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Monday, January 26, 2015

THE JOYS OF JUDAISM


Before anyone accuses me of being antisemitic--I am Jewish & I think this stuff is funny!!



Susan (susan-swiderski.blogspot.com) sent me the following quotes by famous Jews:

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up. They have no holidays. [Henny Youngman]

The time is at hand when the wearing of a prayer shawl and skullcap will not bar a man from the White House, unless, of course, if the man is Jewish. [Jules Farber]

God, I know we are your chosen people, but couldn't you choose somebody else for a change?  [Shalom Aleichem]

The remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. [Calvin Trillin]

Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He took us forty years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil!  {Golda Meir]

My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me. [Benjamin Disraeli]

It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then, don't say it. [Sam Levenson]

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days, I had lost exactly two weeks.  [Joe E. Lewis]

Bankruptcy is a legal proceeding in which you put your money in your pants pocket and give your coat to your creditors.  [Sam Goldwyn]

An oral contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.  [Sam Goldwyn]

Everybody likes a kidder, but no one loans him money.  [Arthur Miller]

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.  [Jackie Mason]

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality by not dying. [Woody Allen]

Marriage is a wonderful institution. But who wants to live in an institution? [Groucho Marx]

A politician is a man who will double cross that bridge when he comes to it. [Oscar Levant]

Too bad that all the people who know how to run this country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair.  [George Burns]

Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen.  [Mort Sahl]

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.  [Milton Berle]

I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everyone to tell me the truth, even if it costs them their jobs.  [Sam Goldwyn]
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A TALMUDIC QUESTION (Also from Susan)

A well respected San Francisco psychoanalyst raises the following question in the hopes that Talmudic scholars might think more about it:

Is it okay for Jews to take Viagra on Shabbat?
One rabbi says that Jewish law forbids the ingestion of Viagra on Shabbat, lest one violate the infraction of erecting a structure on the Sabbath.

But another rabbi says that as a medication which adds pleasure to the Sabbath (not to mention the rest of the week), it is permissible. However, taking Viagra is taboo during Passover - as well as any other agent that causes things to rise.

Which raises (you'll excuse the expression) yet another question:
What braucha (prayer) does an observant Jew say before taking the Viagra pill?

There is a choice of three:

1. Boruch Atah HaShem zokeif kfuffim -- Bless you Lord for straightening those who are bent.
2. Boruch Atah HaShem yaaleh vyavo -- Bless you Lord for causing things to arise and come.
3. Boruch Atah HaShem mechayei hameitim -- Bless you Lord for raising the dead.

Amen
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Joe (joeh-crankyoldman.blogspot.com) sent me this:
The Mexican maid asked her Jewish employer for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."

"The first eez that I iron better than you."

Jewish Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."

J. W.: "Oh yeah?"

Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."

J. W.: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Jor huzban did."

J. W., increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"

Maria: "The third reason eez that I am better at sex than you in the bed."

J. W., really boiling now and through gritted teeth: "And did my husband say that as well?"

Maria: "No Señora....the gardener did."

J. W.: "So, Maria, how much do you think would be fair?"
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A man questions if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. He goes to a priest for his opinion on this question. The priest says after consulting the Bible, "My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted the Sabbath." The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?"

He goes to a minister... a married man, experienced… for the answer. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and not for the Sabbath!

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority -- a man of thousands of year's tradition and knowledge: a rabbi. The rabbi ponders the question and states, "My son, sex is definitely play."

The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"

The rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work...my wife would have the maid do it."
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After many years, a young Jewish Talmud student who had left the old country for America returns to visit the family.

"But-where is your beard?" asks his mother upon seeing him.

"Mama," he replies, "In America, nobody wears a beard."

"But at least you keep the Sabbath?"

"Mama, business is business. In America, everybody works on the Sabbath."

"But kosher food you still eat?"

"Mama, in America, it is very difficult to keep kosher."

The old lady ponders this information and then leans over and whispers in his ear, "Isaac, tell me, you're still circumcised?"

joke buddha.com
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One bright, beautiful Sabbath morning everyone in a small Israeli town got up early and went to the local synagogue. Before the services started the townspeople were sitting in their pews when suddenly Satan appeared at the front of the temple.

Everyone started screaming and running for the exit, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate.

Soon everyone evacuated from the temple except for Jacob, an elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew. He was not moving and seemed oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. 

Now, this confused and irritated the Devil a little bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" "Yep, sure do," replied Jacob. Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?" "Nu, why should I be?” he asked.

Satan, a little more perturbed at this, asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" Jacob calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."
joke buddha.com
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Q. Why do Jewish men die before their wives?
A. They want to!!
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Q. How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. "None.  I'm fine.  I'll just sit here in the dark!!"















Never be too open minded; your brains could fall out----fishducky