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Tuesday, May 31, 2016

ADVICE FOR PROSPECTIVE AUTHORS






(This was one of my very first posts.  I wrote it in 2012.)

Following is a list of children’s books that didn’t make it.  If you have written one with the same theme, I would suggest discarding it & going on to another book.  (These first 25 are copied stolen borrowed from That’s Comedy, issue #0153)

1.    YOU ARE DIFFERENT & THAT’S BAD

2.    THE BOY WHO DIED FROM EATING ALL HIS VEGETABLES

3.    DAD’S NEW WIFE ROBERT

4.    FUN FOUR LETTER WORDS TO KNOW & SHARE

5.    HAMMERS & POWER TOOLS (AN I-CAN-DO-IT-MYSELF BOOK)   

6.    THE KIDS’ GUIDE TO HITCHHIKING

7.    KATHY WAS SO BAD HER MOM STOPPED LOVING HER

8.    CURIOUS GEORGE & THE HIGH VOLTAGE FENCE

9.    ALL CATS GO TO HELL

10.  THE LITTLE SISSY WHO SNITCHED

11.  SOME KITTENS CAN FLY

12.  THAT’S IT!  I’M PUTTING YOU UP FOR ADOPTION

13.  GRANDPA GETS A CASKET

14.  THE MAGIC WORLD INSIDE THE ABANDONED REFRIGERATOR

15.  GARFIELD GETS FELINE LEUKEMIA

16.  THE POP-UP BOOK OF HUMAN ANATOMY

17.  STRANGERS HAVE THE BEST CANDY

18.  WHINING, KICKING & CRYING TO GET YOUR WAY

19.  YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT

20.  THINGS RICH KIDS HAVE, BUT YOU NEVER WILL

21.  THE MAN IN THE MOON IS ACTUALLY SATAN

22.  YOUR NIGHTMARES ARE REAL

23.  PLACES WHERE MOMMY & DADDY HIDE NEAT THINGS

24.  EGGS, TOILET PAPER & YOUR SCHOOL

25.  WHY CAN’T MR. FORK & MS. ELECTRICAL OUTLET BE FRIENDS

After extensive research, I have personally discovered these other titles while wandering through my mind.  They also fit in this category:

1.    MOMMY & DADDY ARE NOT REALLY TAKING A NAP

2.    JUST RUBBING IT UNTIL YOU NEED GLASSES

3.    RUNNING WITH SCISSORS & OTHER FUN GAMES

4.    HOW TO SHAVE HEADS

5.    HIDE MOMMY’S WALLET & KEYS

6.    FARTING FOR FUN & PROFIT

7.    NEUTERING YOUR DOG AT HOME

8.    KICK-THE-SEAT & OTHER GAMES TO PLAY ON A PLANE

9.    WHY GRANDMA HAS A MOUSTACHE

10.  THAT’S MY TOY—YOU CAN”T HAVE IT

11.  PROJECTILE VOMITING CAN BE FUN

12.  DECORATING YOUR WALLS WITH CRAYONS & MARKING PENS

13.  FUNNY FACES & NOISES TO MAKE IN CHURCH & SCHOOL

14.  WHAT TO DO IF YOUR FACE FREEZES LIKE THAT

15.  IF JOHNNY JUMPS OFF A CLIFF, YOU SHOULD, TOO

16.  HOW TO MICROWAVE YOUR PETS

17.  WELCOMING DADDY HOME WHEN HE’S ON PAROLE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you have written any sort of book & hope to have it published, keep in mind that not only the subject matter, but also the title is very important.  It is necessary to hire a good proofreader. These books almost didn't make it because of a slip-up by the proofreader.  See if you can guess what the title was after correction:

           Madame Ovary
           The Sisterhood of the Traveling Ants
           The Princess Brie
           The Silence of the Labs
           Lord of the Lies

Below is a list of books that became bestsellers only after the author completely changed the title:

What’s the Worst That Could Happen? / Great Expectations--Dickens

Beverly Hills & Compton / A Tale of Two Cities--Dickens (Dickens was apparently a                  slow learner.)

Can You Recommend a Good Lawyer? / Crime and Punishment—Dostoevsky

Huckleberry Argentinian / Huckleberry Finn--Twain

The Grapes of Welch’s / The Grapes of Wrath--Steinbeck

That’s Just Sick!! / Interpretation of Dreams--Freud

Close the Window, There’s a Draft / Gone With the Wind---Mitchell

Romeo and Jailbait / Romeo and Juliet--Shakespeare

Some Pretty Funny Stuff / The Divine Comedy--Dante

I’ll Give Him Five More Minutes / Waiting for Godot--Becket

The Worst Trip Ever / The Odyssey--Homer

Gatsby, You Suck! / The Great Gatsby--Fitzgerald

Those Zany Italians / The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire---Gibbon

Uncle Tom’s Condo / Uncle Tom’s Cabin--Stowe

Boy, Were They Pissed Off!! / Les Miserables--Hugo

Critique of Pure Bullshit / Critique of Pure Reason--Kant

The Big Fat Whale / Moby Dick—Melville

It may surprise you to learn that even the world’s all-time bestseller once had this very same problem:

I Brought My Son Into the Business / The Bible---God


(It might help sales if autographed copies were available)




The right title could mean the difference between this:
         

And this:
I would advise against trying to sell them here:




























I just read “The History of Glue” in one sitting.  I couldn’t put it down----fishducky

 


Monday, May 30, 2016

SOMETHING MAY HAVE GONE WRONG HERE, BUT I CAN'T QUITE PUT MY FINGER ON IT



I'm reminded of the movie "Westworld" where a robot says, "Nothing can possibly go wrong-- go wrong-- go wrong…"

Pride comes before a fall. And every now and then, pride also comes before accidentally setting your kids on fire.  My son, Blake, was about 8 years old.  The kids were in their pajamas at the kitchen table.  I had left my cigarettes & lighter on the table.  Blake started playing with my lighter, which both scared & annoyed me.  I grabbed the lighter & we started arguing. He stood there with his arms straight out, as if he were ready for crucifixion.  He was wearing an old terry cloth robe, with its strings hanging down.  I was making a point about the lighter being dangerous & was stupidly waving it (lit) under his arms.  I swear it was at least a foot away, when the threads hanging under his arms caught fire!!  We were able to get the robe off & the fire put out with absolutely no harm to him or anyone else; but I guess I made my point.

Something apparently went wrong in these pictures, too.
See if you can figure out what it was:











 








 (Pictures from BuzzFeed & Giphy. com.)