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Friday, June 26, 2015

I'D LIKE ANOTHER WASS OF GLINE, PLEASE






(A reworked post from January, 2014.)

I'll have a glass of wine with dinner once a month or so, but I've never felt the need to drink. Except, of course, after the Cub Scout meetings at my home when the kids were growing up. That was "Stay away from Mommy" time.  I've been tipsy, but I was only drunk out of my skull twice in my life.  Let me tell you about those times, as best as I can remember.

We had gone to a party & I must have had a very good time.  While Bud was taking the babysitter home, I attempted (successfully!) to navigate our long & narrow hall to our bedroom. I'm grateful the hall was so narrow, because the only way I could keep from falling over was to keep my arms shoulder height at my sides, palms facing outward.  That way, when I tipped to one side or the other, I found my self braced against the wall.  Pretty clever for a drunk, I think!!

The other time, we were going on vacation the following day & Bud's office threw us a going away party.  I don't remember the party but I do remember sitting on my dresser while one of the secretaries packed for me & then put me to bed.  Secretaries are apparently talented in many ways!!

We were staying at a hotel in Puerto Vallarta with our friends, Bob & Phyllis.  We tried hard not to be “ugly Americans” & to speak as much Spanish as we could.  Bob really liked butter & at dinner, he always wanted more.  He would say to the waiter, “More mantequilla, por favor".  We couldn’t understand why, if he could learn the words for butter (mantequilla) & please (por favor) he couldn’t remember the much simpler word for more (mas).  He DID manage to master the emergency phrase, “Tres margaritas, por favor.  Dos con sal y uno sin sal.”  (“Three margaritas, please.  Two with salt & one without salt.”)  I like lots of salt on mine!!

Bud was never a drinker--after he was 21.  Before then, he would drink occasionally with his friends to feel more mature.  He decided he didn't like the taste of alcohol, so he quit shortly after.  His father, Phil, was an executive in the Musicians' Union.  He & Bud were in a bar with his Caesar Petrillo, the then president of the union.  Mr. Petrillo asked Phil why it was that when people are paying for their own drinks, they'll have rotgut, but when it's on him they all have call shot whiskey.
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A man goes into a pub, takes a seat at the bar, and orders five shots. The bartender gives him an odd look since he’s all by himself, but he serves up the five shots and lines them up on the bar. The man downs them all quickly. He finishes the last one and calls out, "Four shots, please!" 

The bartender serves up four shots and lines them on the bar. The man downs them all. Then he belches loudly, sways slightly on the stool, and orders three. And one after the other, he knocks them back. "Two shots!" he calls, and the bartender places two shots in front of him. Down they go. As the man slams the last one down on the bar, he says, "One shot bartender." So the bartender fills the glass. 

The man sits there, staring at it for a moment, trying to focus. Then he looks at the barman and says, "You know, it's a funny thing, but the less I drink, the drunker I get!!"
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A dyslexic drunk walks into a bra…
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Q: What did the man with slab of asphalt under his arm order?
A: "A beer please, and one for the road."
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Q: What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
A: Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!!
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If you drink too much alcohol you are an alcoholic. If you drink too much Fanta, does that make you Fantastic?
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A man walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey then looks into his pocket. He does this over and over again. Finally, the bartender asks why he orders a shot of whiskey and afterwards looks into his pocket. The man says, "I have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts to look good then I’ll go home."
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The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, sir. You're obviously drunk" The wasted wino asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?" "Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the cop. "Let's go." Obviously relieved, the wino said "That's a relief--I thought I was a cripple."
all above from jokes4us.com 
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A man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night. 

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." 

The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?" 

The man replied, "That would be my wife."
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A supposedly true story:

It seems a gentleman had too much alcohol at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn't walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters.

The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed.

He was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door, created by two more state troopers. "Are you Mr. Johnson?" the asked? He admitted that he was. "Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving under the influence?" Again, the man admitted that was he. "And what did you do then," the troopers asked." The man replied that he drove his car home and went to bed. "Where is your car now?" the troopers inquired. The man answered that it was in the garage. "May we see the car?" asked the troopers. The man answered, "Sure," and opened the garage. 

Inside the garage was the state troopers’ car.
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The next two items were posted in tumblr:


There’s a very drunk man down my street who has been flirting with a tree for twenty minutes now.  
He’s on his knees now. I think he’s proposing. 
Drunk man currently walking away from the tree, shouting “YOU’RE ALL THE SAME”.
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I’m having a fruit salad for dinner. Well, it’s mostly grapes. Okay, it’s all grapes. Fermented grapes. I’m having wine for dinner.


A fondness for beer can
help your fellow man.


Susan (I Think, Therefore I Yam) sent me this.
Thanks, Susan!!

Drunkenness is not confined to humans: 


This store apparently frowns on drinking alcohol
but  not selling it:







I love these wine openers.

You can do impressions with them:
If I spin them, it always reminds me of an ice skater.

Move the "arms" up & down & it exercises.

Turn the "head" of the opener & recreate a scene from "The Exorcist".

























Never publicly identify yourself as a drinker:
















Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do at meetings is stand up and say, "My name is Tom and I'm an alcoholic?"----fishducky