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Tuesday, September 27, 2016

DO NOT REMOVE THIS DISCLAIMER UNDER PENALTY OF LAW


(Reworked from a March, 2015 post.)

This should just about cover it:

For optimum performance and safety, please read these instructions carefully.

Void where prohibited. No representation or warranty, express or implied, with respect to the completeness, accuracy, fitness for a particular purpose, or utility of these materials or any information or opinion contained herein. Actual mileage may vary. Prices slightly higher west of the Mississippi. All models over 18 years of age. No animals were harmed during the production of this product. Any resemblance to actual people, living or dead, or events, past, present or future, is purely coincidental. This product not to be construed as an endorsement of any product or company, nor as the adoption or promulgation of any guidelines, standards or recommendations. Some names have been changed to protect the innocent. This product is meant for educational purposes only. Some assembly required. Batteries not included. Package sold by weight, not volume. Contents may settle during shipment. No user-serviceable parts inside. Use only as directed.  Do not eat. Not a toy.

Postage will be paid by addressee. If condition persists, consult your physician. Subject to change without notice. Times approximate. One size fits all. Colors may, in time, fade. For office use only. Edited for television. List was current at time of printing. At participating locations only. Keep away from fire or flame. Avoid contact with skin. Sanitized for your protection. Employees and their families are not eligible. Beware of the dog. Limited time offer. No purchase necessary. Not recommended for children under 12. Prerecorded for this time zone. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product appear for identification purposes only. Freshest if eaten before date on carton. Subject to change without notice. Please allow 4 to 6 weeks for delivery. Not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error or failure to perform. Slippery when wet. Substantial penalty for early withdrawal. For recreational use only. No Canadian coins. List each check separately by bank number. This is not an offer to sell securities.

Read at your own risk. Ask your doctor or pharmacist. Parental guidance advised. Always read the label. Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Do not stamp. Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. Contains non-milk fat. Date as postmark. Lost ticket pays maximum rate. Use only in well-ventilated area. Price does not include taxes. Not for resale. Hand wash only. Keep away from sunlight. For a limited time only. No preservatives or additives. Keep away from pets and small children. Safety goggles required during use. If rash, irritation, redness, or swelling develops, discontinue use. Do not fold, spindle or mutilate. Please remain seated until the web page has come to a complete stop. Refrigerate after opening. Flammable. Must be 18 years or older. Seat backs and tray tables must be in the upright position. Repeat as necessary. Do not look directly into light. Avoid extreme temperatures and store in a cool dry place. No salt, MSG, artificial colouring or flavoring added. Reproduction strictly prohibited. Pregnant women, the elderly, and children should avoid prolonged exposure to this product. If ingested, do not induce vomiting. May contain nuts. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Do not use if safety seal is broken.

Apply only to affected area. Do not use this product if you have high blood pressure, heart disease, diabetes, thyroid disease, asthma, glaucoma, or difficulty in urination. May be too intense for some viewers. In case of accidental ingestion, seek professional assistance or contact a poison control center immediately. Many suitcases look alike. Post office will not deliver without postage. Not the Beatles. Products are not authorized for use as critical components in life support devices or systems. Driver does not carry cash. Do not puncture or incinerate. Do not play your headset at high volume. Discontinue use of this product if any of the following occurs: itching, aching, vertigo, dizziness, ringing in your ears, vomiting, giddiness, aural or visual hallucinations, tingling in extremities, loss of balance or coordination, slurred speech, temporary blindness, drowsiness, insomnia, profuse sweating, shivering, or heart palpitations. Video+ and Video- are at ECL voltage levels, HSYNC and VSYNC are at TTL voltage levels. It is a violation of federal law to use this product in a manner inconsistent with its labeling. Intentional misuse by deliberately concentrating and inhaling the contents can be harmful or fatal. This product has been shown to cause cancer in laboratory rats. Do not use the AC adapter provided with this player for other products.

Warranty does not cover normal wear and tear, misuse, accident, lightning, flood, hail storm, tornado, tsunami, volcanic eruption, avalanche, earthquake or tremor, hurricane, solar activity, meteorite strike, nearby supernova and other Acts of God, neglect, damage from improper or unauthorized use, incorrect line voltage, unauthorized use, unauthorized repair, improper installation, typographical errors, broken antenna or marred cabinet, missing or altered serial numbers, electromagnetic radiation from nuclear blasts, microwave ovens or mobile phones, sonic boom vibrations, ionizing radiation, customer adjustments that are not covered in this list, and incidents owing to an airplane crash, ship sinking or taking on water, motor vehicle crashing, dropping the item, falling rocks, leaky roof, broken glass, disk failure, accidental file deletions, mud slides, forest fire, riots or other civil unrest, acts of terrorism or war, whether declared or not, explosive devices or projectiles (which can include, but may not be limited to, arrows, crossbow bolts, air gun pellets, bullets, shot, cannon balls, BBs, shrapnel, lasers, napalm, torpedoes, ICBMs, or emissions of electromagnetic radiation such as radio waves, microwaves, infra-red radiation, visible light, UV, X-rays, alpha, beta and gamma rays, neutrons, neutrinos, positrons, N-rays, knives, stones, bricks, spit-wads, spears, javelins, etc.).

Other restrictions may apply. Breach of these conditions is likely to cause unquantifiable loss that may not be capable of remedy by the payment of damages.

This supersedes all previous disclaimers


Because of today's litigious society, the following manufacturers felt that these disclaimers were necessary:

On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. 

On a bag of Frito's: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

On Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. 

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert:(printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down.

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.

On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery. 

On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness

On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals. 

On a child's superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. 

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only. 

On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.

On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts.
ArcaMax Jokes 



 
























Disclaimer: Today is my birthday so if this post doesn't make sense, I don't care----fishducky



P.S. For information on birthday cakes, click here.

 





18 comments:

  1. A very, very happy birthday to you. With no disclaimers.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I like the windshield sun screens that advise remove before driving.

    Happy Birthday!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think that's a good idea--& thanks!!

      Delete
  3. Celebrate your day like the greek goddess you are. :)
    Love the disclaimers. They never cease to amaze me.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Happy Birthday cool lady. Hope you are thoroughly spoiled today--well for all days but especially today.
    All those disclaimers have me thinking how hapless we consumers are. Yikes.

    ReplyDelete
  5. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! I hope you have a fantabulous day. (With cake!)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We're actually celebrating Sunday with brunch at the Four Seasons; I'll have EVERYTHING!!

      Delete
  6. Wow! Defrosting a TV diner is an excellent suggestion. Who knew?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's why it's important to read the directions!!

      Delete
  7. "Run and run as fast as you can" should have been Donald Snuffatrumpagus's policy last night. Happy Birrrrrthday AARR!

    Love,
    Janie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There are many names I'd be happy to call The Donald--as long as one of them isn't "Mr. President"!!

      Delete
  8. The warning on toothpastes scares the heck out of me.
    Lisa

    ReplyDelete
  9. Happy Birthday! I'm glad you're going out to celebrate, and don't have to cook yourself a birthday dinner.

    Heh, heh! Do not iron clothes on body!

    I guess in Risky Business, Tom Cruise thought that "defrost" thing WAS only a suggestion. I still crack up at him eating that meat popsicle that he pried off the tray. I suppose the glass full of ?bourbon? (they seemed pretty upper class) with a few drops of Coke helped him wash it down.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't remember that; I guess I'll have to watch it again!!

      Delete

Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.