TIME FLIES!!
A
lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the
door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the
lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. “Officer,
look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!”, he whined.
“You
lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!” retorted the officer,
“You’re so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn’t even notice that your
left arm was ripped off!!”
“Oh my
gaaad….”, replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where
his arm once was, “Where’s my Rolex???!!”
____________________
Proudly
showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night the
drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong. “What’s that
big brass gong for?” one of the guests asked. “It’s not a gong. It’s a talking
clock” the drunk replied. “A talking clock? Seriously?” asked his astonished
friend.
“Yup”
replied the drunk. “How’s it work?” the second guest asked, squinting at it.
“Watch” the man said. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear shattering pound
and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed “You friggin’
IDIOT!…it’s ten past three in the morning!”
_____________________
A man
is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important
meeting.
Unfortunately,
his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he
notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.
Calling
out to the patient, the man says, “Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?”
The
patient calls back, “One moment!” and throws himself upon the ground, pulling
out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling
out a carpenter’s level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.
With a
compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise
length of the shadow cast by the stick.
Withdrawing
a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly
packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, “It is now
precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is.”
The man
can’t help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch
accordingly.
Before
he leaves, he says to the patient, “That was really quite remarkable, but tell
me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no
shadow?” The patient holds up his wrist and says, “I suppose I’d just look at
my watch.”
____________________
A man
had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination.
He decided to stop at the next city he came to and park somewhere quiet so he
could get an hour or two of sleep.
As luck
would have it, the quiet street he chose happened to be one of the city’s most
popular jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came
a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.
“Yes?”
“Excuse
me, sir,” the jogger said, “do you have the time?” The man looked at the car
clock and answered, “7:15.”
The
jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing
off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger.
“Excuse
me, sir, do you have the time?”
“7:25!!”
The
jogger said thanks and left.
Now the
man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time
before another one disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and
paper and put a sign in his window saying, “I do not know the time!!”
Once
again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another
knock on the window.
“Sir,
sir? It’s 7:45!!"
____________________
A psychiatrist asks a
colleague: “What time is it?”
The other one answers:
“Sorry, don’t know, I have no watch.”
The first one: “Never
mind! The main thing is that we talked about it.”
___________________
BLONDE: “Excuse me,
what time is it right now?”
WOMAN: “It’s 11:25PM.”
BLONDE: (confused look
on face) “You know, it’s the weirdest thing, I’ve asked that question thirty
times today, and every time someone gives me a different answer.”
____________________
At 4 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunken
guy asking what time the bar opens. "It opens at noon," answers the
clerk. About an hour, later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even
drunker. "What time does the bar open?" he asks. "Same time as
before - noon," replies the clerk. Another hour passes and he calls again,
plastered. "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?" The clerk then answers,
"It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something
up to you." "No you don't understannnnnd... I don't wanna get in, ah
wanna get OUT!"
____________________
Yogi Berra was once asked the time. He said, "You mean now?"
A special clock for you:
(Click on the clock to go from analog to digital.)
And/or this:
If your spouse says you
never find the time to talk to them anymore, you can always buy another
computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can
chat----fishducky
