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Friday, November 6, 2015

KIDS ARE FUNNY (or) THE DUMBEST THING I EVER DID WAS TO BUY MY PRETEEN SON A HENNY YOUNGMAN JOKE BOOK BECAUSE HE WOULDN'T SHUT UP


Probably every kid believes he's funny.  Quite often they are, but not always intentionally.  Some examples:

In the olden days, when parents felt safe in letting their very young children walk to school & back alone, my parents were babysitting our 7 or 8 year old daughter while we were on a trip.  They became quite worried when one day she was over a half hour late in getting home from school.  When she finally got home, they asked her why she was so late.  Our daughter told them she had taken a “long” cut.

No subject was ever off limits at our dinner table.  Once Nameless asked what a homosexual was.  We weren’t sure how to explain this to an 8 year old.  We told her that while most men love women, there were some men who loved other men.  We said this was the way God made them & it was fine.  We asked her if she understood & she said, “Yeah—you mean like a lesbian, only a man!”

When our boys were very small they shared a room.  Their twin beds were against the walls in the shape of an “L”.  The head of Matt’s bed was next to the bedroom door.  He liked to swing the door back & forth.  Sometimes (apparently more often than I realized) it would hit the wall.  One day he called us into his room to show us his “accomplishment”.  He pointed out where he had rammed the door into the wall so many times that there was now a hole in the wall.  He proudly said, “Look!  I made a space for the doorknob.”  

When Matt was about 10, a friend of ours had to have part of his colon removed.  Matt (our comedian in training) asked if that meant he would be left with a semicolon.

My husband may have shown me too much affection in front of the kids.  Blake was very young & he was standing next to me at the kitchen sink while I was making dinner.  He pointed to my leg & asked, "Is dat yours?"  I told him yes.  He then pointed to my arm & asked, "Is dat yours?"  Again, yes.  Next, he pointed to my breast & asked, "Is dat Daddy's?"

Some examples from other mothers (parentdish.com):

"When I die, I want to live with Jesus in his apartment."

"I can have two childs because I have two testicles"

"Mommy, did you know that your underwear won't flush down the toilet?"

"When it gets dark it's because God turned out the lights so he could sleep"


"I like those lines on your face."

"Mommy, Daddy's boss is a moron! That's what Daddy said!"



"Hello, 911? Hi, cop lady!"


"The teacher said I have listening problems, but I think she has problems teaching."

"Can I have this toy? It only costs five easy payments of $39.95."

"My baby sister ate my homework. She ate tomorrow's homework too."

"I just wanted to see how much toilet paper would actually fit in the toilet."

 "How does Santa Claus fit through the chimney? He's too fat!"

"Nana, I smell something ... I (leaning closer) think it's you."

"Mom, what happened to Bridget's penis? Did you leave it in your tummy?"

"At Sunday school I learned that God named all the animals and you know what? He got them all right!

“Everything is for sale, even my mom if the price is right, that is what daddy said."

"Could I bleed to death?" (from a little girl being told about menstrual cycles.)

"You should always give someone a compliment, especially your teacher, even if it's a lie and she is really the wicked witch."

"You can get away with the best stuff when we have a substitute teacher."

"Do you think my mom would notice if I packed up my twin brothers and sent them to China?"

"Wow, Grandma, my mommy said if your butt gets any bigger, you will have to put a wide load sign on it"

"Boy, your house smells funny. You should buy some air fresheners."

"My baby brother has a tiny wiggle. Mine is medium, but you should see my dad's. It's ginormous!"

"Can we say a prayer for my mommy? She couldn't come to church today because she had a operation so she won't have any more babies."

"I didn't know ladies could have a mustache. Cool!"

I can't remember where I got these:

My 2-year-old daughter walked in while I was getting out of the shower. She looked at me and says “Mama, you’re silly. You have a beard on your gina.”

My friend was having a hard time getting her daughter to drink water. At lunch one day the little one loudly exclaimed that “drinking makes mummy happy”.

We were on a city bus, sitting next to two elderly women. My 3-year-old chose that moment to announce loudly, “I’m not supposed to play with myself in the bathtub. I need to wait ‘til I’m in my bedroom aaaaaall alone!”

My nephew recently informed me that squirrels eat acorns because they don’t like Mexican food.

One night after dinner, my 5-year-old ran past and let out a huge fart that stopped him in his tracks. He turned to us and said, “Sorry, that was my butt saying thanks for the food!”

My 7-year-old was convinced she could speak Spanish thanks to Dora. One day at a Mexican restaurant the waitress said “Gracias!” and with all the conviction in the world my daughter responded “Piñata!”

My 3-year-old came inside and announced “I peed outside.” My husband asked if his underwear was wet and my son proudly replied, “Nope, I peed on Luna. It was like a shower for her.”  Luna is our Saint Bernard. 

When my daughter was 6-years-old I was pregnant with my second child. We explained to her that my egg and her daddy’s sperm made her, and my egg and her step dad’s sperm made the baby. My daughter’s response? “That’s really nice that you gave them each a turn.”

My 6-year-old daughter had her appendix out. When the stitches were removed, there was a catheter in her abdomen, sticking up. She looked down and proudly announced: “Goodbye appendix, hello penis!”

When my son was in his first year of Cub Scouts, they took a field trip to the police station. Towards the end of the tour, a police officer started showing the kids everything he carried on his belt. When he got to the handcuffs, my son announced, “My mom and dad have some of those!”

Thanks to brainyquote.com, some Henny Youngman jokes for you:


A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.










Mothers of smartasses know why some animals eat their young----fishducky







28 comments:

  1. I knew I was right to be awed at parents. Not an easy job. And no doubt difficult to do with a straight face some days...

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    1. Not just SOME days--damn near always!!

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  2. Brought to mind Art Linkletter's show Kids Say The Darndest Things! Well, technically it was a segment of Art Linkletter's House Party. (I just looked it up.) Grew up watching that. My folks loved Art Linkletter. :)

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    1. We LOVED that show--my friend was on it once!!

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    2. OMG! That is so cool that you actually knew somebody who was on the show!!

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    3. Too bad that it was in the early 40's--nobody had any kind of recorder back then!!

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    4. Right. Unless you happen to find them on a clip on youtube.

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  3. Now I think that is the smartest thing I've heard of in a long time. Room for the door knob.
    See, why didnt you think of that? Kids can be soooo helpful. Like the time my sons and their little friends decorated all the walls in the basement with crayons because there were no pictures on the wall. It was beautiful and we even sold the house that way. It must have been a hit because the new tenants never mentioned it. lol

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    1. Did your fully decorated basement add anything to the asking price?

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  4. My grandson asked me the other day if I knew why 6 was afraid of 7......because 7 8 9. He thought it was hilarious!

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    1. All jokes are new if you've never heard them before!!

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  5. Rita took my comment...well not exactly, but basically.

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    Replies
    1. You'll just have to get up earlier, Joe!!

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  6. "I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places."

    If I can't find an occasion to use that line, it will be a crying shame. Great post, as always, Fran!

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    1. Unfortunately, Gonzo can use it now!!

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  7. Art Linkletter was right; kids really DO say the darnedest thing. I can top your 8-year-old asking about homosexuals. When our younger son was about that same age, he asked me what a "French tickler" is. Almost made me regret my decision to always answer their questions honestly...

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    Replies
    1. I'm OBVIOUSLY very old--I had to Google "French tickler"!!

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    2. Now I have to google French tickler!

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  8. A Henny Youngman joke book for a kid? The first thing that came to mind was: "Take my mom...PLEASE!"

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  9. My kids never said anything like those. Fortunately, my gr-daughter do.

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  10. "For no particular reason I'd like to know the location of our fire extinguisher."
    hmmmm, sounds like something Calvin would say :)
    I agree with the acorn eating squirrels, I don't like Mexican food either.

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    1. I like Mexican food--it's MUCH better than acorns!!

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  11. Our then five-year-old son said he wanted to change his name from Richie. We went through the various nicknames for Richard and my mother said, "You could also use Dick." She dropped her fork when he replied, "Gramma, don't you know that is another name for penis?"

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    Replies
    1. Not everybody called "Dick" is one!!

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  12. I still have a tiny wiggle.
    This makes me sad.

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    Replies
    1. Sorry, Al--I've asked around & I'm afraid there's no help for you!!

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Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.