I'm posting this, my Christmas post, on December 1st. Most of you will be pretty busy this month & I didn't want you to miss it. I worked too long & hard on it. I hope it gets you into a proper holiday mood!!
I don't even sound good in the shower:
Christmas is such a joyous holiday that it doesn't seem fair that the celebrants be limited to Christians. In my home we always celebrate both Christmas & Hanukkah. Following are some Jewish versions of traditional Christmas songs & most have to do with food. You have to remember that the history of my people & their celebrations can be summed up in three sentences: We were attacked!! We won!! Let’s eat!!
Here are 23 songs--that should get you
through Christmas Eve, if you sing one twice:
GIVE A WHOOP FOR CHICKEN SOUP
(To the tune of SILENT NIGHT)
Give a whoop for chicken soup
Chickens fresh from the coop.
Boil it, no need to be hasty,
With noodles it’ll be tasty,
Add carrots and heavenly peas,
Add carrots and heavenly peas.
If you droop, have chicken soup
It will quickly cure the croup
It'll help if you tend to sicken
Unless you are the chicken
For dessert I’d like a piece of strudel, fa la la la la la la la la!
I’ll buy yours, yes, I am treating, fa la la la la la la la la!
Join me in this glorious eating, fa la la la la la la la la!
BOYS OF THE WORLD
If you droop, have chicken soup
It will quickly cure the croup
It'll help if you tend to sicken
Unless you are the chicken
Add carrots and heavenly peas,
Add carrots and heavenly peas.
HAVE
YOURSELF A PIECE OF PICKLED HERRING
(To the tune of HAVE YOURSELF A MERRY
LITTLE CHRISTMAS)
Have
yourself a piece of pickled herring
Start your dinner right
From now on
The waitress will be out of sight
Have yourself a slice or two of rye bread
Eat up while you may
From now on
The waitress will be miles away
Start your dinner right
From now on
The waitress will be out of sight
Have yourself a slice or two of rye bread
Eat up while you may
From now on
The waitress will be miles away
OH HAPPY ME
(To the
tune of OH HOLY
NIGHT)
Oh happy me!
The waiter brought my order
I have a plate full of kosher brisket
With mashed potatoes and gravy round its border
Have something new? Tonight I would not risk it
A thrill of hope this hungry Jew rejoices
For yonder lies a fine and tasty dish!
I pick up my fork
Oh hear the diner’s voices
Oh meal divine
It’s better than the fish
The waiter brought my order
I have a plate full of kosher brisket
With mashed potatoes and gravy round its border
Have something new? Tonight I would not risk it
A thrill of hope this hungry Jew rejoices
For yonder lies a fine and tasty dish!
I pick up my fork
Oh hear the diner’s voices
Oh meal divine
It’s better than the fish
Oh meal divine
Oh meal
divine
FILL MY BOWL
(To the tune of DECK THE HALLS)
Fill my bowl with balls of matzo, fa la la
la la la la la la!
I’m hungry and I want a lotsa, fa la la la la la la la la!
I’m hungry and I want a lotsa, fa la la la la la la la la!
Tuck a napkin ‘neath my chin, fa la la la la
la la la la!
Stand back while this Jew digs in, fa la la la la la la la la!
Be sure there are
also noodles, fa la la la la la la la la!Stand back while this Jew digs in, fa la la la la la la la la!
For dessert I’d like a piece of strudel, fa la la la la la la la la!
I’ll buy yours, yes, I am treating, fa la la la la la la la la!
Join me in this glorious eating, fa la la la la la la la la!
THE FIRST CHRISTMAS SALE
(To the tune of THE FIRST NOEL)
The first Christmas sale
the merchants did say
Was to certain poor shoppers in beds as they lay;
In beds as they lay, trying to fall asleep,
While thinking of prices that were much too steep.
All hail, all hail, all hail, all hail,
The first guy who thought of a big Christmas sale.
He looked up and saw some ugly coats
Wholesale price was ten dollars, it said in his notes,
For eighty-nine dollars they just would not sell,
But he knew that for thirty they’d move very well
Can't fail, can't fail, can't fail, can't fail,
The whole town will come to our big Christmas sale.
He texted his partners at their poker game
Those three wise men from their merrymaking came;
To sell for a profit was their intent,
And they followed money wherever it went.
He said, “Drop prices enough and people will buy,
Was to certain poor shoppers in beds as they lay;
In beds as they lay, trying to fall asleep,
While thinking of prices that were much too steep.
All hail, all hail, all hail, all hail,
The first guy who thought of a big Christmas sale.
He looked up and saw some ugly coats
Wholesale price was ten dollars, it said in his notes,
For eighty-nine dollars they just would not sell,
But he knew that for thirty they’d move very well
Can't fail, can't fail, can't fail, can't fail,
The whole town will come to our big Christmas sale.
He texted his partners at their poker game
Those three wise men from their merrymaking came;
To sell for a profit was their intent,
And they followed money wherever it went.
"On sale, on sale, on sale, on sale,
They won’t care what they’re buying at our big
Christmas sale."He said, “Drop prices enough and people will buy,
We’ll make more profit than
when prices are high.
The shoppers are bound to
flock into our store
And we’ll make more money
than ever before.
Bulk mail, bulk mail, bulk mail, bulk mail,
We'll send out the news of our big Christmas sale."
Bulk mail, bulk mail, bulk mail, bulk mail,
We'll send out the news of our big Christmas sale."
They all agreed, those partners four
With prices so low they would prove in their store,
The fact things are ugly shoppers would disregard,
With prices so low they would prove in their store,
The fact things are ugly shoppers would disregard,
They’d buy *schlok and max out each credit card.
Retail, retail, retail, retail,
They’d sell lots of **shmatas
at their big Christmas sale.
*schlok-something cheap or inferior, shoddy merchandise
BOYS OF THE WORLD
(To the tune of JOY TO
THE WORLD!)
Boys of the world—come meet
your bride
With this *shadkin’s deluxe service
You shouldn’t become nervous
With this *shadkin’s deluxe service
You shouldn’t become nervous
You’ll learn to call her “Hon”
She’ll give to you some sons
And you’ll get **fargenign
from each one
*shadkin-matchmaker
**fargenign-joy, pleasure
JOY TO MY TONGUE!
(To the tune of JOY TO THE WORLD!)
Joy to my tongue! The *latkes are done
JOY TO MY TONGUE!
(To the tune of JOY TO THE WORLD!)
Joy to my tongue! The *latkes are done
Be
careful of their steam
Enjoy them one by one
With applesauce and sour cream
Enjoy them one by one
With applesauce and sour cream
With applesauce and sour cream
With applesauce and applesauce and sour cream
*latkes-potato pancakes
(Ed. note: Since Jews are known to be fans of Chinese food, I wrote this one.)
*putz-jerk, fool
(Ed. note: Since Jews are known to be fans of Chinese food, I wrote this one.)
EATING AT A CHINESE RESTAURANT
(To the tune of WALKING IN A WINTER WONDERLAND)
I am always
In the mood
For delicious
Chinese food
I said to my mate,
I said to my mate,
“It’s time that we ate
At that brand new Chinese restaurant.
Let’s take your mama
Let’s take your mama
And Auntie Sophie,
She wants to show us
She wants to show us
Her bowling trophy,
They love eating at a Chinese restaurant.
We could take your second cousin Morris,
He always likes to have his egg foo yung,
Did you know that he’s engaged to Doris?
I don’t know why; that woman’s so high-strung!”
We could take your second cousin Morris,
He always likes to have his egg foo yung,
Did you know that he’s engaged to Doris?
I don’t know why; that woman’s so high-strung!”
We were served,
It was delicious,
I didn't have
To do the dishes,
It was delicious,
I didn't have
To do the dishes,
Easy eating at this Chinese restaurant.
Look at us,
We're the smart ones,
Taking home
These little cartons,
Big servings at the Chinese restaurant.
For something special you should try an egg roll,
The shrimp fried rice was nectar for the gods,
The wonton soup was heaven in a small bowl,
The whole meal was something to applaud.
Look at us,
We're the smart ones,
Taking home
These little cartons,
Big servings at the Chinese restaurant.
For something special you should try an egg roll,
The shrimp fried rice was nectar for the gods,
The wonton soup was heaven in a small bowl,
The whole meal was something to applaud.
My new glasses
Distort my optics,
I couldn’t eat
With my chopsticks,
I needed a fork at this Chinese restaurant.
We’ve all eaten
To our limits,
But we’ll be hungry
In twenty minutes,
Still I’m glad that we went,
Still I’m glad that we went,
It was money well spent
Eating in the Chinese restaurant.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT HE NEEDS?
(To
the tune of DO YOU HEAR WHAT I HEAR?)
Said the diner to the
waitress,
Do you see what I see
Here on my plate, waitress,
Do you see what I see
A steak, a steak, I long to take its meat in
Do you see what I see
Here on my plate, waitress,
Do you see what I see
A steak, a steak, I long to take its meat in
But it will remain uneaten
But it will remain uneaten
Said the waitress to the bus boy,
Do you know what he needs
The customer’s complaining, bus boy,
Do you know what he needs
A fork, a fork, you’ve caused him so much strife,
Said the waitress to the bus boy,
Do you know what he needs
The customer’s complaining, bus boy,
Do you know what he needs
A fork, a fork, you’ve caused him so much strife,
And he will also need a
knife
And
he will also need a knife
HARK! IT’S HAROLD ENGLELUTZ
(To the tune of HARK! THE HERALD
ANGELS SING)
Hark! It’s Harold Englelutz
Harold’s always been a *putz
Since his birth he drives folks wild
For **schmucks he’s the poster child
He pulls pranks to get a rise
So many stupid stunts he tries
Even his mother says with a groan
“Harold, please leave me alone”
Even his mother says with a groan
“Harold, please leave me alone”
**schmucks-idiots, contemptible persons
REUBEN THE RED NOSED
RABBI
(To the tune of RUDOLPH
THE RED NOSED REINDEER)
Reuben the red nosed
rabbi
Had a very shiny nose.
All of the folks in
temple
Said it looked just like
a rose.
They said no other’s
like it.
They would laugh and
call him names.
They’d never guessed
that red schnozz
Would someday bring him
worldwide fame.
Then Christmas Eve a
pea soup fog
Brought air traffic to a
stop.
Reuben's nose lit up the
runway
So Santa’s sled wouldn’t
go ker-plop.
Then his congregation
loved him,
Lots of children got
their toys.
They said it was a *mitzvah
Although it was just for
**goys.
*Mitzvah-blessing
**Goys-non Jews
WE THREE BOYS
*yeshiva-Hebrew academy
*Goyem-non
Jews
WE THREE BOYS
(To the tune of WE THREE KINGS)
We three boys from *yeshiva are
Hungry and we’ve we traveled so far.
For a kosher deli to fill our belly,
But we’re not particular.
Hungry and we’ve we traveled so far.
For a kosher deli to fill our belly,
But we’re not particular.
O we’ll have bagels, we’ll
have lox,
We pray you have a takeout box,
Lunch we’re needing, we’ll be feeding
On dill pickles from a jar.
We pray you have a takeout box,
Lunch we’re needing, we’ll be feeding
On dill pickles from a jar.
O COME
ALL YE *GOYEM
(To the tune of O COME ALL YE FAITHFUL)
(To the tune of O COME ALL YE FAITHFUL)
O
come all ye *goyem, all ye girls and
boyem
O come ye, O come ye to a good Jewish deli
Nova lox is king
It's not a hallucination
O come ye, O come ye to a good Jewish deli
Nova lox is king
It's not a hallucination
O come let us consume it
O come let us consume it
O come let us consume it
Especially the belly
O come let us consume it
O come let us consume it
Especially the belly
Slice up a bagel; plain,
rye, salt or onion
Spread on some cream
cheese, it could cure a bunion
Top it with lox
In your mouth a celebration
In your mouth a celebration
O come let us consume it
O come let us consume it
O come let us consume it
Eating should be fun, son
O come let us consume it
O come let us consume it
Eating should be fun, son
OH MATZO BALL
(To the tune of OH
CHRISTMAS TREE)
Oh matzo ball, oh matzo
ball,
How seductive your aroma.
I'd wake to eat a matzo
ball
Even while in a coma.
(Ed. note: A friend of mine was visiting from Salt Lake City so I took her to a deli for lunch. She looked at a group eating across from us & asked why one of the ladies had a tennis ball in her soup.)
YOU'RE ARRESTED, MORRIE GRENDELMAN
(To the tune of GOD REST
YE MERRY, GENTLEMEN)
You're arrested, Morrie
Grendelman,
What did you do this
time?
Your sticky fingers led
you
Into a life of crime.
I'll call the bail
bondsman now
While I still have a
dime.
I'm hiding the good
silverware,
Silverware,
I'm hiding the good
silverware.
CHRISTMAS SALES
(To the tune of JINGLE
BELLS)
Jingle bells, see what
sells,
On Christmas sales I
thrive.
Look here, Gert, a
thirty dollar shirt
For seven ninety-five!!
Dashing through the
store
Checking every rack,
If it doesn’t fit
I can always take it
back.
I got some pretty
things,
But don’t forget I need a
Cute little purse for my
mother's nurse
And a dress for little
Frieda.
Jingle bells, see what
sells,
Shopping makes me feel
alive.
Bought some slacks for
my uncle Max,
He's turning
eighty-five!!
ON A PEW IN A
SYNAGOGUE
(To the tune of AWAY
IN A MANGER)
On a pew in a synagogue,
No sheets for his bed
Moishe Grazinsky
Lays down his bald head
No sheets for his bed
Moishe Grazinsky
Lays down his bald head
The rabbi in the pulpit
Looked down where he lay
At Moishe Grazinsky
Looked down where he lay
At Moishe Grazinsky
Just snoring away
The congregation is
laughing
Poor Moishe awakes
But Moishe Grazinsky
No apology he makes
The rabbi said, "Moishe,
We don't sleep in *shul here"
Moishe said, "I'm exhausted
**Oy vay iz meer"
Poor Moishe awakes
But Moishe Grazinsky
No apology he makes
The rabbi said, "Moishe,
We don't sleep in *shul here"
Moishe said, "I'm exhausted
**Oy vay iz meer"
The good rabbi asked
him
Why he was so tired
He said he worked
overtime
So he wouldn’t get
fired
He said “If I got
fired
Then Sadie, my spouse
Would not let me come
back
Into my own house.
I would have to move
in with you
My rabbi, my friend
Which your wife Rebekah
Would not comprehend
To save both our
marriages
Sleeping here is
sublime
But wake me at six am
I’ve a seven tee off
time”
*Shul-synagogue, temple
**Oy vay iz meer-Oh woe is me
FLOSSIE THE FLOOZY
Running near and far, she must have looked bizarre, sayin', "**Shtup me if you can."
They followed her down the streets of town, smack into a cop,
But all the grownups ran away when they heard him holler, "Stop!"
Then Flossie the Floozy knew she had to go to jail,
But she waved goodbye, sayin' "Don't you cry, I'll be back when I post bail."
*kurveh-prostitute
**Shtup-have intercourse with
Here's a non-Jewish generic one:
*Shul-synagogue, temple
**Oy vay iz meer-Oh woe is me
Not everything in my songbook has a PG rating:
He’s in his high heels
SANFORD KRAUS IS WEARIN’ A GOWN
(To the tune of SANTA CLAUS IS COMIN’ TO TOWN)
You better not pout
No need to be rude
You'll be asked out
No need to be rude
You'll be asked out
By this flamin' dude
Sanford Kraus is wearin’ a gown
Sanford Kraus is wearin’ a gown
You’re bound to get kissed
So here’s my advice
Have a stiff drink
You won't need the ice
Sanford Kraus is wearin’ a gown
Sanford Kraus is wearin’ a gown
He sees you when you're sleeping
But that's a risk he'll take
Sanford's always been a voyeur so
Close your blinds for goodness sake
He’s in his high heels
A fancy mink stole
A chauffeured automobile
And no self-control
Sanford Kraus is wearin’ a gownFLOSSIE THE FLOOZY
(To the tune of FROSTY THE SNOWMAN)
Flossie the Floozy, I’m telling you so you’ll know,
Had a garter belt and a button nose, and two boobs made of snow.
Flossie the Floozy was a *kurveh, so they say.
She was made of snow, but the children know that she came to life one day.
There must have been some magic in that old bra that they found,
‘Cause when they placed it on her boobs, she threw it on the ground!
Oh, Flossie the Floozy was alive as she could be
And the children say she said, “You must pay if you want to be with me.”
Thumpety thump, thump, thumpety thump, thump,
The children were awestruck.
Thumpety thump, thump, thumpety thump, thump,
“Who’s got twenty bucks?”
Had a garter belt and a button nose, and two boobs made of snow.
Flossie the Floozy was a *kurveh, so they say.
She was made of snow, but the children know that she came to life one day.
There must have been some magic in that old bra that they found,
‘Cause when they placed it on her boobs, she threw it on the ground!
Oh, Flossie the Floozy was alive as she could be
And the children say she said, “You must pay if you want to be with me.”
Thumpety thump, thump, thumpety thump, thump,
The children were awestruck.
Thumpety thump, thump, thumpety thump, thump,
“Who’s got twenty bucks?”
Flossie the Floozy knew the sun was hot that day,
So she said, "I’ve got to dash and make some cash now, before I melt away."
Down to the taverns, this chilly courtesan,So she said, "I’ve got to dash and make some cash now, before I melt away."
Running near and far, she must have looked bizarre, sayin', "**Shtup me if you can."
They followed her down the streets of town, smack into a cop,
But all the grownups ran away when they heard him holler, "Stop!"
Then Flossie the Floozy knew she had to go to jail,
But she waved goodbye, sayin' "Don't you cry, I'll be back when I post bail."
*kurveh-prostitute
**Shtup-have intercourse with
CHET’S NUTS ROASTING NEAR AN OPEN FIRE
(To
the tune of
CHESTNUTS
ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE)
Chet’s nuts roasting near
an open fire
He is standing much too close
He should have worn proper attire,
Then he wouldn’t burn like cellulose
He is standing much too close
He should have worn proper attire,
Then he wouldn’t burn like cellulose
Everybody knows some
mittens and a nice wool coat
Will keep you feeling quite
all right,
But poor Chet with his skin all aglow
Will be in the ER tonight
He knows the ambulance is on its way,
They’ve loaded lots of drugs and ointments on a tray
And every mother's child is gonna try
But poor Chet with his skin all aglow
Will be in the ER tonight
He knows the ambulance is on its way,
They’ve loaded lots of drugs and ointments on a tray
And every mother's child is gonna try
To see if Chet gets over
being fried
Chet now knows he should have dressed up warm,
And he’ll tell you to your
faceChet now knows he should have dressed up warm,
“I’ve had blisters many times, many ways
But not in such a painful place.”
But not in such a painful place.”
IRA COHEN IS HUNG LIKE A CHANDELIER
(To the tune of IT CAME UPON THE MIDNIGHT CLEAR)
Ira Cohen is hung like a chandelier,
The ladies are enthralled,
He can have any one that he wants
Even though he is bald!
No one cares about hair when Ira is there,
On a bed whether double or king!
The women in solemn stillness lay
To see Ira’s thing.
He can have any one that he wants
Even though he is bald!
No one cares about hair when Ira is there,
On a bed whether double or king!
The women in solemn stillness lay
To see Ira’s thing.
Here's a non-Jewish generic one:
THE LOUDLY SINGING BOY
(To the tune of LITTLE
DRUMMER BOY)
Hush they told me
Pa rum pum pum pum
Pa rum pum pum pum
Please don’t scold me
Pa rum pum pum pum
Pa rum pum pum pum
For waking up the king
Pa rum pum pum pum
Pa rum pum pum pum
But softly I can’t
sing
Pa rum pum pum pum,
Rum pum pum pum,
Rum pum pum pum
So to honor himPa rum pum pum pum,
Rum pum pum pum,
Rum pum pum pum
OH LITTLE BANK AMERICARD
(To the tune of OH
LITTLE TOWN OF BETHLEHEM)
Oh little Bank
Americard,
I’m running out of cash.
I’m going to the deli to fill my belly
With plates of corned
beef hash.
My credit line allows me
To run up bills quite
large
And when I’m through
exhausting you
I’ll use my Master
Charge.
I’LL BE CLONED FOR
CHRISTMAS
(To the tune of I'LL BE
HOME FOR CHRISTMAS)
I’ll be cloned for
Christmas,
There’ll be three of me
in the loop.
If on Christmas I
feel blueish,
It’s just because I’m Jewish
But if I cry one will
wipe my eye
While the other brings
me chicken soup.
Here are some politically themed carols
written by my niece, Tracy Z.
There are 6 carols.
Hopefully, you will be able to click onto the others
at the end of this song:
Susan (I Think; Therefore I Yam) sent me this:
MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"After all the money your father and I spent on braces, this
you call a smile?"
CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER:
"I don't care what you've discovered, you didn't call, you didn't write."
CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER:
"I don't care what you've discovered, you didn't call, you didn't write."
MICHELANGELO¹S JEWISH MOTHER:
"A ceiling you paint? Not good enough for you the walls, like the
other children? Do you know how hard it is to get that schmutz off the
ceiling?"
NAPOLEON¹S JEWISH MOTHER:
"You're not hiding your report card? Show me! Take your hand out of your jacket and show me!"
NAPOLEON¹S JEWISH MOTHER:
"You're not hiding your report card? Show me! Take your hand out of your jacket and show me!"
ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Again with that hat! Why can't you wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"
"Again with that hat! Why can't you wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"
THOMAS EDISON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Okay, so I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off already and go to sleep!"
"Okay, so I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off already and go to sleep!"
PAUL REVERE'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is long past your bedtime!"
"I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is long past your bedtime!"
ALBERT EINSTEIN'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Your senior photograph and you couldn't have done something with your hair?"
MOSES' JEWISH MOTHER:
"Desert, schmesert! Where have you really been for the last forty years?"
BILL GATES' JEWISH MOTHER:
"It would have killed you to become a doctor?"
BILL CLINTON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Well, at least she was a nice Jewish girl, that Monica."
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!
Happy Christmas to all & to all a good night----Santa Claus (& fishducky)
