Winston Churchill was a master of the "polite insult". Here are some of his quotes:
George Bernard Shaw once sent
Winston Churchill some tickets for the first night of one of his plays. Churchill then sent Shaw a telegram to the effect:
"Cannot come first night. Will come second night if you have one." Shaw promptly replied: "Here are two
tickets for the second night. Bring a friend if you have one."
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“I told a woman she was ugly and she said 'Sir! You are drunk,' to which I replied, 'I am drunk today, madam,
and tomorrow I shall be sober but you will still be ugly.'”
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“He has all the virtues I
dislike and none of the vices I admire."
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An old battleax of a woman
said to Winston Churchill, "If you were my husband I would put poison in
your tea." Churchill's response, "Ma'am, if you were my wife I would
drink it.”
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"Men occasionally stumble over the truth,
but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing ever
happened."
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"In those days he was wiser than he is now
- he used frequently to take my advice."
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"Don't interrupt me while I'm
interrupting."
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"He is a sheep in sheep's clothing."
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"In the course of my life, I have often had
to eat my words, and I must confess that I have always found it a wholesome
diet."
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A Member of Parliament once asked him, “Must you always fall asleep when I’m speaking?” His answer, “No, it’s purely voluntary!!”
A Member of Parliament once asked him, “Must you always fall asleep when I’m speaking?” His answer, “No, it’s purely voluntary!!”
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And some memorable quotes from others:
“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.”--Paul Keating
“He was distinguished for ignorance; for he had only one idea,
and that was wrong.”--Benjamin
Disraeli
“He is not only dull
himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.”--Samuel Foote
“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.”--Forrest Tucker
“She runs the gamut of emotions from A to B.”--Dorothy Parker
“If all the girls attending
[the Yale prom] were laid end to end, I wouldn't be at all surprised.”--Dorothy Parker
“That woman speaks eighteen
languages, and can't say 'No' in any of them.”--Dorothy Parker
“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for
support rather than illumination.”--Andrew Lang
“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you
here.”--Stephen Bishop
“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.”--Billy Wilder
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die
on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli,"'whether I embrace your policies or your
mistress.”
“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book. I'll waste no
time reading it.”--Moses Hadas
“I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I
approved of it.”--
“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any
address on it?”--Mark Twain
“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the
stork.”--Mae West
“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his
friends.”--Oscar Wilde
“He had just about enough intelligence to open his mouth when he
wanted to eat, but certainly no more.”--P.G. Wodehouse
“I've had a perfectly
wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.”--Groucho Marx
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they
go.”-- Oscar Wilde
