Hello, my name is
Quinn, and I'm a nine months old genius. This is powerful advice for all you babies out
there. Parents, please leave now, or you will be punished. Okay, now that the
minions are gone, let's get down to business.
Do you feel like you have no control over your life? Do your mommy and daddy
make you do and wear things you absolutely hate? Are you at the bottom of your
family's power structure? I'm here to tell you that all this can be a thing of
the past. By following my ten simple rules, you'll be wearing the diaper and
the pants in the family in no time!
Rule #1
You have absolute power.
Repeat this to yourself on a daily basis. You are the ruler of your universe.
Your parents are there to serve you, not the other way around. You have
unlimited power over them.
Rule #2
Cry.
Tears are your biggest asset in your arsenal against your parents. If you don't
like something, cry! Parents have absolutely no defense against this wet
onslaught. They will do anything to get you to stop. This is especially useful
in public places. For maximum effectiveness, increase volume every fifteen
seconds.
Rule #3
Be cute.
This is your number one defense mechanism. You're going to pull a lot of crap
most people would never get away with, and your cute factor is the only thing
allowing this. Flash a smile, and your parents will go weak in the knees with
gushing admiration of your blessed existence, even after you've just broken
half the stuff in the house.
Rule #4
Keep them weak.
I don't care if you have to set an alarm clock for yourself, but you need to
wake your parents up at least three times a night. A rested parent is a strong
parent, and that means bad news for you. The more weary they are, the more
malleable to your intricate plans of global domination.
Rule #5
Pee on them.
Once out of every ten diaper changes, you should let loose your golden stream
of glory. This shows them who's boss, and keeps them on their toes. If you can,
aim for the face for maximum effectiveness. At the very least, you should be
able to cover yourself as well as a portion of your parent's clothes. This
works well for those situations where they've put you in an embarrassing
outfit, or they're in a hurry to get somewhere
Rule #6
Make them carry you.
Do not let them put you down! This is very important. The moment they realize
you can get around by yourself, they will no longer want to carry you. If you are
put on the ground, see rule #2. Your parents are strong, and there's two of
them. They can carry you forever.
Rule #7
Smack them around a little.
Parents are under the false impression that we have very little control over
our arms and legs. Use this to your advantage! Every now and then, just
randomly slap them in the face, and then smile and laugh. They may curse a
little, but I guarantee no harm will come to you. They are powerless against
the smile and laugh combination.
Rule #8
Women and grandparents love babies.
Capturing this key demographic can bring you joys beyond your wildest
expectations. Toys, food, and attention can all be yours when you manipulate
this segment of the population. Grampa will even let you watch the Playboy channel if nobody else is around!!
Rule #9
Siblings exist for your amusement.
Your brothers and sisters are the court jesters in your vast kingdom. They are
there for your personal entertainment, and nothing more. Laugh at their crazy
antics, but the moment they get out of line with that "the baby gets all
the attention" crap, pull their hair. One word of warning though. Make
sure a parent is nearby when you do this, as siblings are immune to your cute
defense mechanisms. Be sure to cry, so your parent is alerted to your mortal
danger.
Rule #10
No private time.
This is perhaps the most important rule of them all. Do not let your parents
have private time! If you hear these evil words uttered, alarms should go off
in your head. Nothing good can come from private time. At the very least,
private time rejuvenates them, making them more resistant to your powers. And
in the worst possible scenario, private time could lead to a new baby replacing
you as the ruler of the house! This event needs to be stopped at all
costs!!
That's it, troops. Follow these simple rules and you should have a long and
fruitful reign as ruler of your household.
You have the power!!
It was a whole lot easier to get older than wiser----Carol Wyer (& fishducky)
