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Monday, November 30, 2015

"TACT IS THE ABILITY TO TELL SOMEONE TO GO TO HELL IN SUCH A WAY THAT THEY LOOK FORWARD TO THE TRIP."----WINSTON CHURCHILL



Winston Churchill was a master of the "polite insult".  Here are some of his quotes:


George Bernard Shaw once sent Winston Churchill some tickets for the first night of one of his plays.   Churchill then sent Shaw a telegram to the effect: "Cannot come first night.   Will come second night if you have one." Shaw promptly replied: "Here are two tickets for the second night.   Bring a friend if you have one."
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“I told a woman she was ugly and she said 'Sir! You are drunk,' to which I replied, 'I am drunk today, madam, and tomorrow I shall be sober but you will still be ugly.'”
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“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
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An old battleax of a woman said to Winston Churchill, "If you were my husband I would put poison in your tea." Churchill's response, "Ma'am, if you were my wife I would drink it.” 
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"Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing ever happened." 
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"In those days he was wiser than he is now - he used frequently to take my advice." 
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"Don't interrupt me while I'm interrupting."
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"He is a sheep in sheep's clothing."
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"In the course of my life, I have often had to eat my words, and I must confess that I have always found it a wholesome diet."
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A Member of Parliament once asked him, “Must you always fall asleep when I’m speaking?”  His answer, “No, it’s purely voluntary!!”
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And some memorable quotes from others:

“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.”--Paul Keating

“He was distinguished for ignorance; for he had only one idea, and that was wrong.”--Benjamin Disraeli

“He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.”--Samuel Foote

“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.”--Forrest Tucker

“She runs the gamut of emotions from A to B.”--Dorothy Parker

“If all the girls attending [the Yale prom] were laid end to end, I wouldn't be at all surprised.”--Dorothy Parker

“That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can't say 'No' in any of them.”--Dorothy Parker

“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination.”--Andrew Lang

“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.”--Stephen Bishop

“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.”--Billy Wilder

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."  "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli,"'whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”

“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book. I'll waste no time reading it.”--Moses Hadas

“I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”--Mark Twain

“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?”--Mark Twain

“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.”--Mae West

“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.”--Oscar Wilde

“He had just about enough intelligence to open his mouth when he wanted to eat, but certainly no more.”--P.G. Wodehouse

“I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.”--Groucho Marx

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”-- Oscar Wilde





































Friday, November 27, 2015

WHY WOMEN LIVE LONGER THAN MEN or I KNOW YOU'RE PISSED, BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO BITE MY HEAD OFF!!




Women live longer because we don't have the weird need to

Work under things that may fall & squash us:


Women can tell the difference between a power mower & a helicopter:




Women will wear a hat or carry an umbrella when they need shade:

Women do not like to get their shoes wet:

Women respect the law of gravity:

 Women know the dangers of smoking in certain areas:

Women may stick their noses where they don't belong,
but never their whole head:

A woman prefers to work on a surface larger than she is: 


Women know they cannot fly:



Words escape me on this one: 

Electricity & water--enough said: 

Women understand the proper use of ladders:



And while some women still do stupid things,
we'll never catch up to the men!!:


An old but still funny Alan King routine:
He has since died, but yes--he was survived by his wife!!















All the women moaning about finding a husband obviously never had one----fishducky