fishducky, finally!: 06/30/15

Tuesday, June 30, 2015

LIAR, LIAR, PANTS ON FIRE!!

BECOME A BETTER LIAR--IT'S EASY!
Just follow these steps:

1.First of all, minimize your lies. If you lie all the time, people will never believe you.

2. Try to cry while you're lying. Everyone believes someone who's crying.

3. Always swear to god (not God with a capital "G"... you'll be punished severely!) Little "g" god can mean Zeus or Poseidon or Money.

4. Emphasize each word (e.g. I... SWEAR... TO... GOD!!!)

5. Break something (a dish or a vase) if you detect that the listener is even remotely doubting you.

6. Always say: "Ask so-and-so. They'll back me up on this". Be sure to name your best friend, though. Best friends always side with you whether you're lying or not.

7. Plan out your lie ahead of time. Never ad lib, you'll stutter. Never stutter!

8. Never stay in the same city for more than a few months. People catch on to your line of crap in 2 to 3 months on the average.

9. Don't take chances on lies that can be easily researched. For instance, don't say you own Don Quixote's original sword. Your listener might find out that Don Quixote was a fictional character.

10. Stick to your lie NO MATTER WHAT!!

11. Try going to law school. You can make good money, too!!

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ADS FROM WOMEN--What they really mean

40-ish... 48

Adventurer... Has had more partners than you ever will

Athletic... Flat-chested

Average looking... Ugly

Beautiful... Pathological liar

Contagious Smile... Bring your penicillin

Educated... College dropout

Emotionally Secure... Medicated

Feminist... Fat; ball buster

Free spirit... Substance user

Friendship first... Trying to live down reputation as slut

Fun... Annoying

Gentle... Comatose

Good Listener... Borderline Autistic

New-Age... All body hair, all the time

Old-fashioned... Lights out, missionary position only

Open-minded... Desperate

Outgoing... Loud

Passionate... Loud

Poet... Depressive Schzophrenic

Professional... Real Witch

Redhead... Shops the Clairol section

Reubenesque... Grossly Fat

Romantic... Looks better by candle light

Voluptuous... Very Fat

Wants Soulmate... One step away from stalking

Widow... Nagged first husband to death

Young at heart... Toothless crone

THE MALE SIDE OF THE LIST

40-ish... 52 and looking for 25-yr-old

Athletic... Sits on the couch and watches ESPN

Average looking... Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back

Educated... Will always treat you like an idiot

Free Spirit... Sleeps with your sister

Friendship first... As long as friendship involves nudity Fun... Good with a remote and a six pack

Good looking... Arrogant

Honest... Pathological Liar

Huggable... Overweight, more body hair than a bear

Likes to cuddle... Insecure, overly dependent

Mature... Until you get to know him

Open-minded... Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested

Physically fit... I spend a lot of time in front of a mirror admiring myself

Poet... Has written on a bathroom stall

Spiritual... Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday

Stable... Occasional stalker, but never arrested

Thoughtful... Says "Please" when demanding a beer

Young at heart…pedophile

Well there you have it, truth in advertising!!

all above courtesy jokebuddha.com

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Two oldies but goodies:

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The farmer, after seeing what had happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole to bury the politicians.

When the local sheriff came out & saw the crashed bus, he asked the farmer where all the politicians had gone. He told him he had buried them. The sheriff asked the farmer, "Were they ALL dead?" He said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but they were politicians & I didn’t believe them!"

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A guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Sure do." the dog replies.

"So, what's your story?" The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running."

"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals."

"Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"He's a liar. He didn't do any of that shit!"
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And one new one (from Susan):

A man went to the doctor’s office to ask for a triple dosage of Viagra.
Doctor: I can’t give you a triple dose.
Man: Why not?
Doctor: Because it's not safe.
Man: But I need it really bad.
Doctor: Well, why do you need it so badly?
Man: My girlfriend said she's is coming into town on Friday, my ex-wife promised to be here on Saturday & my wife told me she's coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I've got to have a triple dose.
The doctor finally relented.

Doctor: All right, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects.

On Monday afternoon the man dragged himself into the doctor’s office...his right arm in a sling.

Doctor: Good God! What happened to you?

Man: No one showed up.

From the movie "Liar, Liar":