BECOME A BETTER LIAR--IT'S EASY!
Just follow these steps:
Just follow these steps:
1.First of all,
minimize your lies. If you lie all the time, people will never believe you.
2. Try to cry while you're lying. Everyone believes someone who's crying.
3. Always swear to god
(not God with a capital "G"... you'll be punished severely!) Little
"g" god can mean Zeus or Poseidon or Money.
4. Emphasize each word
(e.g. I... SWEAR... TO... GOD!!!)
5. Break something (a dish or a vase) if you detect that the listener is even remotely doubting you.
6. Always say: "Ask so-and-so. They'll back me up on this". Be sure to name your best friend, though. Best friends always side with you whether you're lying or not.
7. Plan out your lie ahead of time. Never ad lib, you'll stutter. Never stutter!
8. Never stay in the same city for more than a few months. People catch on to your line of crap in 2 to 3 months on the average.
9. Don't take chances on lies that can be easily researched. For instance, don't say you own Don Quixote's original sword. Your listener might find out that Don Quixote was a fictional character.
10. Stick to your lie NO MATTER WHAT!!
11. Try going to law school. You can make good money, too!!
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ADS FROM WOMEN--What they
really mean
40-ish... 48
Adventurer... Has had more partners than you ever will
Athletic... Flat-chested
Average looking... Ugly
Beautiful... Pathological liar
Contagious Smile...
Bring your penicillin
Educated... College dropout
Emotionally Secure...
Medicated
Feminist... Fat; ball buster
Free spirit... Substance user
Friendship
first... Trying to live down reputation as slut
Fun... Annoying
Gentle...
Comatose
Good Listener... Borderline Autistic
New-Age... All body hair, all the
time
Old-fashioned... Lights out, missionary position only
Open-minded...
Desperate
Outgoing... Loud
Passionate... Loud
Poet... Depressive Schzophrenic
Professional... Real Witch
Redhead... Shops the Clairol section
Reubenesque...
Grossly Fat
Romantic... Looks better by candle light
Voluptuous... Very Fat
Wants Soulmate... One step away
from stalking
Widow... Nagged first husband to death
Young at heart...
Toothless crone
THE MALE SIDE OF THE LIST
40-ish... 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic... Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
Average
looking... Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Educated... Will
always treat you like an idiot
Free Spirit... Sleeps with your sister
Friendship first... As long as friendship involves nudity Fun... Good with a
remote and a six pack
Good looking... Arrogant
Honest... Pathological Liar
Huggable... Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Likes to cuddle... Insecure,
overly dependent
Mature... Until you get to know him
Open-minded... Wants to
sleep with your sister but she's not interested
Physically fit... I spend a lot
of time in front of a mirror admiring myself
Poet... Has written on a bathroom
stall
Spiritual... Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday
Stable... Occasional stalker, but never arrested
Thoughtful... Says
"Please" when demanding a beer
Young
at heart…pedophileWell there you have it, truth in advertising!!
all above courtesy jokebuddha.com
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Two oldies but goodies:
A busload of politicians
were driving down a country road when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road
and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The farmer, after seeing what
had happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole to bury
the politicians.
When the local sheriff came out & saw the crashed bus, he
asked the farmer where all the politicians had gone. He told him he had buried
them. The sheriff asked the farmer, "Were they ALL dead?" He said,
"Well, some of them said they weren't, but they were politicians & I
didn’t believe them!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Sure do." the dog replies.
"So, what's your story?" The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running."
"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals."
"Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says, "Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"He's a liar. He didn't do any of that shit!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And one new one (from Susan):
A man went to the doctor’s office to ask for a triple dosage of Viagra.
Doctor: I can’t give you a triple dose.
Man: Why not?
Doctor: Because it's not safe.
Man: But I need it really bad.
Doctor: Well, why do you need it so badly?
Man: My girlfriend said she's is coming into town on Friday, my ex-wife promised to be here on Saturday & my wife told me she's coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I've got to have a triple dose.
The doctor finally relented.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And one new one (from Susan):
A man went to the doctor’s office to ask for a triple dosage of Viagra.
Doctor: I can’t give you a triple dose.
Man: Why not?
Doctor: Because it's not safe.
Man: But I need it really bad.
Doctor: Well, why do you need it so badly?
Man: My girlfriend said she's is coming into town on Friday, my ex-wife promised to be here on Saturday & my wife told me she's coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I've got to have a triple dose.
The doctor finally relented.
Doctor: All
right, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side
effects.
On Monday afternoon the man dragged himself into the doctor’s office...his right arm in a sling.
Doctor: Good God! What happened to you?
Courtesy BuzzFeed
Lots of cartoons
& that's the truth!!
Thanks, Susan!!
How about a constitutional amendment that declares
anything said in a campaign commercial to be under oath?----fishducky
