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Monday, March 2, 2015

PROPER NAMES ARE POETRY IN THE RAW...


...but some of them should have been cooked a little while!





(Reworked from several old posts)

I read in the paper several years ago where a young couple had a daughter they named Anesthesia.  (True.)  Probably, when she was giving birth, the doctor said, “It’s a girl!  What are you going to name her?”  She was still in pain & didn’t hear his question, so she yelled out her own need--“Anesthesia!”  What?  It could have happened that way.

My dad’s given name was Angel Kiewitsky.  He always went by the name Archie Keyes.  When I was starting college he decided to have it changed legally.  Off went our family to the courthouse.  As I recall, almost the entire conversation between the judge & my father went like this: Judge: “Your name is Angel Kiewitsky?”  AK: “Yes, Your Honor.”  Judge: “And you want it changed to Archie Keyes?”  AK: “Yes, sir.”  Judge: “I don’t blame you.  Granted.”

Far be it from me to make fun of anyone’s name—since I was born with the lovely, lilting surname of Kiewitsky—but I was watching a golf tournament on TV & saw a young golfer by the name of John Huh.  He is Asian; I believe of Korean descent.  I thought of how his life must be frighteningly like the Abbott & Costello routine, “Who’s On First?”.  How many times could someone go through this without exploding?  “What’s your name?”  “Huh.”  “I said, WHAT’S YOUR NAME?” “Huh.”  “I SAID, WHAT’S--YOUR--NAME???????????”   Maybe Kiewitsky wasn’t so bad.


While I was working as a dental assistant to a children's dentist, I had to open the door to the waiting room & call out the name of the next patient.  I looked at the card of the child who was next & I hesitated.  The child was a new patient & of some foreign nationality.  As I remember, his name was spelled Shiitte.  I called out his name but I pronounced it "Shight".  His mother corrected me & said it was pronounced "Shitty".  No further comment is necessary!!


These are REAL people--some of whom have passed away.  Whether they would have lived longer with a different name, I have no idea:

Haralambos T. Haralambos--was in the Army with Bud.
Ima Hogg--daughter of a Texas governor.
Shanda Lear--daughter of Bill Lear, inventor of the Lear Jet.

Sometimes it's not planned to be funny--some true cases in point:

Andy Friese--(pronounced "antifreeze"), a race car driver.
Dick Finder--a urologist.
Dr. & Dr. Doctor--married doctors from CT.
Dr. Look--an opthamologist
Dr. Slaughter--a surgeon.
Ernie Coli--(E. coli) owns a restaurant.
Harry Rump--a plumber.

A couple of quick notes:

"My mum was Hazel Nutt.  Her maiden name was Morrison & she married my father, Peter Nutt."

"My name was Susan Frame.  I am a lawyer.  I met & married Robert, who is a banker.  His surname is Mee.  Now we are Sue Mee, a lawyer, & Rob Mee, a banker."

Celebrities are the worst offenders.  Since they are so widely admired, I guess they think whatever they do is clever.  Here's a list of some of the "clever" ones & the names they've saddled their kids with:

Apple----Gwyneth Paltrow & Chris Martin
Rumer/Scout/Tallulah----Bruce Willis & Demi Moore
Bronx Mowgli----Shannyn Sossamon & Dallas Clayton
Daisy Bo/ Petal Rainbow Blossom----Jamie & Juliette Oliver
Pilot Inspektor----Jason Lee & Beth Reisgraf
Kal-El (Superman's name on Krypton)----Nicolas Cage & Alice Kim
Moxie CrimeFighter/ Zolten----Penn & Emily Jillette
Sparrow James Midnight----Nicole Richie & Joel Madden
Zowie----David & Angela Bowie
Jermajesty----Jermaine Jackson
Fifi Trixibelle/ Little Pixie/ Peaches Honeyblossom----Paula Yates & Bob Geldof
Tiger Lily Heavenly Hirani----Paula Yates & Michael Hutchence
Seven Sirius----Erykah Badu & Andre 3000
Puma Sabti----Erykah Badu & The D.O.C.
Mars Merkaba----Erykah Badu & Jay Electronica
Rocket/ Racer/ Rebel/ Rogue----Robert Rodriguez & Elizabeth Avelian
Prince Michael Joseph, Jr/ Paris Michael/ Prince Michael ll----Michael Jackson
Memphis Eve/ Elijah Bob Patricius Guggi Q----Bono & Allison Hewson
Moon Unit/ Dweezil/ Diva Thin Muffin Pigeen/ Ahmet Emuukha Rodan----Frank Zappa
AND I can't forget George Foreman, who has 5 sons--ALL NAMED GEORGE!

I'd like to offer my suggestions for the names of the future children of celebrities. At least we'd know what they meant:

The lady pirate: Peg Legg
I'm tired: Adelaide Evening
We're renting a bathroom: The Lieutenants
Employment handbook: Ernie Living
How to break in: Jimmy DeLocke
If you don't want to buy: Lisa Carr
Female criminal: Robyn Banks
Let's eat: X. Benedict
Russian wetback: Yuri Legal
A complainer: Dawn Doothat
Stop the pain: Otis Leghertz
Breaking the law: Kermit A. Kreim
Falling underwear: Lucy Lastic
Missed the deadline: Stew Layt
To be honest: Frank Lee
A helper: Abel N. Willin
I'm fine: Howard Yew
German bank robber: Hans Zupp
Gamblers Anonymous member: Lou Zerr
Mensa man: Gene Yuss
If you don't understand: Alex Blaine Layder


Let's play with their names:
If Oprah Winfrey married Deepak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.

If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.

If Tuesday Weld married Frederick March's son, she'd be Tuesday, March the Second.

If Lucille Ball married Vitus Bering (the explorer), she'd be Lucille Ball-Bering.

If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM) & Norbert Wiener (mathematician) she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.


I wonder if Crayola has considered
making these changes?

















Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness----fishducky