(This post contains some new stuff & some old stuff. WARNING: May contain have been written by nuts.)
There were twin brothers who were did everything together. They even went to medical school together. One became a psychiatrist & the other a colorectal surgeon. They opened a practice together & called it "Odds & Ends".
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A psychiatrist & a proctologist are alone on an elevator together. They go down a few floors when the elevator stops, the doors open & another man gets on. The new arrival grabs the psychiatrist, gives him a huge kiss on the lips & then gets off. The proctologist says to the psychiatrist, "I know you're not gay. Why didn't you do something?" The psychiatrist answers, "Why should I? It's his problem!!"
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We have a
friend who was a shrink in Beverly Hills. I guess his wife didn’t take
him too seriously when he bought himself a motorcycle--a big Harley
“hog”. She bought him a black leather jacket & had his name put on
it. Actually, it wasn’t his name, it was the initials “BSBHP”--Big Shot
Beverly Hills Psychiatrist. He liked it so much he got a personalized
license plate for the “hog”.
The rest of today's post deals with the ends.
This is one of
the funniest things I have ever read. If you ever had a colonoscopy
or are planning on one, you can't miss this!!
About the writer:
Dave
Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.
COLONOSCOPY JOURNAL:
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to
make an appointment for a colonoscopy.
A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color
diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at
one point passing briefly through Minneapolis. Then Andy explained
the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient
manner.
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he
said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET
UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a
prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough
to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now
suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of
America's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody
with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery
bowel movement may result.'
This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your
roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too
graphic here, but have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty
much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you
wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined
to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when
you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of
MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the
future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very
nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been
experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking,
'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like
that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic, I had to sign many forms acknowledging that
I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then
they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went
inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those
hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put
it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
Then a
nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I
would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down.
Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered
what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so
you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no
choice but to burn your house.
When
everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was
waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot
tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously
nervous at this point.
Andy had
me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something
up to the needle in my hand.
There was
music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by
ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during
this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
'You want
me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
'Ha ha,'
I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a
decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you,
in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no
idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen,
feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other
room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
Andy was
looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even
more excellent when Andy told me that IT was all over, and that my colon
had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
On the
subject of colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite
humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made
by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their
colonoscopies:
1. 'Take
it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'
2. 'Find
Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can
you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are
we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You
know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any
sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You
put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey!
Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
10. 'Hey
Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You
used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God,
now I know why I am not gay.'
And the
best one of all:
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?’
Praise the colorectal surgeon
Misunderstood and much maligned
Slaving away in the heart of darkness
Working where the sun don’t shine
We praise the colorectal surgeon
Misunderstood and much maligned
Slaving away in the heart of darkness
Working where the sun don’t shine
Respect the colorectal surgeon
It’s a calling few would crave
Lift up your hands and join us
Let’s all do the finger wave
When it comes to spreading joy
There are many techniques
Some spread joy to the world
And others just spread cheeks
Some may think the cardiologist
Is their best friend
But the colorectal surgeon knows…
He’ll get you in the end!
Is their best friend
But the colorectal surgeon knows…
He’ll get you in the end!
Why be a colorectal surgeon?
It’s one of those mysterious things.
Is it because in that profession
There are always openings?
When I first met a colorectal surgeon
He did not quite understand;
I said, “Hey nice to meet you
But do you mind? We don’t shake hands.”
He sailed right through medical school
Because he was a whiz
Oh but he never thought of psychology
Though he read passages.
A doctor he wanted to be
For golf he loved to play,
But this is not quite what he meant…
By eighteen holes a day!
Respect the colorectal surgeon,
Here and now we'll raise a glass
For the rectal surgeon like the rectum
Can tell a liquid from a gas
We praise the colorectal surgeon
Misunderstood and much maligned
Slaving away in the heart of darkness
Working where the sun don’t shine
Yes--this is a real product:
This is just cruel:

Yes--this is a real product:
There weren't very many colorectal surgeon cartoons
so this seemed like a good time to get
these toilet paper cartoons cleaned out of my files.
Before we start, did you know that the first time toilet paper
was sold on a roll was August 26, 1871?
Now National Toilet Paper Day is celebrated
every year on August 26th.
Isn't that exciting?
Toilet paper for me:
This is just cruel:
You might be interested in this:
Here's an image you'll never get out of your mind:
The cost of living doesn't seem to have affected its popularity----fishducky
