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Tuesday, June 14, 2016

AN OPEN LETTER TO HER MAJESTY QUEEN ELIZABETH II OF THE UNITED KINGDOM OF GREAT BRITAIN AND NORTHERN IRELAND

Queen Elizabeth going to her birthday costume party
as a lime Popsicle.

(A reprint of one of my first posts--June, 2012.  I wasn't planning on reposting this, but with that green outfit she was wearing, I felt I had to!!)

Dear Liz,

I’m sorry I haven’t written for a while, but things have been a bit hectic here.  You know how that can get!  Since we are so close, I hope you can clear up a few questions that my friends & I have.

Your mommy died in 2002.  You have my sympathy.  Is there someone else who now holds the position of “Person in Charge of Dressing the Queen Funny”?  You always wear a hat—in this day & age, it is not necessary.  Someone said that you have so many hats you must have a special castle to keep them in.  She called it the “Chapeau Chateau”.
 “Rumble in the Jungle” 

 “Robin Hood”

 “Alice in Wonderland” 

  A gold lame schmata? 

A lot of people think their dogs are
special, too, but they haven’t crowned them.

  I like this one—it goes with the dress.


Maybe you should put your hat back on!

I'm not one to criticize,
but it looks like you got dressed in a big hurry.
Your face is upside down!
         
          And you’re constantly carrying a purse.  Why?  I’m pretty sure you’re never carded.  I don’t mean to be insulting, but I would never take you for being under 21.  Do you need to have your driver’s license with you to cash a check or in case one of the carriage horses breaks a leg & you don’t feel like walking home, so you have to rent a car?  Do you make sure when you go out that you have the keys to the castle with you?  (I guess it would be embarrassing to have to climb through a royal window.) Doesn’t your Lady-in-Waiting carry tissues?  Your lipstick?  Altoids?  Don’t tell me you’re a secret smoker!

Surely you don’t need a purse at a casual occasion like this!
           
            I understand that you have an employee whose sole job is to pull your chair into or out from under the dining table when you wish to be seated or stand up.  I further understand that once, at a state dinner, you stood & then leaned forward to speak to a guest.  He had already pulled out your chair when you decided to sit down again.  He failed to read your mind & you sat down—on a chair that wasn’t there!  Your Royal Bottom (or “bum” as they say on your side of the pond) came in contact with the floor.  Bud plays these little jokes on me all the time.  Please do NOT write me to say this is not true.  I like the story & will continue to believe it.

            I have it on very good authority (digitaljournal.com) that your grandsons, William & Harry, once changed the outgoing message on your phone to say, “Hey, wassup?” & that they also put this message on your answering machine: “This is Liz.  Sorry I’m away from the throne.  For a hotline to Philip, press one.  For Charles, press two.  And for the corgis, press three.”  This is why I’m reluctant to have my grandchildren touch my cell phone.

              This story about you & President Reagan is making the rounds.  Is it true?

       The Queen of England decides she wants a Kentucky thoroughbred in the royal stable, so she calls President Reagan, who decides to meet her in Lexington, Kentucky.  When they get there, they decide to go for a ride.

       They're just pulling out of the barn when the Queen's horse's tail goes up and "Lbbttt!" — out comes a monstrous fart.  The Queen says, "I'm so embarrassed!"  Reagan says, "You shouldn't be! I thought it was the horse!"


            Even though you are the Queen of England, it’s nice to know that in your heart of hearts, you’re just a normal person:
 I thought the proper etiquette 
was to remove one’s glove first.
           
            Everything is as well as can be expected here.  I’ll write if I find work.  Hope all is well with you & Phil.  Say “Hi” to those zany kids of yours for me & give the puppies a kiss.  xoxoxo----fishducky
         PS—It might be a good idea to tone down that “I’m the richest person in the world” attitude a tad—just sayin’:

                      















 








Have you ever thought of playing Helen Mirren in a movie?  I think you’d be great!!----fishducky


 

15 comments:

  1. Did I laugh at this the first time round? Because today I didn't find it funny. Perhaps it's my mood. I liked the cartoons.

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    1. You did:


      RiverApril 12, 2014 at 5:51 AM
      I LOVE Chapeau Chateau, what a fabulous name for a hat store!
      I've always wondered abut the handbag too...perhaps it contains tissues in case the loo has run out of paper? More likely someone goes in there first to check the paper supply. So why the bag?

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      Replies

      fishduckyApril 12, 2014 at 8:48 AM
      I figure it's just another secret of the universe!!

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  2. Even though I read this a couple of days ago, once again, I can't stop laughing. We can love the royal family and laugh (with) at them, just as we love . . . huh? I was going to say The Donald and caught myself in time. He's not funny, but you are.

    Love,
    Janie

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  3. I am with River tonight. And yes, the cartoons were great.

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  4. I always think she looks mean. Lets take her to get a hamburger sometime! We could have fun joking with this one! Haha.
    Lisa

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  5. At least the Queen of England can take a joke or a criticism. In Thailand people go to prison just for saying something unflattering about their king.

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    Replies
    1. Don't forget the Muslim countries!!

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Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.