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Friday, August 5, 2016

WHY ISN'T THERE A MOTHER'S OLYMPICS?




(Reworked from a 2012 post.)

Happy Olympics, Rio!!


The average mother of young children has the stamina & flexibility of an Olympic athlete, so why shouldn't there be an Olympics for them?  Of course, the events would be tailored to motherhood.  However, there are some risks involved.  (See pictures above.)





  
Below are some proposed events:

Lifesaving luge--Teams of 3 mothers careen down a mountainside at breakneck speed to grab their babies before they put that in their mouths.

500 meter "Ouch, dammit!" relay--Teams of mothers carrying toddlers on their shoulders will run barefoot on a track strewn with Legos & assorted pieces of Barbie dolls.  Toddler's hands must remain over mother's eyes until baton is passed.

Consecutive bathing--Mothers will bathe as many children as possible before one of the already bathed children needs another bath.  Necessity of second bath will be determined by judges wearing Hazmat suits.

Toddler/grocery jump--Mothers will jump over free-moving toddlers while carrying multiple bags of groceries.  Extra points will be awarded for also carrying babies.  Dropping any bags or babies or will result in disqualification.

"The bake sale is tomorrow" race--Mothers will have their choice of baking 6 dozen cookies or 2 dozen cupcakes while children are clinging to their legs. Cookies & cupcakes must be frosted.  If children are frosted, competitors will be disqualified.

Brownie/Cub Scout leader craft pole vault—Mothers will have their children construct a vaulting pole using only materials found in their homes (i.e., the cardboard toilet paper center, twisty straws, paper cups, glitter, etc.).  Points will be divided equally by height of jump & beauty of pole.

"I can't find my favorite shirt" race--Mothers will be required to find, wash, dry & iron a hidden shirt in the shortest time.  Extra points will be awarded for sewing buttons back on.  Buying a replacement shirt or killing child will result in disqualification.

Boxing--Mothers must get as many children as possible in a box, tape it shut, address it & get it to UPS for shipping.  At the moment, judges are undecided whether putting air holes in the box should result in extra points or a deduction thereof.  Addressee refusing package will result in disqualification.

Beach volleyball--Mothers wearing bikinis will propel a child back & forth over a net.  Extra points will be awarded for "spiking" child.  Points will be deducted for no longer being able to fit into a bikini.

Uneven parallel bars--Officials feel this is inherently unfair & that everything in these events should be even.  They are currently working on ways to include this competition on a  more even basis.

Floor exercise--Mothers will first let toddlers feed themselves spaghetti, then clean floor using only mops, brooms, dustpans and/or the family dog.  Use of long haired dogs is suggested.

Cell phone vault--Mothers will call for help while executing a vault.  Having 911 on speed dial will result in disqualification.

Synchronized whining--(Restricted to mothers of 3 or more children) Mothers must train their children to whine a recognizable musical selection.  Extra points will be awarded for operatic arias.

"I need to be at" medley--Mothers will drive multiple children to classes, play dates & sporting events.  Extra points will be awarded for returning children to starting position.  Forgetting any necessary equipment, snacks, clothing or children will result in disqualification.

Unbalanced beam--Mothers must prepare a fancy meal for guests while executing cartwheels, splits & flips on a 4" wide beam.  Extra points will be awarded for children demanding immediate help with their homework or yelling, "She's looking at me!"  Certificate of Unbalancedment signed by a state certified psychiatrist is required. 

Bubble bath marathon--Mothers must stay in a bubble bath with NO children coming into the bathroom.  Scoring will be based on a combination of time in tub, pruniness of fingers & the amount of wine consumed.  Extra points will be awarded if mother falls asleep.  Points will be deducted for children banging on or yelling through the door.


To see some Olympic facts you probably didn't know, click here.


If that doesn't work for you,
how about Olympics for your pets--or fruit?









Many animals think this post was funny:


Of course, there will always be someone who's unhappy:
















I am not insane--my husband had me tested!!----fishducky






25 comments:

  1. floor exercise: I could win this, even with spaghetti. All my babies were tidy eaters, especially Matt, he loved his food and rarely spilled anything.
    about the Beach volleyball; is there a size limit on the bikini?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'll have to check with the judges & get back to you!!

      Delete
  2. If only the mother's had time... Or the energy. I suspect if they were able to be away from the delightful offspring most of them would settle for a nap. A long uninterrupted nap.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A nap will be awarded for first place in any event; a gold medal for second!!

      Delete
  3. Super post! I've played quite a few of those mother Olympic games when our kids were growing up. Looking back, I dunno how in the world I did it.

    LOTS of good cartoons. Let the games begin! (And let there be no problems.)

    ReplyDelete
  4. These were great, Fran! I think I'm glad I only had one to raise because I was all too familiar with enough of the events even with one--LOL! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It is not more difficult to raise multiple children than one-because raising any is damn near impossible. It's the raising; not the number!!

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    2. Yes! I agree with you on that, for sure. :) :)

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  5. Ha! Love the synchronized tweeting!

    ReplyDelete
  6. As alway so many good laughs today. Thanks

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. As always, you're VERY welcome!! Does your husband still read my posts?

      Delete
  7. I just love the Mom Olympics. If you want to start a petition--I'll sign and would love to watch. The senior Olympics guy tickled me. Think I might qualify.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Excellent competitions. I have another one: Who can do the most loads of laundry before the children get up in the morning? All moms must arise three hours before the children get up. Loads must be separated according to color and water temperature. The mom who puts a red item in with the whites is automatically eliminated from the competition and sent home in disgrace because she must be doping, but not the kind of doping the Russians did.

    Love,
    Janie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Excellent suggestion; I will be sure to turn it over to the committee!!

      Delete
  9. I pretty sure I could win a medal in most of these.
    Lisa

    ReplyDelete
  10. LOL! Can someone, please, make it happen?!
    Maybe not the boxing... But if they put holes in the boxes, I guess it's fine, right? I'd love to see that beach volleyball though!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. One vote for air holes from a much missed Baiba!!

      Delete
  11. I'd totally take the Gold in Scout pole vaulting...

    ... but it would take forever to clean up the glitter.

    ReplyDelete

Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.