(Reworked from a January, 2012 post.)
My mind seems to jump from thought to thought (much like Steven Wright’s, whose lines I’ve
stolen added to this post) but that’s OK. It’s about the only exercise I get these
Steven Wright—I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
For those of you who are concerned with portion control, my theory: One package, box, bottle, dish or container of any size equals ONE portion. Doesn’t work too well for dieting, but saves on the math.
SW—I once went to a store that had a sign that said it was open 24 hours. It was closed. Next time I went in, I said, “I thought you were open 24 hours.” The clerk said, “We are. But not in a row!”
One Friday we flew to London from LA for an engagement party. The party was Saturday. We came back on Sunday. It was great--not enough time to get jet lag.
SW—I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.
The monthly assessments at our condo were being raised. My husband wrote a very clear letter to all the owners explaining the how’s & why’s of the increase. One man sent the wrong amount the next month. I said you didn’t have to be a rocket scientist to understand the letter. Bud laughed & said, “That’s what’s so funny--he is a rocket scientist!”
SW—Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
My cousin Joann, who, like me, is Jewish, sent her young son to a Christian school. One day she asked him what he had learned in school that day. He told her he learned a song about cheese. She asked him the name of the song & he told her, “Four Cheeses Loves Me”. (For Jesus Loves Me) Apparently, you have to speak very distinctly to young children.
SW—What’s another word for THESAURUS?
My friend, Barbara, can’t handle food that’s too spicy. We went out for breakfast to a place where we had eaten before. Barbara wanted sausage--they offered both link & patty--& she remembered that one was spicier than the other, but she couldn’t remember which. She asked the waitress the difference between the two sausages. She was told that the link was long, like a cigar, & the patty was sort of like a hamburger. I wouldn't be surprised if she told her husband that she served two women who were so stupid they didn't know the difference between link & patty sausage. Scary--this woman is allowed to drive, vote & reproduce!!
SW—I busted a mirror & got 7 years bad luck. My lawyer thinks he can get it down to 5.
Things You Never Forget Dept: I was in the second or third grade & my classmates & I were doing some kind of a dance or game where we were holding hands & moving in a circle. While we were circling, the elastic in my panties broke & down they came!! My mother never again bought my panties in the bargain basement.
SW—I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.