Thursday, April 14, 2016


(In case you missed my post, USES FOR A CAT, click on "older post" at the bottom of this one.)

Today’s collection of one-liners and puns is made up of hat jokes, for no particular reason. As always, these jokes come with no guarantee of being either funny or original…
“I just bought a new hat”
“No, for me.”
I saw an ad saying “Hairpieces from $5.00”. I thought, “That’s a small price toupee”.
I’m not saying that my friend Fred doesn’t think deeply, but usually the only thing on his mind is his hat.
Met a man the other day & I asked him what he did. He said he was a henchman for someone aiming to take over the world, and he used a steel rimmed bladed hat as part of his profession. I said, “That’s an Odd Job”….
Who wears the biggest hat in the army? The one with the biggest head.
A friend of mine always wears a nun’s outfit and hat when he’s out. It’s just a habit that he has.
Barbers. You have to take your hat off to them.
What do you call a dinosaur that wears a cowboy hat and boots? Tyrannosaurus Tex.
Spotted a guy playing tennis in a hat the other day. Think it was Roger Fedora.
I saw a big cat wearing a very flamboyant hat the other day. I think it was a dandy lion.
And of course, the old, corny hat-based classic….
What did the hat say to the tie?
“You hang around here…I’ll go on a head.”

There are a  lot of hat books out there.  
These are just a few of them:

And even a hat publishing company:

So, of course, there are some funny quotes from hat books:

“Wayne's a little attached to that hat," Waxillium said. "He thinks it's lucky."
Wayne: "It is lucky. I ain't never died while wearing that hat." 
Marasi frowned. "I ... I'm not sure I know how to respond."
Wax: "That's a common reaction to Wayne.” 
Brandon Sanderson, The Alloy of Law
“As long as you are wearing a hat made out of shingles, you’ll always have a roof over your head.” 
Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

“If I could rotate my neck 180 degrees, like an owl, I'd go around wearing backwards baseball caps, just to mess with people.” 
Jarod Kintz,  This Book is Not FOR SALE

“Her golden hair moved like a hundred moths, all trying to saturate themselves in sunlight, while his hair was spiked like cleats, and he wore a shoe for a hat. He said it helped him to headstands while looking up her dress.” 
Jarod Kintz,  This Book is Not FOR SALE

 “He decided not to shoot the tall stranger, mainly because he admired his soft felt hat.” 
Larry McMurtry, The Last Kind Words Saloon

And some more hat jokes:
An elderly man was quite unhappy because he had lost his favorite hat.

Instead of buying a new one, he decided he would go to church and swipe one out of the vestibule.

When he got there, an usher intercepted him at the door and took him to a pew where he had to sit and listen to the entire sermon on "The Ten Commandments."

After church, the man met the preacher in the vestibule doorway, shook his hand vigorously, and told him "I want to thank you preacher for saving my soul today.  I came to church to steal a hat and after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided against it."

Preacher:  "You mean the commandment 'I shall not steal' changed your mind?"

Old Man:  "No, the one about adultery did.  As soon as you said that I remembered where I left my old hat!!"

Two men walk into a bar, one wearing a cowboy hat and the other wearing a Yankees cap. The guy in the Yankees cap approaches the bartender and makes a bet: "I'll bet you $1,000 that I can put a shot glass at one end of your bar and piss into it from the other end of the bar without spilling a drop." The bartender laughs and says, "You're crazy, but you're on."
The man positions a shot glass on one end, walks to the other end and unzips his fly. He then pisses everywhere all over the walls, over the bar top, all over the bottles of booze, and all over the bartender. The bartender roars with laughter and tells the man to pay up. The guy in the Yankees cap pays up, laughing and smiling, too. "What are you smiling at?" asks the bartender. "You just lost $1,000!"

"Well, you see that guy in the cowboy hat over there crying? Before we came in, I bet him $10,000 that I could piss all over your bar, your walls, your liquor and you, and not only would you not be mad you would laugh hysterically about it!"

And a takeoff on a classic:

What did the bra say to the hat? 
"You go on a head, I'm going to give these two guys a lift!!"

To see a special Roy Rogers cowboy hat,
click here.

Do you remember this famous dance scene?

If you like my blogs, don't keep it under your hat; tell your friends!!----fishducky



  1. Some great jokes here, I love the thinking caps and the cup&saucer worn by the Queen.
    I hated hats when I was young, but now I wear one every time I step outside.

  2. I tried to come up with a clever hat-related reply but it ain't happinin' this morning:)

    1. wHAT do you mean by tHAT? It must be a hairy situation when you try but can't wrap your head around something!!

  3. Replies
    1. Especially when you consider who (& what) he partnered with!!

  4. I do remember Fred's dance with the coat rack/hat rack.
    I don't remember the Roy Roger's shooter hat--OMG!
    I wouldn't have thought there were this many hat jokes or hat books.
    You always entertain. :)

  5. totally hilarious! Hat's off to you!

  6. I made a hat for a guinea pig once. I don't know, this just made me think about that.

    1. Did I ever tell you that I once gave Bud a wig that I made myself? He never wore it, but I thought it turned out nice. I was a dental assistant when he passed the bar exam. My boss, Dr. Taub, let me use plaster to form a wig stand & I wrapped yarn around dental cotton rolls to make the curls for a miniature (about 5" high) barrister's wig. He said he loved it but I don't think he ever even tried it on!! Your guinea pig's hat was probably about the same size!!

    2. When you got time.

    3. I just looked at it--they're absolutely adorable!! I'd love to see the guinea pig in Bud's barrister wig.

  7. Or, if he's a boy T-Rex, mast...okay, we'll go with hat.

    1. T-Rex girls would have had the same problem--putting on hats, I mean!!

  8. "The 500 hats of Bartholomew Cubbins" has been a favorite since childhood.

  9. The best thing about all of this is that you take the time to find the stuff, to put it in order, to add some of your own marvelous funny stories, and then posting it for all of us to enjoy.

    1. Billy DeWolfe was an actor/comedian in the 50's & 60's whose catchphrase was "Busy, busy, busy!" That's me, too--I'm not so much of a plagiarist as I am an organizer of funny stuff!!

  10. Can't believe I missed Roy's hat. I was a huge fan.
    Pretty sure "only thing on his mind is his hat" will find its way into a future conversation of mine. Too good not to steal.

  11. So darn clever! I want a Roy Rogers hat.

  12. I was grinning as I scrolled down slowly. When I got to the squirrels, I laughed. That one did it for me. Thanks, fishducky.

    1. Did I call raccoons squirrels? That I did - as if a balding squirrel would wear a raccoon hat. Silly me!


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