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Friday, August 19, 2016

PLEASE FASTEN YOUR SEAT BELTS & RETURN YOUR COMPANION TO THEIR ORIGINAL AND UPRIGHT POSITION




(Reworked from a 2013 post with all new cartoons.)


I found this online, but I have no doubt it could be true: 

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed an extremely well-dressed and exotic young woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray up, Bitch."
humour.200ok.com
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In the early 1980's we flew our entire family to Hawaii for a vacation.  We were living in different parts of the country, so we were on several flights.  There were a dozen or so family members flying with me & Bud.  We boarded our plane & took our seats.  The flight was full & the lady sitting next to me (who was not part of our group) had stuffed luggage & boxes under the seat in front of her & also under the seat in front of me.  I had no room even to put my purse there. The overhead bins were also full & I asked her (nicely) to move her things.  Fair's fair, right?  She became belligerent & asked me in a nasty voice, "Where do you want me to put my stuff?"  My husband's gentle touch on my wrist kept me from giving her an honest & obvious answer.  We called the flight attendant & she emptied the space in front of me. 

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Early in Bud's law practice, he had to go to a small town about 100 miles outside of Kansas City, Kansas, for a client.  He flew into Kansas City & then had to rent a small plane to go the rest of the way, which, shall we say, did not thrill him.  He called a charter service & was told they had three planes that he could choose from.  They said they had a single engine plane which could hold five passengers.  They also had a couple of two engine planes, one of which carried seven passengers & the other nine.  He said he'd take the biggest one.  The clerk said, "Fine" & asked him how many people would be flying.  Bud told him "One."  He was told that it would be a waste of money for one person & asked why he wanted the largest plane.  My husband, who is nothing if not logical, asked, "I assume the biggest plane is the most expensive, right?"  He was told it was.  He continued, "Then I also assume your best & most experienced pilot will be flying it, right?"  Right again. That's the one he took!!

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A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons  The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
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After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor!! Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers: 


(P = the problem logged by the pilot.)

(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.


P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Courtesy Qantas

Some funny stuff from jokes4us.com:


If you masturbate on a plane can they charge you with "hi-jacking"?

New York (CNN): At John F. Kennedy International Airport today, a Caucasian male (later discovered to be a high school mathematics teacher) was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator. According law enforcement officials, he is believed to have ties to the Al-Gebra network. He will be charged with carrying weapons of math instruction. 

A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing when his approach speed was just a little too fast. San Jose Tower:  "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end, if able.  If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport.” 

Q: What’s the difference between a jet engine and a nervous passenger?
A: At the end of the flight the jet engine stops whining 

Q: What do you call it when you're sick of being in the airport?
A: Terminal illness.

Q: What do you get when you cross an airplane with a magician?
A: A flying sorcerer. 

Q: What do you call a pregnant flight attendant?
A: Pilot error.



Are you a Junior Birdman?

I've run this before, but I love it:

















When I was in high school I fulfilled a requirement by taking a class in aerodynamics--the science of flying.  I was the only girl in the class.  Every morning, the teacher would start by saying, "Good morning, boys & girl!"----fishducky

 




14 comments:

  1. If the gay flight attendant isn't real, he should be. Love that story. And the carrion luggage.

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  2. When I read "highjacker", my coffee came out my nose.
    Lisa

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  3. Loved these especially with my fear of flying. Cracked up at the gay attendant.

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    Replies
    1. Flying is perfectly safe--it's LANDINGS that are dangerous!!

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  4. Not a flying squirrel after all? Ha!!

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    Replies
    1. Sometimes you have to find out the hard way!!

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  5. Lots of good stuff here, but the one that made me laugh the most was your story about the gal putting her stuff under the seat in front of you, and then foolishly asking you where you wanted her to put it. HA! Silly woman!

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  6. I'm with Bud when it comes to little planes.

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    Replies
    1. I think he was more concerned with the pilot than the plane!!

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  7. I always enjoy a good carrion joke!

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Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.