Tuesday, May 19, 2015


Do you believe that Chinese fortune cookies can really tell your fortune?  The following messages/fortunes were actually found in cookies.  They might be more believable if you added the words "in bed" to each of them:

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

An alien of some sort will be appearing to you shortly.

Flattery will go far tonight.

He who laughs at himself never runs out of things to laugh at.

The greatest danger could be your stupidity. 

You will be hungry again in one hour.

Confucius say: if you think I’m going to sum up your whole life on this little bit of paper, you’re crazy.

Help! I am being held prisoner in a Chinese bakery.

It’s about time I got out of that cookie.

Only listen to the fortune cookie; disregard all other fortune telling units.

That wasn’t chicken.

When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

I think these should be in those cookies:


Baby conceived naturally.... Scientists stumped. 

Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million. 

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking. 

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036. 

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $7.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only. 

35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss. 

Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants. 

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches. 

Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes before installation is completed. 

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled up newspapers must be registered by January 204 

Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to campaign accounts. 

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75% 
Q: What do you get when you cross a fortune teller with a prostitute?
A: A whoroscope.

A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner of the waiting room and saw a weighing machine that also tells your fortune. So, she thought to herself, "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me.". 

She went over to the machine, put a quarter in, and out came a card that read, "You're a nun who weighs 128 pounds and you're going to Chicago, Illinois."

She sat down and thought about it. She reasoned that it probably tells everyone the same thing, but decided to try it again. She went back to the machine, put her quarter in, and out came a card that read, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 pounds, you're going to Chicago, Illinois, and you're going to play a fiddle." The nun said to herself, "I know that's wrong! I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life."

She sat back down when out of nowhere a cowboy sat next to her and set his fiddle case in the seat next to the lady. The nun picked up the fiddle and played the most beautiful music, as if she had been playing for years. Startled, she looked back at the machine and said, "This is incredible! I've got to try it again!"

Back to the machine she went. She put her quarter in and another card came out that read, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 pounds, you're going to Chicago, Illinois, and you're going to break wind." Now the nun knew the machine was wrong. "I've never broken wind in public a day in my life!" She turned around and tripped, falling off the scale, breaking wind. Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, "This is truly unbelievable! I've got to try it again!"

She went back to the machine, put in a quarter, and collected the card. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 pounds, you have fiddled and farted around and missed your plane to Chicago!!"
In a dark and gloomy room, the fortune teller was startled by what she saw in her crystal ball. She looked up at her customer, sitting across the table. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know.

She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked, "Will I get away with it?"
Not a fortune teller, but a wizard--besides, I liked this joke:

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 50 years. The wizard says, “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the course on you.” 

The old man says without hesitation, “I now pronounce you man and wife.”

The future may already be here!!

I know what you think about psychics----fishducky