff (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Ferrari and heading for the Napa Valley to open a Bed and Breakfast. Includes a tape of "Breaking Up is Hard to Do."


Divorced Barbie - Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.


Post-Menopausal Barbie - This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Biff sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus, the book "Getting in Touch with Your Inner Self" is included.

dennydavis.net



This is the song, "Heat Wave":

These are the lyrics to "Hot Flash"
from Menopause the Musical,
sung to the same tune:

I'm having a hot flash
A tropical hot flash
My personal summer is really a bummer
I'm having a hot flash.
Comes on like a car crash
No warning just hot flash
Outside it is nippy, but I'm hot and drippy
I'm having a hot flash




























Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened----fishducky

 








29 comments:

  1. I LOVED Menopause the Musical. Himself, who saw it with me, sat quietly, wincing at intervals...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I LOVED it, too--as did the group of women who went with me!!

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    2. I missed it, couldn't afford the ticket at the time. Read about it in the paper though, got a lot of laughs from the review.

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    3. You should see if you can find it online--it's well worth the search!!

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    4. great idea - Amazon here I come.

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  2. Hilarious Fran. I think you've arrived at a natural solution to the terrorist issue.

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  3. I thought with age came caution when putting on your sneakers. Because your testicles may have dropped inside.
    Of course, you're a girl, so I won't complain about having to pee several times during the night, either.

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    Replies
    1. I've never had a testicle problem but I still have to pee several times during the night!!

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  4. I bet any one who gets hot flashes will get a lot of laughs from this post.
    Right now my husband seems to be getting hot flashes. He is seventy six and he practically lies without a shirt.
    For some reason, we don't make fun of men when they get hot. I guess we ladies have to have clothes on all the time, therefore it seems like we are hotter than ever.

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    Replies
    1. May I suggest you show him the above cartoon, "If men had hot flashes"!!

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  5. Mrs C is going through a "stage"...every time she complains about something I star to sing "I Enjoy Being a Girl."

    Guess what she calls me.

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  6. You definitely have the solution to Afghanistan. They wouldn't have a chance.

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    Replies
    1. You've convinced me--I am absolutely forwarding this to the White House!!

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  7. Love it all!! Especially the mid-life Barbies!! :)

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    Replies
    1. I both empathized & commiserated with her!!

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  8. I'll write my congressman right away and tell them about your superb idea!

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    Replies
    1. Do you think we should start a petition?

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  9. Been there done that know what you are on about.
    Merle............

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Like hitting yourself on the head with a hammer because it feels so good when you stop!!

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  10. Am I the only one wondering why the turkey's pop timer went "Poop"?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You mean instead of "pop"? I hadn't noticed it!!

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  11. ACK! The night-peeing! I think my husband is thisclose to telling me to make an appointment to get my prostate checked.

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    Replies
    1. They'd have to find it before they can check it!!

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  12. I'm disappointed to find the hot flashes still get me now and again, I'm over 60 for criminy's sake! I'm also disappointed that when I divorced my Ken, all I got was the kids and the bills that go with them. (And the furniture)

    Muu-Muus have tummy support panels?

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    Replies
    1. I get soaking wet when my blood sugar drops too low. Are you sure that's not your problem?

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    2. No, it's the caffeine from too many coffees or hot chocolates. Did you know that chocolate heats the blood? The hot flushes are why I gave up more than 50% of my intake. I just overdo it now and again, then find I can't sleep because I'm hot flashing all night.

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    3. Good--low blood sugar SUCKS!!

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Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.