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Monday, February 29, 2016

DEFINITION OF A QUOTE: SOMETHING SOMEONE SAID THAT SOMEONE ELSE THOUGHT WAS INTERESTING ENOUGH TO WRITE DOWN




This was sent to me by Joe (http://joeh-crankyoldman.blogspot.com/)--thanks, Joe!!


MEMORABLE QUOTATIONS REGARDING SEX:

“There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz SL500."--Lynn Lavner

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."--Camille Paglia

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."--Sharon Stone

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."--Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."--Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."--Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."--Robin Williams

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place"--Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."--Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"--Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked!"--Jerry Seinfeld

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."--Robin Williams

"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."--Joan Rivers

”Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.”--Steve Martin

“You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life.”--Emo Phillips

“Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."--Oscar Wilde

“It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."--George Burns



Some other quotes you may or may not have heard:


















And you can quote me on that----fishducky

 





Friday, February 26, 2016

BE CAREFUL!!


(A reworked post from May, 2014 with all new cartoons.)


An Accident Report

I am writing in response to your request for “additional information.” In block number 30 of the accident report form, I put “poor planning” as the cause for my accident. You said in your last letter that I should explain more fully. I trust that the following detail will be sufficient.

I am an amateur radio operator. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80-foot antenna tower. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought about 300 lbs. of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now unneeded tools and materials down by hand, I decided to lower the items in a small barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the pole at the tip of the tower. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and materials into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 300 lbs. of tools. 

You will note in block number 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 155 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken clavicle.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly on the rope in spite of the pain. At about the same time however, the barrel hit the ground. The bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed 20 pounds.

I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might guess, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations or my legs and lower body.

The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of tools, and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools in pain, unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind.

I let go of the rope…
(A Joke A Day.com)




The following are actual, real-life accident descriptions given on insurance claim forms:


To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front of me, I struck a pedestrian.

I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.

As I was coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning.

 I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother- in-law and headed over the embankment.

In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.

and last but not least...


The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.
(ahajokes.com)














This website is intended for adult entertainment purposes only. It is not intended to diagnose, prevent or treat any disease. The tasteless and/or crude nature of its content should not be construed as a reflection on the moral character of the reader. If you believe you have reached this site in error, please realize that a record of your visit exists somewhere and may be retrieved in the future by any entity, governmental or otherwise, provided that the aforementioned entity has any interest in doing so. Author assumes no risk or responsibility for reader being "put on a list."  In case of accidental exposure, flush eyes immediately with water----fishducky

 



Thursday, February 25, 2016

I'VE BEEN THINKING......



I've been thinking about these things I saw on BuzzFeed:


We eat pizza from the inside out.

If you live to be 70 years old you will spend
10 years of your life on Monday.

Sometime in the future, someone will say your name for the last time.

Deaf people probably don’t understand why farts are funny.

The word ambiguous only has one meaning.

Outer space isn’t empty, it literally contains everything there is.


It’s not possible for Wolverine to get circumcised
because of his mutant healing factor.

When jogging, we put on special clothes so people
don’t think we are running from or to something.

How do vampires always look so neat and tidy
 if they can’t see themselves in the mirror?

If you drop an Oreo you can still safely eat two thirds of it.

There’s only one sunset, and it’s been going around the earth for billions of years.

What does my mirror look like when I’m not looking at it?

Your stomach thinks all potatoes are mashed.

The Swiss must have been pretty confident of their 
chances of victory if they
included a corkscrew on their army knife.

If you did something “like a boss,”
you’ve probably just paid someone else to do it.

In order to fall asleep, you have to pretend to fall asleep.

Wrong is spelled wrong in the dictionary.

Mothers only get a day, but sharks get a whole week.

Can Chewbacca even say Chewbacca?
Shouldn’t his name be something like Rawwwraaraar?

Nothing is on fire, fire is on things.

Morgan Freeman’s voice sounds even better in his own head.


If you wake up earlier on weekends now you get to
 sleep in for 5 days a week instead of two.

As Andy grew older, all of his toys sat motionless and watched him masturbate.




















I took an IQ test and the results were negative----fishducky