There was a lot of dust in there (& half a bag of stale Frito's) but I managed to salvage these gems:
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed
cold cream on her face. “Why do you do that, mommy?” he asked. “To make myself
beautiful,” said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
“What’s the matter?” asked Little Johnny. “Giving up?”
“What’s the matter?” asked Little Johnny. “Giving up?”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As the coals from our barbecue burned down, our hosts passed
out marshmallows and long roasting forks.
Just then, two fire trucks roared by, sirens blaring & lights flashing. They stopped at a house right down the block.
All twelve of us raced out of the back yard, down the street, where we found the owners of the blazing house standing by helplessly.
They glared at us with looks of disgust.
Suddenly, we realized why.........we were all still holding our roasting forks with marshmallows on them...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Can you read this?" the optician asks.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replies, "Heck, I know the guy."
After drinking, men talk unnecessarily, become emotional, drive badly, stop thinking & fight for nothing. Women can do all these things without drinking!!----fishducky

A Polish immigrant goes to the
Department of Motor Vehicles to apply for a driver's license. He has to take an
eye test. They show him a card with the letters C Z W I X
N O S T A C Z.
"Can you read this?" the optician asks.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replies, "Heck, I know the guy."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the
background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three
finalists...
Two men and a woman.
Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of
the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your
instructions, no matter what the circumstances.
Inside of this room, you will find your wife
sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I
could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right
man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes.
Then the man came out with tears in his
eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it
takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given
the same instructions to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room. Shots
were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on
the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door
opened slowly and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said,
"This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the
chair."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was this
little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when
all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off
the bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, "That was a karate
chop from Korea."
The little guy
thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking
again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and
says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."
So the little guy
has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves.
The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a
word, he walks up behind the big dude and -- WHAM!!!" -- knocks the big
dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!!
The little guy looks at the
bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from
Sears."
Would you believe I found a video of me when I was a baby?
I found this song in there, too:
Here are the lyrics:
Hey honey have you gained some weight in your rear-end?
That dress you wear reminds me of my old girlfriend
And where'd you get those shoes? I think they're pretty lame
Would you stop talking 'cause I'm trying to watch the game
That dress you wear reminds me of my old girlfriend
And where'd you get those shoes? I think they're pretty lame
Would you stop talking 'cause I'm trying to watch the game
If you're a man who wants to live a long and
happy life
These are the things you don't say to your wife
I planned a hunting trip next week on your
birthday
I didn't ask you 'cause I knew it'd be ok
Go make some dinner while I watch this fishing
show
I taped it over our old wedding video
If you're a man who wants to live a long and
happy life
These are the things you don't say to your wife
Your cooking is ok but not like mother makes
The diamond in the ring I bought you is a fake
Your eyes look puffy dear, are you feeling ill?
Happy anniversary I bought you a treadmill
If you're a man who wants to live a long and
happy life
These are the things you don't say to your wife
If you’re a man who
doesn't want to get killed with a knife
These are the things you don't say to your wife
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!
After drinking, men talk unnecessarily, become emotional, drive badly, stop thinking & fight for nothing. Women can do all these things without drinking!!----fishducky
