Monday, September 26, 2016


(A reworked post from 9/12/14)

Hallmark’s slogan is “When you care enough to send the very best”.  
Someecards uses “When you care enough to hit send’’.  
The slogan for my new greeting card company will be “Here!”

We offer cards for every occasion.  Here's a sample of our stock:

“Happy birthday!
Don’t be a flake.
Save me some of
That chocolate cake!”

“Here’s my wish for
You this Easter—
Don’t fall down and
Break your keester!”

“It’s Hanukkah!
Here’s your dreidleel toy.
Aren’t you glad
You’re not a Goy?”*


“You had a brand new baby,
And I suppose that’s fine.
But I would've gladly given
You any one of mine."

On your wedding.
That should keep
STD's from spreading."


                                        “Word’s out you’re getting married,
I wish you endless luck.
God knows you’ll really need it
If you say “Yes” to that schmuck.”

"It's about time
You divorced that cow.
Does that mean it’s OK
To hit on her now?”

“Christmas is coming
With lots of good cheer.
I hope Santa
  Brings me beer!”

"So glad you're out of jail.
Did they grant you a parole,
Or did someone slip a file
Into your casserole?"

                                                         "All this snoring
Is making me woozy.
Oh, how I wish
I had an Uzi!"

“Thanks for having me
At your place—
Loved shoving dinner
Into my face!”

“Happy New YEAR!
Auld lang syne!
I need another
Glass of wine!”

"I'm so sorry 
You got fired.
Just pretend that 
You retired."

“Too bad you’re sick.
Just take your pill.
You’ll need it when you
Get the doctor’s bill!”

“You always said to
Eat, drink & live hearty.
We had a great time at
Your funeral party!”

We even offer cards for those "of a certain age"--here are three samples: 

“I know this
Birthday card is late.
So what?  You’re too old
To celebrate.”

“Too many candles can easily start
A blaze in your apartment—
A happy birthday warning from
Your local Fire Department.”

“Because you’ve had so many birthdays
And we all love you a heap,
We pooled our money and decided
To have you put to sleep.”

Here are some that Arcamax offered.  I like mine better:

You totaled your car
and can't remember why.
Could it have been
that whole case of Bud Dry? 

You are such a good friend
that if we were on a sinking ship

and there was only one life jacket
I'd miss you heaps and think of you often. 

When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise. 

Congratulations on your promotion. 
Before you go, 
take this knife out of my back.
You'll probably need it again. 

Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...
almost lifelike!

These cards are from the Advice From Nature series at yourtruenature.com.
They're blank inside:

Another competitor:

Does this look like the start of a fantastic new career or what?----fishducky  



  1. Love your cards - and the cool ones. Which are very cool.

  2. These are great! If I created a card, it would have a special meassage on the back for those that will read a card then flip them over to see the cost or to see if its a Hallmark.

    1. The back of mine say "Another fishducky card" with my ducky on it!!

  3. Mrs. C always sends two cards for birthdays, and always Hallmark. I tell her the people (me in included) would rather just get an envelope with $8 in it!

    1. My birthday is tomorrow--can I have $8.00?

    2. Happy Birthday!!

      I usually charge $8 for that greeting, but this time it is on the house.

  4. I think I might stick with Hallmark! :-)

  5. The perfect cards are sometimes really hard to find. You would have cards for every occasion--LOL! People could probably put in requests, right? :)

    1. Cards made to order would be at a small extra charge!!

  6. You've got plenty of time to come up with an appropriate card for the aftermath of the presidential election. You could maybe have a rendering of Janus on the front, and say something along the lines of "Sorry your candidate won or didn't win."

  7. Love the cartoon with two card choices: Get well and Get over it. Ha!

  8. I think you have found the perfect career. I cracked up at the baby one.

  9. Brilliant cards and words. Instead of buying a new book, just go the card section and spend the time chuckling.

  10. i really like: Happy Birthday, you look great for your age...almost lifelike. I may have that put on a mug for my ex#1's next birthday when he turns 68.


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