(Originally published June, 2012)
All right, children—settle down. We’re going to have a test. Please line up in alphabetical order, according to height, oldest first. Make sure your crayons are sharpened. Do not look at your neighbor’s paper. He probably doesn’t know the answers, either. Ready? Begin.
1. I thought it was funny when someone pasted a full-sized picture of Phyllis Diller’s face on my mirror. Who put up the picture?
a. My husband
b. One of my kids
c. Nobody--that was really my reflection
2. What is the greatest achievement of the human race?
b. Space flight
c. TV remote control
3. Who actually combined a sign advertising fruit & a sign at a gas station together in her mind & read them as “nectarine on duty”?
a. Nobody in their right mind
c. Both of the above
4. What picture do you get when you play “connect the dots” with the spots on my face?
a. The skyline of Manhattan
b. Three elephants & an aardvark
c. I don’t know, but the idea frightens me
5. Dinner is normally ready to be served when?
a. Around 6:00 pm
b. After you place your order at the restaurant
c. The smoke alarm goes off
6. What do you call those shoes the podiatrist makes me wear after I break a toe?
a. Orthopedic sandals
b. Even uglier than O. J. Simpson’s “Manolo Blahnik’s”
c. Toe boats
7. This actually happened when a prospective flight attendant was being interviewed. She was asked what she would do if she were flying at 30,000 feet & a cabin door suddenly blew off. What was her answer? (Hint--she got the job.)
a. I would remain calm & assess the situation
b. I would make sure everyone had their seat belts on
c. I would s**t!!!
8. What does the expression “There’s a light at the end of the tunnel” mean?
a. A bad situation will eventually end
b. Things will work themselves out
c. Get off the tracks, you idiot--a train’s heading right towards you!!
9. There is a “Twilight Zone” episode in which a harried New Yorker boards a commuter train, falls asleep & wakes up in the 1800’s as they make a stop at a town called Willoughby, where everything is peaceful. He “passes through” there every evening on his way home, enjoying the idyllic scene through the window. One evening he decides to get off the train there & dies of a heart attack. His body is taken to the Willoughby Funeral Home. There is a street named Willoughby a few miles from our home. When we pass it, my husband tells me, “Willoughby, your stop.” I don’t have any reason to get out there. What is he trying to tell me?
a. Here we are, dear--I love you
b. I only live to serve you
c. Get out--the free ride is over
10. What is a quincunx?
a. A dessert made from quinces
b. Quintuplet sisters gone bad
11. I was shopping recently & asked for a senior discount. What did they accept as proof of my age?
a. My AARP card
b. My driver’s license
c. My face
12. I purchased a box of Animal Crackers. There was a warning: If seal is broken, do not eat. What did this mean?
a. They are trying to guarantee cleanliness
b. Some crackers may break during shipping
c. It’s OK to eat the other animals
BONUS QUESTION: What is a persecution complex?
a. A belief that everybody hates you
b. A belief that people pick on you for no reason
c. I don’t know!! Why am I the ONLY one who has to answer this question? Why can’t you just leave me alone????