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Friday, January 23, 2015

FEED ME!!










Blogger screwed around with me yesterday, so I took this out & I'm trying to post it today along with Friday's post!!


(A reworked post from 2013)

(Disclaimer: I CAN cook, but I don’t much, any more.  I cooked for my family for many years & even threw a lot of dinner parties.  For Christmas & Thanksgiving we used to have dinner for up to 50 people.  I just got tired of it.  Now, on the rare occasions when I DO cook, I make a roasting pan full of chili or 2 or 3 pot roasts or briskets & freeze them in individual servings, so we can still have some home cooked meals.)


At least I cook better than Homer Simpson:


When we were first married, Bud was in the Army & we lived in a tiny house off the post.  We had invited some friends for dinner & I decided to make my first peach pie.  It came out runny--too runny to be a pie but not loose enough to be a cobbler.  We told them it was a “peach piebler”.  They thought it was delicious! Around this same time, I called my mom--& you have to realize that neither she or I made very many long distance calls because they were expensive, but wrote letters, instead.  She was concerned that maybe Bud or I was ill, or that we were having marital problems.  It was MUCH more serious than that--I needed her recipe for chopped liver!

When we first bought our condo on Maui, my sister-in-law, Natalie, & her 3 kids came out to stay with us & our 3 kids.  I don’t know if you’re familiar with Hawaiian prices, but our grocery bill was enormous!  Nat was going over the grocery shopping list that Bud had made & saw either “ice cream” or “candy”--I can't remember which.  We were amazed when she said, in all seriousness, “Don’t buy that; the kids will just eat it!"

After our daughter, Nameless, moved into an apartment, she stopped at our house to pick up some things from the freezer because she said she missed my cooking.  I can understand that, but can you tell me why her loot also included a couple of cans of tuna & a jar of mayonnaise?

I am not now, nor have I ever been, a cheap date.  I have no aversion to ordering a very expensive meal--in fact, Bud claims that’s what I look for.  We were at a high end restaurant & I must have looked puzzled, because he asked me what was wrong.  I told him, “I’m upset--I don’t like the most expensive thing on the menu!”

We were travelling with our friends, Joe & Helen, in Thailand & went to dinner in the penthouse restaurant of our hotel.  The maître d’ seated us & handed each of us a menu.  He returned in a couple of minutes & very apologetically took my menu & Helen’s away & gave us new ones.  We couldn’t understand why until Joe explained it.  We had originally been given “host” menus--with prices--instead of “guest” menus--with no prices.  Neither Helen nor I had noticed there were prices on ours!


Some jokes for those of my faith:

Q: What did the waiter ask the group of Jewish American Princesses?
A: "Is anything OK?"

Q: How do Jewish American Princesses get their children ready for supper?
A: They put them in the car.

The Jewish American Princess Recipe Book
Chapter One . . . . . . . . . . How to Make Reservations

Did you hear about the Jewish family who kept such a kosher home that they had two smoke detectors in their kitchen?


Pierre, Claudio & Moishe have all been tried & sentenced to death. Their time is up & they are asked what they would like for their last meal.

Pierre asks for a chateaubriand, asparagus with hollandaise & a bottle of Dom Perignon.  He gets it, finishes it & is executed.

Claudio tells the guards he would like veal parmigiana with angel hair pasta cooked al dente, an assortment of fresh fruits & cheese & a bottle of chianti.  He gets it, eats & he, too, is executed
.
Moishe says, "I'm a simple man with simple tastes.  All I want is a bowl of strawberries."

The guards tell him strawberries aren't in season.

"Nu," says Moishe, "So I'll wait."


And some for everyone:

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction; I get to the end & say to myself, “Well, that’s not going to happen.” --Rita Rudner

How come when you mix flour & water together you get glue--& then you add eggs & sugar & you get cake?  Where does the glue go? --Rita Rudner

My husband says that I feed him like a god--every meal is a burnt offering. --Rhonda Hansome

Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf & apple pie.”
Husband: “Which is this?”

What did the cannibal order at the Italian place?
A pizza with everyone on it.

“I trained my dog not to beg at the table.”
“How did you do that?”
“I let him taste my wife’s cooking.”


A couple, well into their 80's, are in a restaurant.  The man orders a dinner for himself, but nothing for his wife.  He eats his meal while she just sits there, watching him.  He finishes eating, wipes his mouth with his napkin & pushes his plate away.  It is still half full of food.  The man at the next table has been watching the whole thing.  He assumes that they can't afford two dinners so he generously says to the wife, "Excuse me, but I would love to treat you to a dinner."  She says, "That's very kind of you, but totally unnecessary.  I'll have my dinner in a minute.  My husband & I are sharing this dinner.  As a matter of fact, we share everything 50/50." He asks, "What are you waiting for?"  She says, "The teeth!"


This little girl is eating a raw onion.
I have no idea why.


Did you know food could be funny?




























The best way to avoid kitchen odors: eat out!--Phyllis Diller 

If we're not supposed to have midnight snacks, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?----fishducky




MOOOO INTERNATIONAL







(This was sent to me by Susan at http://susan-swiderski.blogspot.com.  Thank  you, Susan!!)

DEMOCRATS
You have two cows
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.
        ------------------------------------------------
REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none. So?
        -----------------------------------------------
SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
          ------------------------------------------------
COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
 You wait in line for hours to get it.
 It is expensive and sour.
          ------------------------------------------------
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
          --------------------------------------------
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
          ------------------------------------------------
 BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
 You have two cows.
The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain. 
          ------------------------------------------------
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.
          ------------------------------------------------
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.
          ------------------------------------------------
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.   They learn to travel on unbelievably  crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
          ---------------------------------------------
 GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
          -----------------------------------------------
 ITALIAN CORPORATION
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch. Life is good.
          ------------------------------------------------
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
          ----------------------------------------------
TALIBAN CORPORATION
 You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
 You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.
          ------------------------------------------------
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go in hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.
          ---------------------------------------------
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out of state tell you which is the best-looking cow.
          ------------------------------------------------
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
Most are illegals.
Arnold likes the ones with the big tits.

My all time favorite video:














Déjà Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before----fishducky