Tuesday, July 14, 2015


Not the most logical way to use a nutcracker!!

...ergo, I am nothing!!

Some logical things from off the internet (people thought they were being logical, anyway!!):

Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of estrogen. To prove their theory, they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive...
A businessman sent an overdue bill to a miser client with a note "This bill is one year old."

He got back a note saying "Happy Birthday"!!
"May I go swimming, Mommy?" 

"No, you may not. There are sharks here." 

"But Daddy's swimming."

"He's insured."
An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics. 

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist." 

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute. 

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"
One of our clients brought in his massive Doberman pinscher to be spayed. As a veterinary assistant, I escort the patient into the doctor's office.

Before taking this dog's leash, I glimpsed those large teeth of hers and asked the owner, "Is she friendly?"

"Friendly?" said the man. "Friendly? She's had five litters! How much 'friendlier' than that can she get?"

My wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to do with what happened at night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs. 

She nudged me and whispered, "Wake up, wake up!" 

"What's the matter?" I asked. 

"There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the tuna casserole I made tonight." 

"That'll teach them!" I replied.
The next two are true: 

(I overhear a tourist couple at breakfast one table over.)
Customer: “Every day! This coffee is never hot enough.”
Customer’s husband: “You’re just gonna have to get used to that. In these countries that use the Celsius scale, they boil their water at only 100 degrees.”
(A young woman is ordering her breakfast.)
Me: “Would you like eggs as well?”
Customer: “No thanks, I’m trying to become a vegetarian and eggs come from cows.”
(Please note she had already ordered bacon.)
A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand - to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad." 

The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up. 

"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked. 

"Exactly," replied the instructor. 

He turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."
A husband and wife were debating on buying a new car. She wanted a fast sports car. He wanted a pickup. As time passed on, her birthday came up and she thought it a great time to fulfill her wish. 

She told her husband, "Look, I want something that can go from 0 to 200. Furthermore, I want it to be able to do it in just a few seconds!" 

The husband bought her a bathroom scale. 

(The funeral is at 3:00pm Wednesday)

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?" "Sand," answered Juan. 

The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. He releases Juan and lets him cross the border. 

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What's in the bags?" "Sand," says Juan. 

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle. 

This sequence of events is repeated every week for three years. 

Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard sees him in a cantina in Mexico. "Hey Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about...Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?" Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

Two policemen call the station on their radio. 

"Hello. ..... Is this the Sarge?" 


"We have a case here, Sarge. A woman has shot her husband dead for stepping on the floor she had mopped." 

"Have you arrested the woman?" 

"No sir. The floor is still wet."

The teacher pulled me aside. Whispering, she advised, "You might want to explain a little bit more to your daughter what you do for a living." (I work as a training consultant and often conduct my seminars in motel conference rooms.) 

When I asked why, the teacher explained, "Your daughter told the class she wasn't sure what you did, but said you got dressed real pretty and went to work at motels."
After a long day of being called upon to visit an endless series of horses and cows with sore legs, I finally returned to the animal clinic.

Although exhausted, when I discovered I had a slow leak in one of my truck tires, I drove over to get it fixed at the service station.

The mechanic knew immediately he was dealing with a tired veterinarian after I carefully explained to him that my truck seemed to be lame in the right hind tire.

A man and a woman get in a terrible car wreck. Both of their vehicles were completely destroyed, but fortunately, no one was hurt. Thankful, the woman says to the man in a flirting tone, "We're both okay, we should celebrate." 

So the woman gets a bottle of wine out of the trunk of the smashed car, and hands it to the man with a smile. The man almost forgetting about the accident takes a really big drink, and hands the bottle to the woman. The woman closes the bottle and put it away. 

The man asks, "Aren't you going to take a drink?" And the woman replies, "No, I'll celebrate after the cops leave."

Two guys were sitting in a double-hole outhouse doing their business, when #1 gets through and pulling up his pants, a quarter falls out of his pocket and falls into the depths of the hole. As they both peer down the hole, #1 pulls out his wallet and throws a $20 bill into the hole. "What did you do that for?" inquires #2.

#1 replies "You don't think I'm going to climb down there for a lousy quarter, do you?"
Before heading out on a family hike, we stood at the trailhead reviewing map pinned to a bulletin board. A red arrow on the map that said "You are here" caught my six year old's attention. Pointing to it he asked. "How do they know that?"
At breakfast, the husband says to his wife, "What would you do if I won the Lotto."

"I'd take my half and leave you" she says.

Great he says.  "Here's $6.  I won $12 yesterday!  Stay in touch."

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"  "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man." 


A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted".  Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." 
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job. 

"Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?" 

"Well...as a matter if fact, Yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."


When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.


A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"  His father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."


Young son: "Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"  Dad: "That happens in every country, son."


Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.


Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a big gut, and still think they are attractive to the opposite sex. 
Susan of I Think, Therefore I Yam sent me this:

Four guys have been going to the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Jack's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find Jack sitting at the bar with four drinks set up!

"Wow, Jack, how long you been here, and how did you talk your misses into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. A couple of nights ago, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie. She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well she's been reading ‘50 Shades of Grey’......On the bed she had handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did. And then she said, 'Do whatever you want.' So here I am!"

Why Cooper has to wait for his ice cream:
Click here.

Today is National Nude Day'
but don't feel obligated!!

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket----fishducky