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Friday, July 31, 2015

SMARTASS COMMENTS I'VE MADE, HEARD OR SEEN




Some of these are new & some I posted earlier.  What's the difference--you probably won't remember the old ones, anyway!!

When my son-in-law first moved to the United States he spoke no English.  It was imperative that he learn some important words & phrases quickly.  These, of course, included “please” & “thank you” & “where’s the bathroom?”  He feels that the most important phrase he learned was, “It’s not my fault.  It’s Nameless’ fault!!”
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Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.  The last question was, “Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.”  One student was hard put to think of seven advantages.  However, he started off with:

 1) It is the perfect formula for the child.
 2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
 3) It is always the right temperature.
 4) It is inexpensive.
 5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
 6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

 7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get at it.

He got an A.

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Sometime around 1970, Bud & I were driving down Pacific Coast Highway.  We passed a very expensive, very exclusive restaurant &, on a whim, decided to have a late lunch there.  The tuxedoed maĆ®tre d’ greeted us & asked if we had a reservation.  We told him we didn’t & he said he’d see what he could do.  He turned & studied the nearly empty dining area for several moments.  He then turned back to us & asked, with a straight face, “Would you prefer a round table or a square one?”
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Do you ever get tired of telemarketers calling & yet you’re too polite to just hang up?  Me, too.  I think I got even some time ago when I was very busy & someone called me with an offer for pre-need funerals.  “I told him, “I’m so sorry—I wish you had called last week.  I died yesterday!!”
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When Matt was about 8, a friend of ours had to have part of his colon removed.  Matt (our comedian in training) asked if that meant he would be left with a semicolon.
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I was Christmas shopping one year & found the perfect T-shirt for Blake.  It had a picture of a TV remote control on the front & said, “It’s a man thing!”  I told the saleswoman I’d like one in an extra-large.   She didn’t have any under the counter so she called across the busy store to a stock boy, “I need a ‘man thing’ in an extra-large!!”  The woman behind me in line said, “Don’t we all?”  Cracked up the whole store!!
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Blake was 52 this year.  I am 36.  The best way to explain this anomaly is to tell you about something that I read in one of Kirk Douglas’ books.  A “senior” movie actress was being interviewed.  The reporter said, “Forgive me, Madame, but I have to ask.  Your son (who was also a star) admits to being 56.  You claim to be 63.  How can this be?”  Her answer (& mine): “He has his life—I have mine!”
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In the olden days, when parents felt safe in letting their very young children walk to school & back alone, my parents were babysitting our 7 or 8 year old daughter while we were on a trip.  They became quite worried when one day she was over a half hour late in getting home from school.  When she finally got home, they asked her why she was so late.  Our daughter, who wishes to be nameless, always had a very logical brain.  She told them she had taken a “long” cut.
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No subject was ever off limits at our dinner table.  Once Nameless asked what a homosexual was.  We weren’t sure how to explain this to an 8 year old.  We told her that while most men love women, there were some men who loved other men.  We said this was the way God made them & it was fine.  We asked her if she understood & she said, “Yeah, you mean like a lesbian, only a man!!”
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My granddaughter, Nameless III, looked exactly like me when we were both babies was absolutely beautiful when she was little--& she still is!  One night, her father was in the kitchen visiting with me while I was cooking dinner.  (I TOLD you I used to cook dinner!)  He said that he knew all parents thought their children were beautiful, but that Nameless III was special.  He said he knew Nameless II, his 3 year old, was beautiful, but 1 year old Nameless III was even more so.  He asked me my opinion.  I told him I agreed with him, but as her grandmother, it was possible I was just a little bit prejudiced.  He said, “No, I’m right, & I’m not the only one who thinks so.  MY MOTHER thinks so, too!”


This is 1 year old Nameless III:

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When our sons were in the Cub Scouts, Bud was the troop leader & I was the head den mother.  We were talking to some of the other parents about our upcoming trip (our first) to Paris.  We said we were booked into a hotel room that was at one time occupied by Mistinguett, who had been a famous actress, singer & courtesan (hooker? mistress?) & that the furniture was mirrored & that there was a fur bedspread.  Bud & I were on the bed, doing what married couples do on a bed besides sleeping, when I told him to move his hand.  He asked why & I told him “I can’t see!!” 

One of the fathers, Abe, was a furrier.  He asked for a nude photo on that bedspread.  We told him OK.  When we returned, we hosted a dinner for all the adult leaders & their spouses.  After dinner we told them that since we had a captive audience, we knew they’d love to see slides of our trip.   We showed them a few pictures of the Eiffel Tower, the Champs d’Elysee, etc. & then this one, below.  I don’t think it was exactly what Abe expected, but IT GOT A STANDING OVATION!!

You might enjoy these from ArcaMax:

"Close the curtains," requested our 2 year old granddaughter, sitting in a pool of bright light. "The sun's looking at me too hard." 

My friend asked our grandson when he would turn 6. He replied, "When I'm tired of being 5." 

Seeing her first hailstorm, Mary Sue, age 3, exclaimed, "Mommy, it's raining dumplings!" 



As I frantically waved away a pesky fly with a white dishtowel, my granddaughter observed, "Maybe he thinks you're surrendering." 



Announcing to daughter Lori that her aunt just had a baby and it looked like her uncle, she said, "You mean he has a mustache?" 


When I asked our grandson if he could name the capital of Florida, he fired right back, "capital F!"

While shampooing our son, 4, I noted his hair was growing so fast he'd soon need it cut. He replied, "Maybe we shouldn't water it so much." 

My daughter told her 5-year-old that their van was going to be fixed. Instantly, the small fry assumed, "Oh, it's going to the tire-o-practor?" 

Impressed by her 5-year-old's vocabulary, my friend complimented the young scholar, who nonchalantly responded, “I have words in my head I haven't even used yet." 
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Our supervisor recently made a casual comment about an employee’s shaggy mane of hair. He then went on to extol the virtues of a good haircut, which, he insisted, makes an elderly man look younger and a younger man seem more mature. 

"How would a haircut make a middle-aged man like me appear?" the employee asked. 

"Still employed," he answered. 














I just got lost in thought--it was unfamiliar territory----fishducky