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Thursday, May 19, 2016

WELCOME TO DECREPITVILLE, POPULATION: TOO DAMN MANY!!




(Reworked from several old posts.)

On my way to Decrepitville, I’ve had to pass through some unpleasant places, such as Boy, It’s Hot In Here Town & the overly populated Where Are My Glasses City.  I finished with the change of life long ago (although I’m not sure I like what I’ve changed into) & had cataract surgery so I can now read the eye chart at the DMV.  I guess because my ears are as old as I am, I now find myself living in Everybodytalkslikethistown!  I don’t have trouble with hearing it but I have a problem separating the words.  I’m able to get enough of the words to determine it’s some form of English.  

Something like this:




I feel like Jeremy’s mom:


I’d rather be here than in Decrepitville:


Or here:

Some time ago my husband and I were on a cruise.   At dinner we noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room.   I also noticed that all the staff, ships officers, waiters, busboys, etc., all seemed very familiar with this lady.   I asked our waiter who the lady was, expecting to be told she owned the line, but he said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four cruises, back to back. 

As we left the dining room one evening I caught her eye and stopped to say hello.   We chatted and I said, "I understand you've been on this ship for the last four cruises."   She replied, "Yes, that's true."  I stated, "I don't understand" and she replied, without a pause, "It's cheaper than a nursing home." 

So, there will be no nursing home in my future.   When I get old(er) and (more) feeble, I am going to get on a cruise ship.   The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day.   I have checked on reservations and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day.   That leaves $65 a day for:
 

1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.
 

2. You can have as many as 10 meals a day if you can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service (which means you can have breakfast in bed every day of the week).
 

3. The ships have as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night.
 

4. They have free toothpaste, razors, soap and shampoo.
 

5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient.   An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.
 

6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days.
 

7. TV broken?  Light bulb need changing?   Need to have the mattress replaced?  No Problem!   They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.
 

8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them.
 

9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare; if you fall and break a hip on the ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.
 

Now hold on for the best!   Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go?   Several cruise lines will have a ship ready to go.   So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship.
 

P.S. And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side at no 
charge.”* 


For sure, it would be better than this:



A teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their vacation. One child wrote the following:

"We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida and now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people.

"They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear nametags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed, because it is all right now.

"They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool, too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim.

"At their gate, there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts.

"My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds. Some of the people can't get past the man in the dollhouse to go out. So the ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it potluck.

"My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday, too. When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren."


Or they could do this:

A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. "These are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce," she explained.  She then asked, '"What do you do in America with your old goats?" A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours!" 





One thing I DO know about getting old: 





















* And when they do, they wish you "Bon voyage"!----fishducky

 



16 comments:

  1. A lifelong cruise sounds like the perfect way to go.
    I like the Jimmy Buffett song, haven't heard that one in a while.

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    Replies
    1. As a friend of mine says, not so bad!!

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  2. Sigh.
    I am not certain that old age was worth the wait.

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    1. I think old age should come earlier while we're still young enough to enjoy it!!

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  3. Some jokes in here I must tell my Dad!

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    Replies
    1. Your dad's probably a young punk in his 50's!!

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  4. I had heard that about cruises before and seen those who live on them interviewed. Sounds good to me and I am sure Norovirus show up in nursing homes also.

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    Replies
    1. Everything including viruses & perverts show up in nursing homes!!

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  5. Good stuff, though some is a little too close to home.

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    Replies
    1. You think it's too close to home for YOU? I'm 81!!

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  6. SMH, and I thought living in a Walmart would be cheaper. I'm signing up for the life long cruise!
    Lisa

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    Replies
    1. If you retire in Walmart, you have to dress funny!!

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  7. I love the cruise ship idea and I read an article about a woman who actually lived on a ship for many years.

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  8. I think I'll join everyone else on the cruise--LOL! ;)

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    Replies
    1. Welcome aboard!! Would you like a margarita?

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Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.