Tuesday, August 4, 2015


This was sent to me by my cousin Sid, a real mensch.  That translates, literally, to “person” but it is used to describe someone who is warm, friendly & really cares for his fellow man.  Thank you, Sid!!

Remember the old-time Jewish comedians of Vaudeville days--Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, Alan King, the Marx Brothers and others? You may have only heard of them, but don't we all miss their kind of humor?  Not a single swear word in their comic routines like today…………..

* A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?” The man says, "I make a good living."

* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport. 

* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me! 

* Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife does. 

* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. 

* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed.  My wife called it the Dead Sea. 

* My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night. This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried. 

* My wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.  She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.   Then the mud fell off.

* The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months. 

* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen replied, "So did my arthritis!"

* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!"  Patient: "I AM 60!"  Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?" 

* A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears".  Doctor: "Don't answer!"

* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking.  "The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."

*Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

*The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much.  The study revealed that the reason for this is because Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.

*There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from either law or medical school.

*Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
 A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

*Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
 A: It's called, "Debbie Does Dishes."

*Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
 A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.

*A man called his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"  Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak.” The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days.  "The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days? “The mother answered, "Because, I didn't want my mouth to be full in case you should call." 

*A Jewish man said that when he was growing up, they always had two choices for dinner; take it or leave it.

*A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband.” The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part." 

*Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
 A: Under the vacuum cleaner.

*Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
 A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark.  I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."

*Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.

*A Jewish mother gives her son a blue shirt and a brown shirt for his birthday. On the next visit, he wears the brown one.  The mother says, "What's the matter already? Didn't you like the blue one?" 

*Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady I haven't eaten in three days."  "Force yourself," she replied.

*Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
 A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

*Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?

 A: Because Jewish women don’t like anything that’s not 20% off. 

And my favorite:

*Q: Why do Jewish men die before their wives?
A: Because they want to!!

Which brings us to Alan King:
Click here.

Alan King tells one of my favorite stories, about when he was a patient in a hospital during an extended stay.  He had one of those "How are we today?" nurses.  He hated apple juice.  Every day he would check grapefruit juice, orange juice or pineapple juice to be served the next morning.  Every day he would get apple juice, regardless, brought in on a tray with an empty specimen bottle to check his urine.  One day he poured the apple juice into the specimen bottle.  The nurse came back in, held it up to the light & said, "We're a little cloudy today, aren't we?"  King said he grabbed the bottle, said "You're right--we'd better run it through again" & drank it down!!  I don't know if he ever got grapefruit juice, but he did get a new nurse. 

I love this joke:

A man questions if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. He goes to a priest for his opinion on this question. The priest says after consulting the Bible, "My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted on the Sabbath." The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?"

He goes to a minister... a married man, experienced… for the answer. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and not for the Sabbath!

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority -- a man of thousands of year's tradition and knowledge: a rabbi. The rabbi ponders the question and states, "My son, sex is definitely play."

The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"

The rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work...my wife would have the maid do it."

A Jewish/Catholic joke from Joe Hagy:

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy. One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David.  Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.

The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the
beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David.

Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand?

This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross.  In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite."

The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said, "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"

You might enjoy this.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out----fishducky