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Monday, June 1, 2015

GOD'S QUALITY MANAGEMENT QUESTIONAIRE




  


God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. 


Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions. 

1. How did you find out about God? 

__ Newspaper 

__ Television 

__ Word of mouth 

__ Google

__ Torah 

__ Bible 

__ Koran 

__ Other Book

__ Graffiti 

__ Divine Inspiration

__ Saw His face on a grilled cheese sandwich 

__ Near Death Experience 

__ Friend or Relative 

__ Other: (Please explain) ______________________________________ 


2. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply. 

__ Tarot 

__ Horoscope 

__ Fortune cookies

__ Ouija boards 

__ Self-help books 

__ Biorhythms

__ Movies 

__ Mantras 

__ Insurance policies

__ Crossing fingers 

__ Lottery 

__ Television 

__ Ann Landers 

__ Other: (Please explain) ______________________________________ 

__ None 


3. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer? (Circle one) 

a. More Divine Intervention 

b. Less Divine Intervention 

c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right 

d. Don't know 

4. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following: (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent)

a. Disasters (flood, famine, earthquake, war) 
1 2 3 4 5 

b. Miracles (rescues, spontaneous remission of disease, sports upsets)
1 2 3 4 5 

5. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of 
God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary):
____________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________
arcamax (with adjustments by fishducky)

One of my favorite jokes:


Sadie, a middle-aged woman, has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks Him if this is it. God says no and tells her that she has another 30 years, 4 months and 6 days to live.

Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she’s got another 30 years she might as well make the most of it.

She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding by. She arrives in front of God and complains, “I thought you said I had another 30 plus years.”

God says, "Sadie, is that you?  I didn't recognize you!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you created me and all of this beautiful garden and all of these amazing animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above. "Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a man, Lord?" 

"Man will be a flawed creature, with many wretched traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But... he'll be bigger, stronger, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll make him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds wonderful!" says Eve, " but what's the catch, Lord?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret... You know, woman to woman."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Top Ten Reasons Eve Was Created


10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.

9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.

8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.

7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor”s, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.

6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.

5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain of childbearing.

4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.

3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!

And the #1 reason why God created Eve...


1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that!"
















When you do a good deed get a receipt (in case heaven is like the IRS)----fishducky