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Thursday, July 9, 2015

OF COURSE IT'S TRUE--I SAW IT ONLINE



(They couldn't print it if it wasn't true, could they?)


News article: AT&T CHARGES MAN $27,000 FOR WATCHING CHICAGO BEARS GAME OVER THE WEB. 

$27,000?!! That's it? He actually SAVED money. If he had come to Ford Field in Detroit, you gotta figure: $50 for a cheap seat, $10 minimum for parking, $10 for a hot-dog and chips, $10 for a delicious watered down 3-2 beer, and the $28,000 to replace your stolen car. Do the math, people!!!
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A Microsoft software engineer went through Army basic training. One day they’re out on the firing range, and the software engineer was having a heck of a time hitting the target downrange.

Shot after shot rang out, and the reports from downrange kept coming back a miss. Finally, he stood up, stuck his finger in the end of the barrel and pulled the trigger. This of course had the effect of blowing his digit clean off.


Grimacing through his pain, the Microsoft software engineer yelled down to the target pit “Well, it’s leaving this end just fine, the problem must be on your end!”
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A ragged individual stranded for several months on a small desert island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean one day noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it. Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands withdrew the message.

"Due to lack of maintenance," he read, "we regretfully have found it necessary to cancel your e-mail account."
jokebuddha.com
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Volvo has unveiled an auto designed by seniors for seniors called the YCC, 'Your Concept Car.' Among its cutting-edge senior driver's features:

Turn signals that are able to change their mind at the last minute & will automatically shut off after 5 miles.
An OnStar satellite tracking system that can locate, on command, all public restrooms within 500 miles.
Permanent press fenders.
A dashboard voice console that's programmed to ask strangers for directions.
Side mirrors that make the driver appear younger than he/she actually is.
ArcaMax, altered by me


Here are the lyrics (sung to Gilligan's Island):

Just sit right back, and you'll hear a tale about my virtual trip.
It started from my IBM,
With a simple little click.

I tried to surf the Internet, things did not go well.
I wound up in a Chat Room with the cyber-geeks from Hell.
(He's trapped in cyber-Hell)
They won't shut up, I can't escape this AOL nightmare.
If I signed on to Prodigy,
I bet they'd find me there.
Those geeks are everywhere.

I'm stuck inside the World Wide Web with weirdos I just don't know.
I hit F1,
Unplugged the phone,
I can't click out, I can't click in.
It says, "In Chat"
Oh, my God,
I'm trapped on the Internet!
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I'm sure everything people say in chat rooms is true:









Maybe one of these inventions I saw online appeals to you:
A toothpaste tube you can squeeze from either end:

A bench that stays dry: 


A Baggie with fake mold so nobody steals your lunch: 

Butter that really spreads easily:

A see through toaster so you can stop it before it burns your toast:


A portable aquarium so you can take your fish for a walk; 


Sweeping slippers to catch those annoying crumbs: 


Training wheels for learning to walk in high heels: 

















I don’t need a vacation--I’m a little off every day----fishducky