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Thursday, August 13, 2015

NEED A JOB? CALL 1-800 WE HIRE U






(1/3 reworked post from 2012, 2/3 new = 1 long post.)

This reportedly is an actual job application a 17-year-old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida...and they hired him because he was so honest and funny! 


NAME: Greg B. (Name withheld to protect the guilty) 

SEX: Not yet. 

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place. 

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle. 

EDUCATION: Yes. 

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility. 

SALARY: Less than I'm worth. 

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. 

REASON FOR LEAVING: I hated it. 



HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. 



PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. 



MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here? 



DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what? 



DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?" 



HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes. 



DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes. 



WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now. 


DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely. 

SIGN HERE: Aries.

Arcamax
____________________
Dog needs new job:

My sister-in-law, a truck driver, had decided to get a dog for protection. As she inspected a likely candidate, the trainer told her, "He doesn't like men." 

"Perfect," my sister-in-law thought and took the dog. 

Then one day she was approached by two men in a parking lot, and she watched to see how her canine bodyguard would react. Soon it became clear the trainer wasn't kidding. As the men got closer, the dog ran under the nearest car.

____________________
Writer gets ideal job:


Once upon a time there was a young man who wanted to become a great writer. "I want to write things the whole world will read," he declared. 


"Stuff that will elicit strong emotions from people in every walk of life. I want my writing to make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger." 

He now lives happily ever after in Redmond, Wash., writing error messages for Microsoft.

____________________
Here's a story about a woman who desperately needs a job--& a business manager:

An elderly couple were discussing the dire strait of their financial situation.  
Him: "You're gonna have to get a job!"
Her:  "I should get a job?  What could I do?"
Him:  "You could be a whore."
Her:  "I could be a whore?"
Him:  "You could try."
Her:  "I'll try."
The next evening she comes home, totally exhausted & looking like something the cat dragged in.
Him:  'So, how'd you do?"
Her:  "Okay--I made $13.10."
Him:  "$13.10!  Who gave you the 10 cents?"
Her:  "EVERYBODY gave me 10 cents!!"
____________________
Did you ever wonder what some famous people would have said if they were being interviewed for a job?  You didn't?  Well, I did!!  Here's what I think they might have said:

Julius Caesar: "My last job involved a lot of office politics and back stabbing. I'd like to get away from all that."

Jesse James:" I can list among my experiences and skills: leadership, extensive travel, logistical organization, intimate understanding of firearms, and a knowledge of security measures at numerous banks."

Marie Antoinette: "I admit my management style has been criticized, but I like to think of myself as a people person."

The Wizard of Oz: "Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.  I can handle this interview all by myself." 

Mario Andretti: "About that company car you're offering--does it matter if I can only turn left?"

Pandora: "I can bring a lot to your company. I like discovering new things."

Genghis Khan: "My primary talent is downsizing. On my last job I downsized the population of several countries."

Lady Godiva: "What do you mean, this isn't business casual?"

Franklin Delano Roosevelt: "Don't worry about me quitting after a few months.  I always keep a job as long as I possibly can." 

Sally Field: "You want me!  You really want me!!"

Adolph Hitler: "I don’t mind working my up through the ranks.  I will OWN this company one day!"

Queen Elizabeth ll: "Is this an animal friendly office?  I have a couple of corgis…"

Albert Schweitzer: "I hope there’s not a lot of math involved.  I'm really tired of math."

Henry David Thoreau: "Would it be okay to work from home?  The reason I ask is there’s a really nice pond near where I live…"

Sir Isaac Newton:  "This bump?  It’s nothing.  For some strange reason, apples seem to keep falling on my head."

Dr. Henry Heimlich: "Is there something stuck in your throat?  Here, let me help you…"

Yogi Bear:  "Do you mind if we have lunch while we talk?  I brought a picnic basket with me."

Marcel Marceau: “--------"

Designer of the Titanic:  "What could possibly go wrong if you hired me?"

Dr. Seuss: "I want to work, I’m not a jerk.  Give me lots of money & I’m sure I could be funny."

Francis Scott Key:  "I just thought of a little jingle that your company might use.  Let me sing it for you."

Leonardo Da Vinci: "What do you mean you don't understand what I said--do I have to draw you a picture?"

Hugh Hefner: "Your receptionist is really hot.  Do you think she’d mind if I took her picture?"

Samson:  "OK, I’ll wear a net or put it in a ponytail, but there’s no way I’m getting my hair cut for this job!"

Elvis Presley: "My last boss and I...say, are you going to eat those fries?"

____________________
ACTUAL LINES FROM RESUMES:


I am very detail-oreinted.

My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.

Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!

Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume.

It's best for employers that I not work with people.

Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.

I am a quick leaner, dependable, and motivated.

If this resume doesn't blow your hat off, then please return it in the enclosed envelope.

My fortune cookie said, "Your next interview will result in a job." And I like your company in particular.

You hold in your hands the resume of a truly outstanding candidate!

I saw your ad on the information highway, and I came to a screeching halt.

Please disregard the attached resume -- it is terribly out of date.

Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable.

Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word paranoia. I prefer to elaborate privately.

Previous experience: Self-employed--a fiasco.

Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business.

My experience in horticulture is well-rooted.

Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years.

I am a rabid typist.

Education: College, August 1880 - May 1984.

I have a bachelorette degree in computers.

Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math.

Graduated in the top 66% of my class.

Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school.

Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.

Special skills: Experienced with numerous office machines and can make great lattes.

I worked as a Corporate Lesion.

Special Skills: Speak English.

Served as assistant sore manager.

Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job.

Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel.

Education: B.A. in Loberal Arts.

Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis. 

ArcaMax
____________________
The employer asked the applicant, "I see you were last employed by a psychiatrist. Why did you leave?" 

"Well," she replied, "I just couldn't win. 

"If I was late to work, I was hostile. 

"If I was early, I had an anxiety complex. If I was on time, I was compulsive."

____________________
At long last the good-humored boss was compelled to call Fisk into his office. "It has not escaped my attention," he pointed out, "that every time there's a home game at the stadium you have to take your aunt to the doctor." 

"You know you're right, sir," exclaimed Fisk. "I didn't realize it. You don't suppose she's faking it, do you?"
___________________
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself. 

"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me." 

"Excuse me?" the accountant said. 

"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back." 

"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?" 

"I'll start you at eighty thousand." 

"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?" 

"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."



Some people even I wouldn't hire:
The idiot who put this notice up:

Her:

Or this racist at Starbucks:

______________________________________________


Some notes for Shane:













To see some other people who will be needing my services soon,


Could you be a professional dog walker like her?
Click here.





























Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be notified in case of an emergency?' I think you should write, "A good doctor!!"----fishducky