If you don't like these, don't blame me--blame http://homepage.eircom.net!!
Q: How
can you tell that an elephant has been in your fridge?
A: By the footprints in the butter.
Q: How do
you get an elephant out of the water?
A: Wet.
Q: How do
you get two elephants out of the water?
A: One by one.
Q: Why do elephants wear shoes with yellow soles?
A: So that they can hide upside-down in bowls of custard.
Q: Did you ever find an elephant in your custard?
A: No? Well, it must work.
Q: Why do
elephants live in herds?
A: To get a wholesale reduction on the shoes with yellow soles.
Q: How do
you smuggle an elephant across the border?
A: Put a slice of bread on each side, and call him
"lunch"
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Q: How do
you shoot a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun, of course.
Q: How do
you shoot a yellow elephant?
A: Ever seen a yellow elephant?!!!
Q: Why
are elephants wrinkled?
A: Have you ever tried to iron one?
Q: Why
did the elephant fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was dead.
Q: Why
did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It was glued to the first one.
Q: Why
did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It thought it was a game.
Q: And
why did the tree fall down?
A: It thought it was an elephant.
Q: How
many legs does an elephant have?
A: Four, two in the front, two in the back.
Q: Why
did the elephant cross the road?
A: Chicken's day off.
Q: What
was the elephant doing on the motorway?
A: About 5 mph (8kph in the rest of the world)
Q: How do
you get an elephant into a VW?
A: Open the car door, put the elephant inside, close the door.
Q: How do
you put an elephant into a fridge?
A: Open the VW door, take the elephant out, close the VW door,
open the fridge, put the elephant inside, close the fridge.
Q: How do
you get 4 elephants into a Volkswagen?
A: 2 in the front and 2 in the back
Q: How do
you know if there are 3 elephants in your fridge?
A: Can't get the fridge door closed.
Q: How do
you know if there are 4 elephants in your fridge?
A: There's a VW parked outside it.
Q: How do
you get 8(!) elephants in a fridge?
A: Put four in a VW, four in another VW, put the two VW's in the
fridge, A fridge large enough to hold two elephants can surely hold two VW's!
Q: How do
you get Tarzan in the fridge?
A: Open door, get two VW's out, put Tarzan in, close door.
Q: How do
you know Tarzan is in the fridge?
A: You can hear Tarzan scream OYOYOYOIYOIYOOOOOO
Q: How do
you get two Tarzans in the fridge?
A: You can't, silly. There is only one Tarzan!
Q: Why
are there so many elephants running around free in the jungle?
A: The fridge isn't large enough to hold them all.
Q: How
many elephants can you actually put in a fridge?
A: Depends on the size of the elephants.
Q: What
did the fifth elephant in the VW discover?
A: The sun roof.
Q: The
Lion (king of the animals) gathered all the animals for a meeting, all of them
showed up except the elephants. Why?
A: They were stuck in the VW.
Q: How
many giraffes can you fit in a VW?
A: None, the elephants are in there!
Q: What
do you call two elephants on a bicycle?
A: Optimistic!
Q: What
do you get if you take an elephant into the city?
A: Free Parking.
Q: What
do you get if you take an elephant into work?
A: Sole use of the elevator.
Q: How do
you know if there is an elephant in the pub?
A: Its bike is outside.
Q: How do
you know if there are two elephants in the pub?
A: There is a dent in the bar.
Q: How do
you know if there are three elephants in the pub?
A: Stand on the bike and have a look in the window.
Q: Why do
elephants wear tiny green hats?
A: To sneak across a pool table without being seen.
Q: How many elephants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, but you need a real big bulb.
Q: What
do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale?
A: A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
Q: How do
you know if there is an elephant under the bed?
A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.
Q: Why do
elephants wear sandals?
A: So that they don't sink in the sand.
Q: Why do
ostriches stick their head in the ground?
A: To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals.
Q: How do
you make a dead elephant float?
A: Well, you take 10 dead elephants, 10 tons of chocolate
ice-cream, 5 tons of bananas, .....
Q: How do
you get an elephant on top of an oak tree?
A: Stand him on an acorn and wait fifty years.
Q: What
if you don't want to wait fifty years?
A: Parachute him from an airplane.
Q: Why
isn't it safe to climb oak trees between 2 and 4 in the afternoon?
A: Because that is when the elephants practice their parachute
jumping.
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Q: Why do
ducks have flat feet?
A: From stamping out forest fires.
Q: Why do
elephants have flat feet?
A: From stamping out flaming ducks.
Q: Why
are elephants feet shaped that way?
A: To fit on lily pads.
Q: Why
isn't it safe to go onto the lily pads between 4 and 6 in the afternoon?
A: That's when the elephants are walking on the lily pads.
Q: Why
are frogs so short?
A: They go onto the lily pads between 4 and 6 in the afternoon.
_________________________________________________________________________
Q: What
do you know when you see three elephants walking down the street wearing pink
sweatshirts?
A: They're all on the same team.
Q: How do
you know if there's an elephant in bed?
A: He has a big 'E' on his pajama pocket.
Q: How do
you stop an elephant from charging?
A: Take away his credit card.
Q: Why do
elephants have trunks?
A: Because they would look silly with glove compartments.
Q: What
did the elephant say when he saw a dead ant on the road?
A: Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!! (to be sung).
Q: What
did he say when he saw a live ant on the road?
A: He stamped it to death and then said "Deadant! Deadant!
Deadant!!!".
Q: What
do you give a seasick elephant?
A: Lots of room.
Q: What
do you get when you cross an elephant with an ant?
A: A dead ant.
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Q: What has two tails, two trunks and five feet?
_________________________________________________________________________
Q: What has two tails, two trunks and five feet?
A: An elephant with spare parts
Q: What
is more difficult than getting an elephant into the back seat of your car?
A: Getting TWO elephants into the back seat of your car!
Q: What's
grey and puts out forest fires?
A: Smokey the Elephant.
Q: What
happens when an elephant sits in front of you at the movies?
A: You miss most of the picture!
Q: What
did the peanut say to the elephant?
A: Nothing, peanuts can't talk.
Q: How
many elephants can you fit into a Mercedes?
A: 5. Two in the front, two in the back, and one in the glove
compartment.
Q: How do
you know when an Elephant has been in the baby carriage?
A: By the footprints on the baby's forehead!
Q: What
is beautiful, gray and wears glass slippers?
A: Cinderelephant.
Tim Conway displays his pure comic genius
as he tells his Elephant Story on the Carol Burnett Show and absolutely wrecks
his fellow cast mates’ ability to keep a straight face. The show was filmed
live and the actors were always trying to make each other laugh which is
something Tim Conway excelled at doing.
To see it, click here.
A science lesson:
I don't know how I got over the hill
without getting to the top----fishducky
