(Reworked from a March, 2013 post--with all new cartoons!!)
I've been thinking (stop laughing & snorting--it COULD happen!) about life & I think I understand it now. For instance, do you know the answer to the question, "What is the meaning of life?" I DO!! *The answer is at the end of this post.
I have learned many things in my 80+ years on this planet. For instance:
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them & hope they panic & give in.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.
I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a lot of money or huge boobs.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others--they are more messed up than you think.
I've learned that you can keep throwing up long after you think you're finished.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
I've learned that regardless of how hot & steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, & there had better be a lot of money to take its place.
I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do.
I've learned that we don't have to ditch weird friends because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.
I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested & end up in the local paper.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon & all the less important ones just never go away.
I’ve learned that nobody is perfect. I am a nobody. Therefore, I am perfect.
And most importantly:
I've learned to say "Screw them if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages!
There are only 2 simple, basic truths in life. They are:
SIMPLE TRUTH 1. Partners help each other undress before sex. However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.
SIMPLE TRUTH 2. When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say "Congrats", but none of them come and touch the man's penis and say "Good job".
Moral of the story: Hard work is never appreciated.
Sorry, gentlemen, but there are some things in life only women understand. They are:
10. Why it's necessary to have five pairs of black shoes.
9. The difference between cream, ivory & off-white.
8. Crying can be fun.
7. Fat clothes.
6. A salad, diet drink & a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.
5. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a peak life experience.
4. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
3. A good man may be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible.
2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts less than ten minutes.
1. Other women!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FOUR RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:
1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Rolls Royce than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the schmuck's name.
3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
It used to be that the only two things in life that were certain were death & taxes. Now there's shipping & handling, too!!----fishducky
*The answer to the question about the meaning of life according to the URBAN DICTIONARY: 42
42--The Almighty Answer to the Meaning of Life, the Universe, and Everything. It was calculated by the computer Deep Thought for seven million years and when asked to build a better computer to discover the Question to the Life, the Universe, and Everything, it built the Earth. Before the Earth could tell the Question however, it was destroyed by the Vogons to make room for an interstellar highway bypass. For more information, see The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.