Monday, July 18, 2016


*I am Schaefer & I will be your robot today.
May I offer you some popcorn & beer?

Many years ago Bud & I bought a robot.  As I remember, it was about 1½' tall & cost around $25.00.  The store had another model at twice the size & price.  We asked the salesman which one he'd recommend for us.  He must have figured we'd get bored with it because he said, "Whichever one fits best in your closet after about a month."  We got the smaller one.

Some robot pickup lines from

I am a sex machine. No, I mean that literally.

At the sound of the beep, I can pleasure you continuously for another 10.4 hours.

You make me want to become a better automaton.

My intelligence may be artificial, but the attraction is real, baby.

Do you have a map? I just keep getting lost in your eyes--even though I am programmed with a fully functioning GPS.

You must be a magnet, because you are attracting me. Perhaps it is because I am made entirely of metal.
And some from

Your lips say 0 but your eyes say 1. 

I've got a case of WD-40 in the back, wanna get drunk? 

Do you believe in love at first optical recognition, or should I ambulate by your location again?

I'll show you my source code if you show me yours.

You must be tired because you've been running your code through my CPU all night.

Are those real or were you upgraded in Silicon Valley?

Was that my CPU malfunctioning or did I just feel a spark between us?
Why was the robot angry?  People kept pushing his buttons.

What's a robot's favorite music?  Heavy metal.

Why did the robot go back to school?  His skills were getting rusty.

What did the man say to his dead robot?  Rust in peace.
A ventriloquist doing a nightclub gig with his dummy on his knee tells a dumb robot joke; a beverage service robot stops and shouts at the ventriloquist.

“What gives you the right to stereotype artificial intelligence that way? You should be ashamed of yourself.”  

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer an apology.

“You keep out of this, buster!” it yells, “I’m talking to the little idiot on your knee.”
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy. The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair. "Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector. Now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy. "What did you watch?" asked Marsha. "The Ten Commandments," answered Tommy. The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you, son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents." 

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair. Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!" With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

For someone else's funny post about robots, click here.

Why robots can't tell knock knock jokes:

I may live in my own world, but people know me here----fishducky



  1. So what did your robot do and was he eventually relegated to the closet?

    1. He, unfortunately, didn't vacuum. All we could do was make him walk from person to person & yes, he soon lived in the closet!!

  2. Dilbert (and Wally) are others of my heroes. And a reminder that being forced to retire had some pluses.
    Love the lie detector robot. And suspect it would be relegated to the closet quickly.

    1. At least, after you retired I suspect you didn't have to live in the closet!!

  3. Haha I liked the lie detector bot.

  4. I want to know what yours did also. I sure didn't see Marsha getting clocked coming. So funny.

    1. See my comment to River above. Thanks for sending Granny Annie over!!

  5. You bought a robot!? What did it do? Did it vacuum the floor? (Dagan and Leah have one of those.)

    Poor R2D2. I have to admit I like yours at the end the best, though. ;)

    1. See my comment to River above. Did you mean my closing?

  6. Thanks for educating me on what to say to a dead robot: Rust in peace. Ha!


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