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Thursday, June 30, 2016

IT AIN'T EXACTLY ROCKET SCIENCE

Steven Wright




(Reworked from a January, 2012 post.)

My mind seems to jump from thought to thought (much like Steven Wright’s, whose lines I’ve stolen added to this post) but that’s OK.  It’s about the only exercise I get these days.

Steven Wright—I intend to live forever.  So far, so good.

For those of you who are concerned with portion control, my theory:  One package, box, bottle, dish or container of any size equals ONE portion.  Doesn’t work too well for dieting, but saves on the math.

SW—I once went to a store that had a sign that said it was open 24 hours.  It was closed.  Next time I went in, I said, “I thought you were open 24 hours.”  The clerk said, “We are.  But not in a row!”

One Friday we flew to London from LA for an engagement party.  The party was Saturday.  We came back on Sunday.  It was great--not enough time to get jet lag.

SW—I poured spot remover on my dog.  Now he’s gone.

The monthly assessments at our condo were being raised.  My husband wrote a very clear letter to all the owners explaining the how’s & why’s of the increase.  One man sent the wrong amount the next month.  I said you didn’t have to be a rocket scientist to understand the letter.  Bud laughed & said, “That’s what’s so funny--he is a rocket scientist!”

SW—Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

My cousin Joann, who, like me, is Jewish, sent her young son to a Christian school.  One day she asked him what he had learned in school that day.  He told her he learned a song about cheese.  She asked him the name of the song & he told her, “Four Cheeses Loves Me”. (For Jesus Loves Me)  Apparently, you have to speak very distinctly to young children.

SW—What’s another word for THESAURUS?

My friend, Barbara, can’t handle food that’s too spicy.  We went out for breakfast to a place where we had eaten before.  Barbara wanted sausage--they offered both link & patty--& she remembered that one was spicier than the other, but she couldn’t remember which.  She asked the waitress the difference between the two sausages.  She was told that the link was long, like a cigar, & the patty was sort of like a hamburger.  I wouldn't be surprised if she told her husband that she served two women who were so stupid they didn't know the difference between link & patty sausage.  Scary--this woman is allowed to drive, vote & reproduce!!

SW—I busted a mirror & got 7 years bad luck.  My lawyer thinks he can get it down to 5.

Things You Never Forget Dept: I was in the second or third grade & my classmates & I were doing some kind of a dance or game where we were holding hands & moving in a circle.  While we were circling, the elastic in my panties broke & down they came!!  My mother never again bought my panties in the bargain basement.

SW—I installed a skylight in my apartment.  The people who live above me are furious.

Wednesday, June 29, 2016

FISHDUCKY'S IMPERFECTIONS


(A reworked post from 2012 with all new cartoons.)

Some things are perfect, like this flower:

Or the pattern of ripples on this lake:



Sit down.  What I’m going to tell you may come as a shock.  I AM NOT PERFECT!!   Let me give you some of the very few examples of this:

When I was about 4--I remember being perfect until that time--my brother was ill & the doctor was coming over to examine him. (Ask your parents what the archaic term “house call” means.  Or your grandparents.)  I was in our backyard doing some genteel ladylike thing such as climbing a tree or possibly digging a hole.  My mother came & got me & dragged led me into the house so she could clean me up in preparation for the doctor’s visit.  She took a washcloth & scrubbed my face.  This did not go over too well with me.  According to my mother, I screamed at her, “PUT THAT DIRT BACK ON MY FACE!!”

We used to go to Acapulco with friends every year.  We always stayed at Hotel Las Brisas.  Las Brisas consists of about 250 “casitas” (little free-standing houses).  Each one has its own fenced in privacy pool where you could go skinny dipping without being seen by anyone.  Early every morning someone would come, clean out the old flowers & toss a few fresh hibiscuses in the pool.  (One day I told Bud I was very upset that I couldn’t use the pool yet.  He asked me why & I told him the flower man was late.  Yesterday’s flowers were still in the pool!!)  Bud & I had finished our room service lunch & had put the tray outside the gate so it could be picked up & we could skinny dip without interruptions.  Someone came to get the tray & I heard the rattling of dishes & glassware.  We had been married between 20 & 25 years at the time, but as they say, old habits die hard.  When I heard the noise outside the gate & realized we were naked & in the pool together, I had a terrifying thought: “Oh, my God, my mother is coming!!”

Las Brisas

Another time I (may) have been guilty:  I was driving with my 3 year old daughter & infant son in the backseat.  I drove through an intersection & was pulled over by a policeman.   I asked him why he had stopped me & he told me I had run a red light.  I honestly told him that I hadn’t--that the light was amber & changing when I went through.  My helpful (?) daughter piped up, “No, Mommy, it was red!!”  It’s always nice to have a witness--however, I would have preferred one who was on my side.  I got the ticket.




And then there was the time I was feeling put upon, unappreciated & totally exhausted--in  other words, completely normal for someone with 3 children, all under the age of 6.  I couldn’t take it any longer.  I had to get away.  I HAD TO RUN AWAY!!  I couldn’t leave the kids alone so I piled them in the backseat of the car & strapped them in to keep them from killing each other.  I understand that there is a secondary (& therefore of lesser importance) benefit to seat belts.  It helps keep them safe.  They asked where we were going.  I told them “I DON’T KNOW!!!!!!!!!!” & not to say another word.  I drove.  Anywhere.  We ended up at an ice cream parlor about 5 miles from the house.  So the trip wouldn’t be a total loss, we all went in & had sundaes.  They wanted to know why I had taken them out for a treat but I wouldn’t allow them to talk yet.

Recently I accidentally dropped something into the disposer, which was not on, so don't worry!! I reached in to retrieve it, which I had done with no problem many times before.  Apparently this was the first time I had tried with these bracelets on.  My hand went in easily & I grabbed the item with my fingertips & could not get my hand out.  The bracelets had made my wrist too big!!  I ran warm water--no help.  I poured some liquid soap--still no good.  I stood there for several minutes crying because I was sure I'd need a plumber or the EMTs to set me free.  I finally was able to roll the bracelets up my arm & my hand slipped right out.  That's when I got the boo-boo on the back of my hand.  (I apologize for the unattractiveness of this picture but my hand's 81 years old!!)
















Shut up & eat your ice cream----fishducky

 



Tuesday, June 28, 2016

WHEN I AM RICH...



In one of Walter Matthau's movies, "Buddy, Buddy", he was supposed to slide down a hotel's laundry chute & land in a laundry cart.  He missed the cart & ended up on the floor.  He had a few bumps & bruises so the studio called the paramedics.  After attending to him, they asked him if he was comfortable.  His answer--"I make a nice living!!" 

The reason I brought this up is that my husband has always made a nice living.  He is very generous with me & the rest of his family.  (To see "Application For Family Membership" click here.)  That being said, there are still some things that I want to taste, wear or own that I probably never will.  They may be a tad too expensive.  They include:

Elizabeth Taylor was the owner of the most expensive engagement ring. It was given to her by Richard Burton. The ring is a 33.19-caret type IIa certified diamond, which means this diamond is exceptional. It is chemically pure and has a high clarity. The diamond is an Asscher-cut and has a large cutlet facet. This ring tops the chart of the top 10 world's most expensive engagement rings with a value of $8.8 million.


This Monopoly game is only $2,000,000. The dice with 42 full-cut diamonds signifying the numbers are priced at $10,000 each. The board game also features the photo etched “Chance” and “Community Chest” cards along with 165 gemstones in total. An ounce of gold which cost between $360 and $460 when it was first crafted now costs over $1,300 an ounce.

Maine conjures images of well-worn fishermen and juicy lobsters, not quite a destination for overpriced cocktails. However, the quaint White Barn Inn in Kennebunk created this $40, 000 cocktail to celebrate its 40th anniversary, priced at what some people earn as a yearly salary. What makes this drink so expensive? It’s garnished with four-carat ruby atop its mixture of Hanger One Vodka, St-Germain, pomegranate, fresh grapefruit juice, and a spoonful of rosewater.


Charlotte Thomas “Bespoke” bed sheets are considered to be the most expensive bed sheets of the world. These sheets are 22 carat gold woven directly into merino wool fabric. 1000 thread counts are made from 100% pure cotton.  The price of Charlotte Thomas sheets is about $2400. 


At a price of $4,800,000, this Lamborghini is the most expensive street-legal production car in the world. Why so much? With no exaggeration, the car is literally coated in diamonds and diamonds aren’t cheap. For the Trevita, the Swedish manufacturer developed a new exterior finish called the Koenigsegg Proprietary Diamond Weave, which involves coating carbon fibers with a diamond dust-impregnated resin. I can’t even fathom how much the touch up paint costs. Underneath the lustrous finish lies a 4.8-liter, dual-supercharged V8 with a total output of 1,004 hp and 797 lb-ft, which means it should have little to no trouble overtaking semis on the freeway.  Just three were ever made.

The prize for the most expensive restaurant in the world goes to Kitcho, which is run by award-winning chef Kunio Tokuoka. Traditional Kaiseki cuisine at this eatery would set him back around $600 per person, but it is famed for being one of the best meals you can get in Japan.

With an astronomical price tag of $500 million just for the base model the sky is no longer the limit when it comes to luxury standards.This is the more expensive private jet of Prince Al-Waleed bin Talal costing more than twice than his other, smaller, less luxuriant private plane. Former 5th richest man in the world, currently still in the top 50, Prince Al-Waleed bin Talal of Saudi Arabia is a man who spares no expense when it comes to being unmatched in terms of luxury.Airbus created a modified empty Airbus A380 just for him for which he paid $350 million. On top of that he started making it his own going beyond anything ever seen.The jet, referred to as the “kingdom in the sky“, besides having everything gold plated  & a solid gold throne in the middle, also has a concert hall, a Turkish bath, a garage for a Rolls-Royce and even a prayer room with electronic mats which automatically rotate to face Mecca.

The "Streets of Monaco" will be the most expensive yacht in the world (well over $1,000,000,000) & one that doesn’t even have an owner yet. The reason for that is said yacht is still under construction, but once built, you can imagine it will have helipads, pools, cinemas and more. And will obviously be bought by some super wealthy oil baron.

If he got me any (or all) of these things
I might consider getting him a new watch:
 Just how many diamonds can one manufacturer put on a $5,000,000 wrist watch? Hublot answered that question with: as many we can fit in there!! They ended up with 1280 diamonds that have at least 3 carats each. It took over 1 full year just to find the diamonds and bring them to the headquarters from all corners of the earth but the end result was fully worth it. Every single stone was cut by a well renowned jeweler from New York, with over 40 years of experience, in order to make sure each bears the same cut signature.

I might settle for a puppy
if he hired a live-in dog brusher:
One of these Tibetan mastiffs is thought to have become the most expensive dog in the world after selling for £1.16 million.



















They say money can't buy happiness but give me a few million dollars & watch me smile!!----fishducky