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Tuesday, January 27, 2015

I ONCE SHOT AN ELEPHANT IN MY PAJAMAS; HOW HE GOT IN MY PAJAMAS I'LL NEVER KNOW!! --Groucho Marx






If you don't like these, don't blame me--blame http://homepage.eircom.net!!


Q: How can you tell that an elephant has been in your fridge?
A: By the footprints in the butter.


Q: How do you get an elephant out of the water?
A: Wet.


Q: How do you get two elephants out of the water?
A: One by one.


Q: Why do elephants wear shoes with yellow soles?
A: So that they can hide upside-down in bowls of custard.


Q: Did you ever find an elephant in your custard?
A: No? Well, it must work.


Q: Why do elephants live in herds?
A: To get a wholesale reduction on the shoes with yellow soles.


Q: How do you smuggle an elephant across the border?
A: Put a slice of bread on each side, and call him "lunch"
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Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun, of course.


Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
A: Ever seen a yellow elephant?!!!


Q: Why are elephants wrinkled?
A: Have you ever tried to iron one?


Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was dead.


Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It was glued to the first one.


Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It thought it was a game.


Q: And why did the tree fall down?
A: It thought it was an elephant.


Q: How many legs does an elephant have?
A: Four, two in the front, two in the back.


Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?
A: Chicken's day off.


Q: What was the elephant doing on the motorway?
A: About 5 mph (8kph in the rest of the world)


Q: How do you get an elephant into a VW?
A: Open the car door, put the elephant inside, close the door.


Q: How do you put an elephant into a fridge?
A: Open the VW door, take the elephant out, close the VW door, open the fridge, put the elephant inside, close the fridge.


Q: How do you get 4 elephants into a Volkswagen?
A: 2 in the front and 2 in the back


Q: How do you know if there are 3 elephants in your fridge?
A: Can't get the fridge door closed.


Q: How do you know if there are 4 elephants in your fridge?
A: There's a VW parked outside it.


Q: How do you get 8(!) elephants in a fridge?
A: Put four in a VW, four in another VW, put the two VW's in the fridge, A fridge large enough to hold two elephants can surely hold two VW's!


Q: How do you get Tarzan in the fridge?
A: Open door, get two VW's out, put Tarzan in, close door.


Q: How do you know Tarzan is in the fridge?
A: You can hear Tarzan scream OYOYOYOIYOIYOOOOOO


Q: How do you get two Tarzans in the fridge?
A: You can't, silly. There is only one Tarzan!


Q: Why are there so many elephants running around free in the jungle?
A: The fridge isn't large enough to hold them all.


Q: How many elephants can you actually put in a fridge?
A: Depends on the size of the elephants.


Q: What did the fifth elephant in the VW discover?
A: The sun roof.


Q: The Lion (king of the animals) gathered all the animals for a meeting, all of them showed up except the elephants. Why?
A: They were stuck in the VW.


Q: How many giraffes can you fit in a VW?
A: None, the elephants are in there!


Q: What do you call two elephants on a bicycle?
A: Optimistic!


Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into the city?
A: Free Parking.


Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into work?
A: Sole use of the elevator.


Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in the pub?
A: Its bike is outside.


Q: How do you know if there are two elephants in the pub?
A: There is a dent in the bar.


Q: How do you know if there are three elephants in the pub?
A: Stand on the bike and have a look in the window.


Q: Why do elephants wear tiny green hats?
A: To sneak across a pool table without being seen.


Q: How many elephants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, but you need a real big bulb.


Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale?
A: A submarine with a built-in snorkel.


Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?
A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.


Q: Why do elephants wear sandals?
A: So that they don't sink in the sand.


Q: Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground?
A: To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals.


Q: How do you make a dead elephant float?
A: Well, you take 10 dead elephants, 10 tons of chocolate ice-cream, 5 tons of bananas, .....


Q: How do you get an elephant on top of an oak tree?
A: Stand him on an acorn and wait fifty years.


Q: What if you don't want to wait fifty years?
A: Parachute him from an airplane.


Q: Why isn't it safe to climb oak trees between 2 and 4 in the afternoon?
A: Because that is when the elephants practice their parachute jumping.
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Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?
A: From stamping out forest fires.


Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
A: From stamping out flaming ducks.


Q: Why are elephants feet shaped that way?
A: To fit on lily pads.


Q: Why isn't it safe to go onto the lily pads between 4 and 6 in the afternoon?
A: That's when the elephants are walking on the lily pads.


Q: Why are frogs so short?
A: They go onto the lily pads between 4 and 6 in the afternoon.
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Q: What do you know when you see three elephants walking down the street wearing pink sweatshirts?
A: They're all on the same team.


Q: How do you know if there's an elephant in bed?
A: He has a big 'E' on his pajama pocket.


Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
A: Take away his credit card.


Q: Why do elephants have trunks?
A: Because they would look silly with glove compartments.


Q: What did the elephant say when he saw a dead ant on the road?
A: Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!! (to be sung).


Q: What did he say when he saw a live ant on the road?
A: He stamped it to death and then said "Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!!".


Q: What do you give a seasick elephant?
A: Lots of room.


Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with an ant?
A: A dead ant.
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Q: What has two tails, two trunks and five feet?
A: An elephant with spare parts


Q: What is more difficult than getting an elephant into the back seat of your car?
A: Getting TWO elephants into the back seat of your car!


Q: What's grey and puts out forest fires?
A: Smokey the Elephant.


Q: What happens when an elephant sits in front of you at the movies?
A: You miss most of the picture!


Q: What did the peanut say to the elephant?
A: Nothing, peanuts can't talk.


Q: How many elephants can you fit into a Mercedes?
A: 5. Two in the front, two in the back, and one in the glove compartment.


Q: How do you know when an Elephant has been in the baby carriage?
A: By the footprints on the baby's forehead!


Q: What is beautiful, gray and wears glass slippers?
A: Cinderelephant.


Tim Conway displays his pure comic genius as he tells his Elephant Story on the Carol Burnett Show and absolutely wrecks his fellow cast mates’ ability to keep a straight face. The show was filmed live and the actors were always trying to make each other laugh which is something Tim Conway excelled at doing.
To see it, click here.  














A science lesson:


I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top----fishducky