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Wednesday, May 27, 2015

MANNERS, SHMANNERS!!



Lord knows I tried to teach my kids good manners, especially at the dinner table.  At times, when they were growing up, I would even serve dinner with my good china & crystal so they would get used to using nice things.  One day, however, I caught the boys playing "Lookee!" at dinner. (For those of you who are childless, "Lookee!" consists of filling your mouth with food, chewing a little & then opening your mouth as wide as you can.)  I chewed them out (pun intended) while Nameless sat on her little butt & laughed.  It wasn't until years later that she told me she had started it.  This was the way we sat at our table.  She knew I couldn't see her if she turned her head ever so slightly to the left!!

This next is not about manners, but I just want you to understand that we weren't really so strict with our kids about everything.  No subject was ever off limits at our dinner table.  Once Nameless asked what a homosexual was.  We weren’t sure how to explain this to an 8 year old.  We told her that while most men love women, there were some men who loved other men.  We said this was the way God made them & it was fine.  We asked her if she understood & she said, “Yeah—you mean like a lesbian, only a man!”

We were giving a dinner party for a group of a dozen or so friends.  Our guests included Lexi, the 4 or 5 year old daughter of one of our neighbors.  We were engaged in some lively conversation & Lexi decided to join in.  She had gotten in about half a sentence when someone else started talking.  This little runt looked him straight in the eye & politely said, in a sweet little voice, "Excuse me--I was talking!!"  Put him right in his place!!

RULES FOR REDNECK MANNERS:

Personal Hygiene

Dirt and/or grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the tastes of finger foods.

While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's own truck keys.

Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours. It's a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.

It's recommended that women occasionally shave their legs and under-arms. No amount of effort, not even braiding, can make hair in these body regions attractive.

Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.

Fashion

No matter how durable, Army boots are not proper footwear for mothers & hip waders are not considered dress pants.

Dining Out

When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

While okay at home, in a restaurant it's considered crass to ask, "Are you gonna eat the rest of that meatloaf?" Especially if you don't know the person.

Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobile home costs just as much as yours.

Out for the Evening

Sometimes you might find yourself in social settings where you don't know anyone. Here are a few lines that have been proven effective in breaking the ice:

Do I have anything stuck in my teeth?

How long have you had that thing on your nose?

Entertaining in your Home

Do not allow the dog to eat at the table... no matter how good his manners are.

A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

Always wipe your hands before picking your teeth.

Dating (Outside the Family)

Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years ago."

Shower her with compliments: "You ain't near as ugly as your sister. And that scar barely shows when you get up close."

Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00. Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the boy's responsibility to get her to school on time.

Even if you can't get a date, avoid kidnapping.
jokebuddha.com


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Today's kids don't seem to think manners are very important:













There are moments when everything goes well, but don't be frightened----fishducky