Wednesday, September 16, 2015


For those of you who care, Thursday night football starts tomorrow!!

Some jokes:

The Coach of the Detroit Lions had put together the perfect football team. But then his quarterback got blindsided and was out for the season with a knee injury.
Then his backup went down with a concussion. He tried the trading route, free agents, but nobody any good was available.
One evening while watching the news from Iraq, he saw a young Iraqi soldier with an amazing arm. The soldier rifled a grenade on a perfect arc into a 4th story window from 100 yards, bam!
He tossed another directly into a tight group of 12 enemy fighters 80 yards away, ka-bam! Then a Humvee passed, going 60 kph, boom! Another perfect shot!
Coach said to himself, "I got to have this guy. He's got the best arm I've ever seen!"
He tracks him down and convinces him to come to Detroit. The kid takes coaching perfectly, makes all the plays, and long story short, the Lions win the Super Bowl.
The Iraqi is now the Conquering Hero in pro football, and a huge story. But when the broadcast team tries to interview him, all he wants is to phone his mom.
"Mother," he yells over the phone, "We just won the Super Bowl!"
"Don't talk to me," the woman says. "You abandoned us. You can't be my son."
The young Iraqi begs, "Mom, you don't understand! Our team won the biggest game here in the U.S. Thousands of fans are screaming for me. The U.S. President is going to call me!"
"I don't care," his mother snaps. "Right now I can hear gunshots everywhere. Our block is like a ruin. Your brothers were beaten half to death last night, and your sister was nearly raped."
Then she says, "I can never forgive you for making us move to Detroit."
It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge. The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls, and they were now trailing the visitors by a touch-down and a field goal. When the official called yet another close one in the visitors' favor, the home quarterback blew his top.

"How many times can you do this to us in a single game?" he screamed. "You were wrong on the out-of-bounds, you were wrong on that last first down, and you missed an illegal tackle in the first quarter."

The official just stared.

The quarterback seethed, but he suppressed the language that might get him tossed from the game. "What it comes down to," he bellowed, "is that you STINK!"

The official stared a few more seconds. Then he bent down, picked up the ball, paced off 15 yards, and put the ball down. He turned to face the steaming quarterback.

The official finally replied, "And how do I smell from here?"

A local football star is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire. A woman is standing three floors up on a ledge holding her pet cat in her arms.

“Hey, lady,” he yells, “Throw me the cat.”
“No,” she cries, “It's too far.”
“I play football, I can catch him!”
The smoke is pouring from the windows & finally the woman kisses her cat goodbye & then tosses him down onto the street. The football player keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward him. The cat bounces off an awning and football player runs into the street and catches the cat. He jumps six feet into the air and makes a spectacular one handed catch. The crowd that has gathered to watch the fire breaks into cheers. He does a little dance, lifts the cat above his head, wiggles his knees back and forth, then ‘spikes' the cat into the pavement.

Some shorter jokes:

How do you know if a Georgia football player has a girlfriend?You see tobacco juice on both sides of his F-150.
How many Alabama freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?
None. That's a sophomore course.
What do you have when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders together?
A full set of teeth.

How do you get an Auburn cheerleader into your dorm room?
Grease her hips and push.

How do you get a Texas A&M player off your front steps?
Pay him for the pizza.

Why is the Kansas football team like a possum?
Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

What are the three longest years of a Mizzou football player's life?
His freshman year.

Why did Tennessee choose orange as their team color?
You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week.

Some quotes:

He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words.- Urban Meyer, on one of his players
Motivation is simple. You eliminate those who are not motivated.- Lou Holtz

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.- Vince Lombardi
Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women, it is simply a good excuse not to play football.- Fran Lebowitz

A funny routine from 1987:

And, of course, some cartoons:

Two of my all-time favorite movies are about football: 
Brian's Song (1971) & The Longest Yard (1974)--NOT the Adam Sandler remake!!

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead----Erma Bombeck (& fishducky)