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Monday, October 19, 2015

BIBLE LESSONS, PART 1—ADAM & EVE & CAIN & ABEL (NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH THE 1969 ROBERT CULP/NATALIE WOOD MOVIE “BOB & CAROL & TED & ALICE”)









God was playing in the dust (which, incidentally, supports the theory that God is male) & rolled some in his hands.  He played around with it until it began to take the shape of a man & breathed life into him.  God then gave the man, whom he named Adam, the job of naming all the animals on Earth.  Adam looked at the giraffe & said, "Joe".  The hippo looked like a "Fred" to him & the ostrich a "Martha".  God told him, "Never mind.  I'll do it myself." He thought Adam might be lonely with only animals for company. Although God was not a licensed surgeon he put Adam under anesthesia & removed a rib, figuring he had plenty of others to spare.  (This is where the term “spare ribs” comes from.  Barbecue sauce was not invented until much later.)  He molded the rib into a woman, named her Eve & woke Adam.

Adam took one look at Eve & asked God, “What is that?”  God said, “This is your counterpart--your companion.  She is just like you.”  Adam said, “No, she’s not.  Look at her chest; it’s all loose & bouncy & she doesn’t even have a thingie down here, just a hole!!” God told him that He had only enough dust to make either a thingie or a brain & He’d decided (after His first attempt) that a brain would be the better choice.  He asked Adam if he wanted her or not & Adam reluctantly agreed to keep her for a trial period.

God told them that they could eat all the fruit & vegetables they wanted from the Garden of Eden except the apple from the Tree of Knowledge of Good & Evil.  The devil entered into a serpent & told her to eat one; that she’d get smart.  (Serpents were like an early form of Roach Motels—you could go in but you can’t come out.)  She ate one & gave one to Adam & they realized that they were naked.  Soon God dropped in for a visit & they asked Him to wait while they got dressed.  Since they had no prior knowledge of nakedness, that immediately made Him aware of what they’d done.  He told them that they would be punished for disobeying Him.  He said Adam would have to work for minimum wage until comprehensive laws were passed & that Eve would suffer pain in childbirth—it was gonna hurt!!  Eve asked, “What is childbirth, Lord?”  God told her, “You’ll find out, Missy!!”

One day Adam wondered if his thingie was good for anything besides peeing & what would happen if he put it into Eve’s hole when he noticed it was getting stiffer & growing.  He yelled, “Stand back—I don’t know how big this thing’s gonna get!!”  They soon figured it out & although she did indeed suffer pain during childbirth, it didn’t slow them down.  They had 33 sons & 23 daughters.  (If TV had been invented & there were other people who could be an audience they would probably have had a show called “56 Kids & Counting”.  As a matter of fact, if there had been TV, they probably wouldn't have had so many kids.  There was very little else in the way of entertainment in Eden.)  Having so many children was probably the reason they died early.  I don’t know Eve’s age when she passed away but Adam was only 930 years old.

Like many parents since that time, they had trouble with some of their children.  Their first two sons were Cain & Abel.  Cain was a crop farmer and his younger brother Abel was a shepherd.  They got into an argument & Cain killed his brother, which even then was a no-no.  Cain had an attitude & when God asked him where his brother was he said, “Yo!!  You talkin’ to me?”  He then decided it would be a good idea to leave town; so he did.  He married a woman who was probably his sister magically appeared out of nowhere & they had a son, Enoch.

(To be continued.)
Another version of the Cain & Abel story:















Don't forget to put an offering in the collection plate on your way out----fishducky