Monday, November 30, 2015


Winston Churchill was a master of the "polite insult".  Here are some of his quotes:

George Bernard Shaw once sent Winston Churchill some tickets for the first night of one of his plays.   Churchill then sent Shaw a telegram to the effect: "Cannot come first night.   Will come second night if you have one." Shaw promptly replied: "Here are two tickets for the second night.   Bring a friend if you have one."
“I told a woman she was ugly and she said 'Sir! You are drunk,' to which I replied, 'I am drunk today, madam, and tomorrow I shall be sober but you will still be ugly.'”
“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
An old battleax of a woman said to Winston Churchill, "If you were my husband I would put poison in your tea." Churchill's response, "Ma'am, if you were my wife I would drink it.” 
"Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing ever happened." 
"In those days he was wiser than he is now - he used frequently to take my advice." 
"Don't interrupt me while I'm interrupting."
"He is a sheep in sheep's clothing."
"In the course of my life, I have often had to eat my words, and I must confess that I have always found it a wholesome diet."
A Member of Parliament once asked him, “Must you always fall asleep when I’m speaking?”  His answer, “No, it’s purely voluntary!!”

And some memorable quotes from others:

“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.”--Paul Keating

“He was distinguished for ignorance; for he had only one idea, and that was wrong.”--Benjamin Disraeli

“He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.”--Samuel Foote

“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.”--Forrest Tucker

“She runs the gamut of emotions from A to B.”--Dorothy Parker

“If all the girls attending [the Yale prom] were laid end to end, I wouldn't be at all surprised.”--Dorothy Parker

“That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can't say 'No' in any of them.”--Dorothy Parker

“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination.”--Andrew Lang

“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.”--Stephen Bishop

“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.”--Billy Wilder

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."  "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli,"'whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”

“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book. I'll waste no time reading it.”--Moses Hadas

“I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”--Mark Twain

“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?”--Mark Twain

“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.”--Mae West

“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.”--Oscar Wilde

“He had just about enough intelligence to open his mouth when he wanted to eat, but certainly no more.”--P.G. Wodehouse

“I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.”--Groucho Marx

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”-- Oscar Wilde