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Wednesday, July 27, 2016

MONEY, HONEY!!




(Reworked from some old posts & new material that I found in my brain.) 


What do you get the man who has everything?  A bag to put it in?  In my husband’s case, the answer is MORE!  When he was growing up & all his friends wanted to be President, he wanted to be the Secretary of the Treasury. What do you get the man who has everything?  A bag to put it in?  In my husband’s case, the answer is MORE!  When he was growing up & all his friends wanted to be President, he wanted to be the Secretary of the Treasury. 

We went to the Treasury’s Bureau of Printing & Engraving When we were in Washington, DC.  Our boys had torn up a dollar bill into a gazillion pieces; an approximation, of course, but Bud had every single piece in a Baggie.  Since the Baggie's pieces contained the serial numbers, we were able to exchange it for a non-shredded bill.  

It was fascinating to watch money being printed.  They didn’t have any free samples, but I was able to buy him a sheet of uncut bills.  We framed it when we got back & it’s hanging in his home office.  It looks like this:


A friend of ours, who is of Japanese descent, gave Bud origami cranes for his 70th birthday.  They were made of $1 bills.  70 is an important birthday in Japan.


A man being mugged by two thugs put up a tremendous fight. Finally, the thugs subdued him and took his wallet. Upon finding only two dollars in the wallet, the surprised thug said, "Why did you put up such a fight?" To which the man promptly replied, "I was afraid that you'd find the $200 hidden in my shoe!!"
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A little boy wanted $100.00 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100.00. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President Obama. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill, as this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00, and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord. It said: Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as usual, those jerks deducted $95.00.
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Did you hear about the $10,000,000 Kentucky State Lottery?
The winner gets $10 a year for a million years!!
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I was in small-claims court when I listened in on the case of a woman who held a good job but still had trouble paying her bills on time. “Can’t you live within your income?” asked the judge.
 
“No, Your Honor,” she said. “It’s all I can do to live within my credit.”
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The best way of saving money is to forget who you borrowed it from.
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An old penny pincher had no friends. Just before he died he asked his doctor, lawyer, and pastor to gather around him at bedside. 

“I have always heard that you can’t take it with you. But I want to disprove that theory,” he said. “I have $90,000 under my mattress, and when I die, just before they throw the dirt on me at my burial, I want you each to toss in an envelope with $30,000 within.” 

The three attended the funeral and each threw his envelope in the grave. On the way back from the cemetery, the pastor said, “I must confess. I needed $10,000 for my new church, so I only threw in $20,000.” 

The doctor then said, “I must confess too. I needed $20,000 for a new hospital I was opening up, so I only threw in $10,000.” 

The lawyer looked at them both and shook his head. He then said, “Gentlemen, I’m surprised, shocked, and ashamed of you. I don’t see how you could dare to go against that man’s final wish. I mean, I threw in my personal check for the full amount.”
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Legend holds that tourists who toss a coin into Rome's Trevi Fountain can be assured of returning to the Eternal City.  Figures published recently suggest that hotels in the Italian capital can expect plenty of bookings in the future - the value of small change recovered from the water is soaring.  Despite the troubles gripping the European economy, it seems more people are willing to throw cash into the famous fountain.  The rise is not solely due to tourists seeking good luck in difficult times, however.  Authorities in Rome have also clamped down on thieves who steal coins from the water.  The Roman Catholic charity Caritas, which fishes out coins once a week to pay for Aids shelters and food for the poor, has noticed a significant change.




"IS IT BETTER TO BE A JOCK OR A NERD?"

Consider Michael Jordan, having "retired", with $40 million in endorsements.  He makes $178,000 a day, working or not.  If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.  If he goes to see a movie, it will cost him $10 or $12, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there.  If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while it's boiling.  He makes $7,415 an hour more than the minimum wage.

He'd make $3,710 while watching each episode of "Friends".  If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.  If someone were to hand him his salary & endorsement money in cash, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.

He'd probably pay around $200 for a round of golf at an expensive course, but would be reimbursed $33,390 for that round.  Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a 401k, his contributions would hit the federal cap of $10,500 at 8:45 am on January 1st.  If he gave you a penny for every $10 he made, you'd have an extra $65,000 a year to play around with.

He'd make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics & about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.  While the common person is spending about $20-$30 for a meal at Jordan's trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5,600.  This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all the past presidents for all of their terms--combined!  Amazing, isn't it?

However--if he saved 100% of his income for the next 500 years, he'd still have less than Bill Gates has at this very moment!

Game over.  Nerd wins.


Here are the lyrics:

MONEY, HONEY

You know, the landlord rang my front door bell.
I let it ring for a long, long spell.
I went to the window,
I peeped through the blind,
And asked him to tell me what's on his mind.
He said,

Money, honey.
Money, honey.
Money, honey,
 If you want to get along with me.

Well, I screamed and I hollered,
I was so hard-pressed.
I called the woman that I loved the best.
I finally got my baby about half past three,
She said I'd like to know what you want with me.
I said,
Money, honey.
Money, honey.
Money, honey,
If you want to get along with me.

Well, I said tell me baby, what's wrong with you?
From this day on our romance is through
I said, tell me baby, face to face
How could another man take my place?
She said,

Money, honey.
Money, honey.
Money, honey,
If you want to get along with me.

Well, I've learned my lesson and now I know
The sun may shine and the winds may blow.
The women may come and the women may go,
But before I say I love you so,
I want

Money, honey.
Money, honey.
Money, honey,
If you want to get along with me.



I assume this is not your problem:

It's probably this:





















Tennis balls have a high rate or return--money; not so much----fishducky

 






16 comments:

  1. "My Bank balance is a constant reminder that I'm safe from identity theft." mine too. I don't like the sound of that lottery where you get $10 a year for a million years. I'd want a bit more than that.
    I like the origami crane very much, he's cute.

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  2. Love those origami cranes.
    And no-one will be stealing my identity any time soon. I can't say I blame them.

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    Replies
    1. If someone steals your identity, are they obligated to pay your old bills?

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  3. I liked the letter to the Lord story. Cute, but believable.
    When I go to the atm to get money, it prints me out a coupon for ramen oodles.
    Lisa

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    Replies
    1. You're on shaky ground when the comment is funnier than the post!!

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  4. I know they say hitting the Lott changes you, but I'd like to test that theory:)

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  5. That was the closest I've been to even a good sum of money for years. ;)
    Only a fool or maybe a homeless person would want to steal my identity--LOL!

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    Replies
    1. Stealing identity is supposed to be an upward move!!

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  6. Fun. I don't believe money will make my problems go away, but I think you end up with a better class of problems.

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    Replies
    1. And I'm sure you'd be more comfortable worrying in a Rolls Royce than on a bike!!

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  7. I want to be like Mike--though being Bill's Momma might not be a bad wish.

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  8. Heh, heh! Math for Dummies!

    ReplyDelete

Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.