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Tuesday, December 1, 2015

DUCK THE HALLS (A CHRISTMAS SONGBOOK FOR JEWS & OTHERS)

I'm posting this, my Christmas post, on December 1st.  Most of you will be pretty busy this month & I didn't want you to miss it.  I worked too long & hard on it.  I hope it gets you into a proper holiday mood!!






I don't even sound good in the shower:












Christmas is such a joyous holiday that it doesn't seem fair that the celebrants be limited to Christians.  In my home we always celebrate both Christmas & Hanukkah.  Following are some Jewish versions of traditional Christmas songs & most have to do with food.  You have to remember that the history of my people & their celebrations can be summed up in three sentences:  We were attacked!!  We won!! Let’s eat!!



Here are 23 songs--that should get you through Christmas Eve, if you sing one twice:

GIVE A WHOOP FOR CHICKEN SOUP
(To the tune of SILENT NIGHT) 

Give a whoop for chicken soup
Chickens fresh from the coop.
Boil it, no need to be hasty,
With noodles it’ll be tasty,
Add carrots and heavenly peas,
Add carrots and heavenly peas.

If you droop, have chicken soup
It will quickly cure the croup
It'll help if you tend to sicken
Unless you are the chicken
Add carrots and heavenly peas,
Add carrots and heavenly peas.



HAVE YOURSELF A PIECE OF PICKLED HERRING
(To the tune of HAVE YOURSELF A MERRY LITTLE CHRISTMAS)

Have yourself a piece of pickled herring
Start your dinner right
From now on
The waitress will be out of sight
Have yourself a slice or two of rye bread
Eat up while you may
From now on
The waitress will be miles away


OH HAPPY ME
(To the tune of OH HOLY NIGHT)

Oh happy me!
The waiter brought my order
I have a plate full of kosher brisket
With mashed potatoes and gravy round its border
Have something new?  Tonight I would not risk it
A thrill of hope this hungry Jew rejoices
For yonder lies a fine and tasty dish!

I pick up my fork
Oh hear the diner’s voices
Oh meal divine
It’s better than the fish
Oh meal divine
Oh meal divine



FILL MY BOWL
(To the tune of DECK THE HALLS)

Fill my bowl with balls of matzo, fa la la la la la la la la!
I’m hungry and I want a lotsa, fa la la la la la la la la!

Tuck a napkin ‘neath my chin, fa la la la la la la la la!
Stand back while this Jew digs in, fa la la la la la la la la!

Be sure there are also noodles, fa la la la la la la la la!
For dessert I’d like a piece of strudel, fa la la la la la la la la!

I’ll buy yours, yes, I am treating, fa la la la 
la la la la la!
Join me in this glorious eating, fa la la la la la la la la!



THE FIRST CHRISTMAS SALE
(To the tune of THE FIRST NOEL)

The first Christmas sale the merchants did say
Was to certain poor shoppers in beds as they lay;
In beds as they lay, trying to fall asleep,
While thinking of prices that were much too steep.
All hail, all hail, all hail, all hail,
The first guy who thought of a big Christmas sale.

He looked up and saw some ugly coats
Wholesale price was ten dollars, it said in his notes,
For eighty-nine dollars they just would not sell,
But he knew that for thirty they’d move very well

Can't fail, can't fail, can't fail, can't fail,
The whole town will come to our big Christmas sale.

He texted his partners at their poker game
Those three wise men from their merrymaking came;
To sell for a profit was their intent,
And they followed money wherever it went.

"On sale, on sale, on sale, on sale,
They won’t care what they’re buying at our big Christmas sale."

He said, “Drop prices enough and people will buy,
We’ll make more profit than when prices are high.
The shoppers are bound to flock into our store
And we’ll make more money than ever before.
Bulk mail, bulk mail, bulk mail, bulk mail,
We'll send out the news of our big Christmas sale."

They all agreed, those partners four
With prices so low they would prove in their store,
The fact things are ugly shoppers would disregard,
They’d buy *schlok and max out each credit card.
Retail, retail, retail, retail,  
They’d sell lots of **shmatas at their big Christmas sale.

*schlok-something cheap or inferior, shoddy merchandise
**shmatas-poor quality clothes, rags

This might fit in here:




















BOYS OF THE WORLD
(To the tune of JOY TO THE WORLD!)

Boys of the world—come meet your bride
With this *shadkins deluxe service
You shouldn’t become nervous
You’ll learn to call her “Hon”
She’ll give to you some sons
And you’ll get **fargenign from each one

*shadkin-matchmaker
**fargenign-joy, pleasure 


JOY TO MY TONGUE!
(To the tune of JOY TO THE WORLD!)

Joy to my tongue! The *latkes are done
Be careful of their steam 
Enjoy them one by one
With applesauce and sour cream
With applesauce and sour cream
With applesauce and applesauce and sour cream

*latkes-potato pancakes

(Ed. note: Since Jews are known to be fans of Chinese food, I wrote this one.)


EATING AT A CHINESE RESTAURANT
(To the tune of WALKING IN A WINTER WONDERLAND)

I am always
In the mood
For delicious
Chinese food
I said to my mate,
“It’s time that we ate
At that brand new Chinese restaurant.

Let’s take your mama
And Auntie Sophie,
She wants to show us
Her bowling trophy,
They love eating at a Chinese restaurant.

We could take your second cousin Morris,
He always likes to have his egg foo yung,
Did you know that he’s engaged to Doris?
I don’t know why; that woman’s so high-strung!”

We were served, 
It was delicious, 
I didn't have 
To do the dishes,
Easy eating at this Chinese restaurant.

Look at us,
We're the smart ones,
Taking home
These little cartons,
Big servings at the Chinese restaurant.

For something special you should try an egg roll,
The shrimp fried rice was nectar for the gods,
The wonton soup was heaven in a small bowl,
The whole meal was something to applaud.

My new glasses
Distort my optics,
I couldn’t eat
With my chopsticks,
I needed a fork at this Chinese restaurant.

We’ve all eaten
To our limits,
But we’ll be hungry
In twenty minutes,
Still I’m glad that we went,
It was money well spent
Eating in the Chinese restaurant.



DO YOU KNOW WHAT HE NEEDS?
(To the tune of DO YOU HEAR WHAT I HEAR?)

Said the diner to the waitress,
Do you see what I see
Here on my plate, waitress,
Do you see what I see
A steak, a steak, I long to take its meat in
But it will remain uneaten
But it will remain uneaten

Said the waitress to the bus boy,
Do you know what he needs
The customer’s complaining, bus boy,
Do you know what he needs
A fork, a fork, you’ve caused him so much strife,
And he will also need a knife
And he will also need a knife



HARK!  IT’S HAROLD ENGLELUTZ
(To the tune of HARK! THE HERALD ANGELS SING)

Hark!  It’s Harold Englelutz
Harold’s always been a *putz
Since his birth he drives folks wild
For **schmucks he’s the poster child

He pulls pranks to get a rise
So many stupid stunts he tries
Even his mother says with a groan
“Harold, please leave me alone”
Even his mother says with a groan
“Harold, please leave me alone”

*putz-jerk, fool 
**schmucks-idiots, contemptible persons



REUBEN THE RED NOSED RABBI
(To the tune of RUDOLPH THE RED NOSED REINDEER)

Reuben the red nosed rabbi
Had a very shiny nose.
All of the folks in temple
Said it looked just like a rose.

They said no other’s like it.
They would laugh and call him names.
They’d never guessed that red schnozz
Would someday bring him worldwide fame.

Then Christmas Eve a pea soup fog
Brought air traffic to a stop.
Reuben's nose lit up the runway
So Santa’s sled wouldn’t go ker-plop.

Then his congregation loved him,
Lots of children got their toys.
They said it was a *mitzvah
Although it was just for **goys.

*Mitzvah-blessing
**Goys-non Jews



WE THREE BOYS
(To the tune of WE THREE KINGS)

We three boys from *yeshiva are
Hungry and we’ve we traveled so far.
For a kosher deli to fill our belly,
But we’re not particular.

O we’ll have bagels, we’ll have lox,
We pray you have a takeout box,
Lunch we’re needing, we’ll be feeding
On dill pickles from a jar.

*yeshiva-Hebrew academy



O COME ALL YE *GOYEM 
(To the tune of O COME ALL YE FAITHFUL)  

O come all ye *goyem, all ye girls and boyem
O come ye, O come ye to a good Jewish deli

Nova lox is king
It's not a hallucination
O come let us consume it
O come let us consume it
O come let us consume it 
Especially the belly

Slice up a bagel; plain, rye, salt or onion
Spread on some cream cheese, it could cure a bunion
Top it with lox
In your mouth a celebration
O come let us consume it
O come let us consume it
O come let us consume it
Eating should be fun, son

*Goyem-non Jews



OH MATZO BALL
(To the tune of OH CHRISTMAS TREE)

Oh matzo ball, oh matzo ball,
How seductive your aroma.
I'd wake to eat a matzo ball
Even while in a coma.


(Ed. note: A friend of mine was visiting from Salt Lake City so I took her to a deli for lunch.  She looked at a group eating across from us & asked why one of the ladies had a tennis ball in her soup.)



YOU'RE ARRESTED, MORRIE GRENDELMAN
(To the tune of GOD REST YE MERRY, GENTLEMEN)

You're arrested, Morrie Grendelman,
What did you do this time?
Your sticky fingers led you
Into a life of crime.
I'll call the bail bondsman now 
While I still have a dime.
I'm hiding the good silverware,
Silverware,
I'm hiding the good silverware.


CHRISTMAS SALES
(To the tune of JINGLE BELLS)

Jingle bells, see what sells,
On Christmas sales I thrive.
Look here, Gert, a thirty dollar shirt
For seven ninety-five!!

Dashing through the store
Checking every rack,
If it doesn’t fit
I can always take it back.
I got some pretty things,
But don’t forget I need a
Cute little purse for my mother's nurse
And a dress for little Frieda.

Jingle bells, see what sells,
Shopping makes me feel alive.
Bought some slacks for my uncle Max,
He's turning eighty-five!!



ON A PEW IN A SYNAGOGUE
(To the tune of AWAY IN A MANGER)
On a pew in a synagogue,
No sheets for his bed
Moishe Grazinsky
Lays down his bald head
The rabbi in the pulpit
Looked down where he lay
At Moishe Grazinsky
Just snoring away
The congregation is laughing
Poor Moishe awakes
But Moishe Grazinsky
No apology he makes


The rabbi said, "Moishe, 
We don't sleep in *shul here"
Moishe said, "I'm exhausted
**Oy vay iz meer"
The good rabbi asked him
Why he was so tired
He said he worked overtime
So he wouldn’t get fired

He said “If I got fired
Then Sadie, my spouse
Would not let me come back
Into my own house.
I would have to move in with you
My rabbi, my friend
Which your wife Rebekah
Would not comprehend
To save both our marriages
Sleeping here is sublime
But wake me at six am
I’ve a seven tee off time”

*Shul-synagogue, temple
**Oy vay iz meer-Oh woe is me


Not everything in my songbook has a PG rating:


SANFORD KRAUS IS WEARIN’ A GOWN
(To the tune of SANTA CLAUS IS COMIN’ TO TOWN)
You better not pout
No need to be rude
You'll be asked out
By this flamin' dude
Sanford Kraus is wearin’ a gown

You’re bound to get kissed
So here’s my advice
Have a stiff drink
You won't need the ice
Sanford Kraus is wearin’ a gown

He sees you when you're sleeping
But that's a risk he'll take
Sanford's always been a voyeur so
Close your blinds for goodness sake

He’s in his high heels
A fancy mink stole
A chauffeured automobile
And no self-control
Sanford Kraus is wearin’ a gown

FLOSSIE THE FLOOZY
(To the tune of FROSTY THE SNOWMAN)

Flossie the Floozy, I’m telling you so you’ll know,
Had a garter belt and a button nose, and two boobs made of snow.


Flossie the Floozy was a *kurveh, so they say.
She was made of snow, but the children know that she came to life one day.

There must have been some magic in that old bra that they found,
‘Cause when they placed it on her boobs, she threw it on the ground!

Oh, 
Flossie the Floozy was alive as she could be
And the children say she said, “You must pay if you want to be with me.”

Thumpety thump, thump, thumpety thump, thump,
The children were awestruck.

Thumpety thump, thump, thumpety thump, thump,
“Who’s got twenty bucks?”

Flossie the Floozy knew the sun was hot that day,
So she said, "I’ve got to dash and make some cash now, before I melt away."

Down to the taverns, this chilly courtesan,
Running near and far, she must have looked bizarre, sayin', "**Shtup me if you can."

They followed her down the streets of town, smack into a cop,
But all the grownups ran away when they heard him holler, "Stop!"

Then 
Flossie the Floozy knew she had to go to jail,
But she waved goodbye, sayin' "Don't you cry, I'll be back when I post bail."


*kurveh-prostitute
**Shtup-have intercourse with



CHET’S NUTS ROASTING NEAR AN OPEN FIRE
(To the tune of CHESTNUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE)

Chet’s nuts roasting near an open fire
He is standing much too close
He should have worn proper attire,
Then he wouldn’t burn like cellulose

Everybody knows some mittens and a nice wool coat
Will keep you feeling quite all right,
But poor Chet with his skin all aglow
Will be in the ER tonight

He knows the ambulance is on its way,
They’ve loaded lots of drugs and ointments on a tray
And every mother's child is gonna try
To see if Chet gets over being fried

Chet now knows he should have dressed up warm,
And he’ll tell you to your face
“I’ve had blisters many times, many ways
But not in such a painful place.”



IRA COHEN IS HUNG LIKE A CHANDELIER
(To the tune of IT CAME UPON THE MIDNIGHT CLEAR)

Ira Cohen is hung like a chandelier,
The ladies are enthralled,
He can have any one that he wants
Even though he is bald!
No one cares about hair when Ira is there,
On a bed whether double or king!
The women in solemn stillness lay

To see Ira’s thing.



Here's a non-Jewish generic one:


THE LOUDLY SINGING BOY
(To the tune of LITTLE DRUMMER BOY)

Hush they told me
Pa rum pum pum pum
Please don’t scold me
Pa rum pum pum pum
For waking up the king
Pa rum pum pum pum
But softly I can’t sing
Pa rum pum pum pum,
Rum pum pum pum,
Rum pum pum pum
So to honor him
Pa rum pum pum pum
Maybe I’ll hum


This goes here:






































The next two are my adaptations of parodies I found on yuksrus.com.

OH LITTLE BANK AMERICARD
(To the tune of OH LITTLE TOWN OF BETHLEHEM)

Oh little Bank Americard,
I’m running out of cash.
I’m going to the deli to fill my belly
With plates of corned beef hash.

My credit line allows me
To run up bills quite large
And when I’m through exhausting you
I’ll use my Master Charge.

I’LL BE CLONED FOR CHRISTMAS
(To the tune of I'LL BE HOME FOR CHRISTMAS)

I’ll be cloned for Christmas,
There’ll be three of me in the loop.
If on Christmas I feel blueish,
It’s just because I’m Jewish
But if I cry one will wipe my eye
While the other brings me chicken soup.


Here are some politically themed carols
written by my niece, Tracy Z.
There are 6 carols.
Hopefully, you will be able to click onto the others
at the end of this song:



Susan (I Think; Therefore I Yam) sent me this:


MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"After all the money your father and I spent on braces, this you call a smile?" 

CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER: 
"I don't care what you've discovered, you didn't call, you didn't write."

 
MICHELANGELO¹S JEWISH MOTHER: 
"A ceiling you paint?  Not good enough for you the walls, like the other children?  Do you know how hard it is to get that schmutz off the ceiling?" 

NAPOLEON¹S JEWISH MOTHER: 
"You're not hiding your report card? Show me! Take your hand out of your jacket and show me!" 

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S JEWISH MOTHER: 
"Again with that hat!  Why can't you wear a baseball cap like the other kids?" 

THOMAS EDISON'S JEWISH MOTHER: 
"Okay, so I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb.  Now turn it off already and go to sleep!" 

PAUL REVERE'S JEWISH MOTHER: 
"I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is long past your bedtime!" 

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S JEWISH MOTHER: 
"Your senior photograph and you couldn't have done something with your hair?" 

MOSES' JEWISH MOTHER: 
"Desert, schmesert!  Where have you really been for the last forty years?" 

BILL GATES' JEWISH MOTHER: 
"It would have killed you to become a doctor?" 

BILL CLINTON'S JEWISH MOTHER:

"Well, at least she was a nice Jewish girl, that Monica." 
















MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

Happy Christmas to all & to all a good night----Santa Claus (& fishducky)

 




18 comments:

  1. This has come closer to giving me a little Christmas spirit than anything else I have seen this year. Thank you. Lots.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're welcome!! Was it as stimulating as Black Friday?

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  2. Replies
    1. Glad you liked it--I put a lot of work into it!!

      Delete
  3. I remain a Christian, because we have the best holiday...CHRISTMAS!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's as good a reason as any, Joe!!

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  4. Because of you I'll be humming "Have Yourself a Piece of Pickled Herring" all day.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's better than the song that's usually in my head--"If I Only Had a Brain"!!

      Delete
  5. SCUHIF (still chuckling up here in Fargo). ;) ;)
    I'm making up my own SMS language now.
    (I had to goggle that.)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. GICMAFH!! (Glad I could make a Fargonian/Fargoite happy!!)

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    2. YDYDEP (You do! You do! Every post!)

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  6. Although I'm a Lutheran, I think I'll try some of your carols this year. I love to be different. I'll go to church and sing your words. Maybe I'll even pass out sheets with the words.

    Love,
    Janie

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    Replies
    1. OK but I don't think IRA COHEN IS HUNG LIKE A CHANDELIER is appropriate for church!!

      Delete
    2. Eh, people fall asleep in church. Hardly anyone will notice.

      Delete
  7. The Jewish Mothers!! I can hear them in my head. Laughed a lot at everything else, those songs are really good. I can't seem to fit the first one to Silent Night, maybe I sing it wrong.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I did the best I could--this is one of my favorite posts!!

      Delete
  8. Came back to listen to the videos, didn't have time on Tuesday. I like the political ones quite a lot, and the kids singing regular carols are lovely.

    ReplyDelete

Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.