Friday, December 25, 2015


‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through our shack
Nothing was creaking, except for my back.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care;
Our dryer was shot so the laundry went there.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds
While a police helicopter circled overhead
And my wife in her nightie and I in my jammies
Were wishing that we could move to Miami.

When out on the lawn there arose a big noise;
The police chopper’s spotlight was looking for some boys.
To the windows and doors I flew in a fright
And I tried to lock up the house really tight.

The light from the chopper on the newly thrown trash
Gave our dirty old alley a certain panache,
But I was very upset when I saw
A bunch of punks trying to hide from the law.

One of the guys was exceedingly large
And I knew in a moment he must be in charge.
More rapid than eagles his gang members came
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name

"Now, Knuckles! Now, Killer! Now, Scarface and Cruiser!
On, Slasher! On, Icepick! On, Slugger and Bruiser!
Smash open a window! Break down a door!
If we don’t get in there then we’re done for!"

As leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
So up to the housetop, the homeboys are now
Determined to get into my house somehow.

And then, on the roof, I heard all those brutes.
Yes!  The prancing and pawing of motorcycle boots.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney the big guy came with a bound.

He was dressed all in black, from his head to his feet
And he said, “Listen, ‘cause I don’t repeat”
He scared me because he looked oh, so rough
And said, “As long as I’m here, I’m taking your stuff!!”

His eyes, how they twinkled, but his scars, they were scary,
On his face like a road map and his chin was quite hairy,
His droll little mouth let out a big belch
Which not for a moment did he try to squelch.

He whipped out a snub nosed revolver and groaned
And I knew in a moment he must be quite stoned.
He had a broad face and a great big beer belly
And he needed a bath, he was really quite smelly.

I saw the SWAT team as they snuck into my house
And nobody heard them, not even my spouse.
A wink of their eyes and a twist of their heads
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

They spoke not a word, but went straight to their work,
And handcuffed the homeboys, all of those jerks,
After arresting every last man
And giving a nod, took them out to the van.

Then the head of the SWAT team, to his men gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard the big guy exclaim, ere they drove him to jail,
“We’ll be back to see you when we make bail”

‘Tis still the night before Christmas and now all through our slum
Not a creature is stirring, not one drunken bum.
And Ma with her night cream covering her face
Said, "I'd really like to move out of this place!!"

If you missed my December 1st Christmas songbook,
& you'd like to see it, 

Our Christmas card to you this year.
Open it from the right if you're Christian
or from the left if you're Jewish:

If you were looking for something with more of a holiday theme, click here for my 2014 Christmas post----fishducky