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Monday, September 19, 2016

Q: HOW MANY DIVORCED MEN DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHT BULB? A: NONE, THE SOCKETS GO WITH THE HOUSE.





(The first part of this is from old posts; the rest is new.)


Remember, marriage is nature's way of keeping people from 
fighting with strangers!!




Wife: "What are you doing?" 

Husband: "Nothing." 

Wife: "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour." 

Husband: "I was looking for the expiration date."
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I guess our marriage is going to last, but I have to admit my husband shook me up several years ago.  The kids were small & had gone to bed.  Bud was working on something in his home office & I was watching a special on TV about divorce & how so many women found it difficult to cope afterwards.  I went into his office & said, “We’re never going to get a divorce, are we?”  He immediately answered, “NO!”  I asked him how he could answer so quickly & so definitely.  He showed me our financial statement (which is what he had been working on) & said, “Because I can’t live on half of this!”  For years, on the rare occasions when things would get uncomfortable between us after that, I would remind him of his comment.  One day I did just that & he whipped out a new financial statement & proclaimed, “Be careful--I can live on half of this!!”
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 I love this line from the play, “The Fourposter”.  After 50 years of marriage the wife is asked if she had ever thought of divorce.  Her answer—“Divorce? Never.  Murder?  Yes!”
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 On their 25th anniversary, a couple’s son goes to his parent's house.  He finds his father in the bathroom, crying.  The son says, "Don't be ashamed of crying, Dad.  I know how you must be overwhelmed by having such a wonderful wife for 25 years."  His father says, "You don't understand.  On our wedding night, I got so mad at your mother that I tried to kill her.  I only stopped when she told me that if I killed her, they'd put me in prison for 25 years.  I would have been a free man today!!"
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My mother-in-law was asked the secret of her long marriage.  Her answer: Momentum!!
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Some celebrity quotes from funny-jokes-quotes-sayings.com:

An open marriage is nature's way of telling you that you need a divorce. 
- Ann Landers

The judge said, “All the money, and we’ll just shorten it to 'alimony.’”
- Robin Williams

The difference between a divorce and a legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money. 
- Johnny Carson

In our family we don't divorce our men — we bury them. 
- Ruth Gordon

A friend of mine recently divorced his wife after 37 years. He said he was looking for a some-sex relationship.
- Greg Tamblyn

Stephen Hawking is getting a divorce. That's scary. If the smartest guy in the world can't figure out women, we're screwed.
- Jay Leno

A lot of people ask me how short I am. Since my last divorce, I'm about $100,000 short.
- Mickey Rooney

Half of all marriages end in divorce — and then there are the really unhappy ones. 
- Joan Rivers

For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.
- Woody Allen

My divorce came to me as a complete surprise. That's what happens when you haven't been home in eighteen years.
- Lee Trevino

When I divorced I went through the various stages of grieving: anger, denial, and dancing around with my settlement check.
- Maura Kennedy

I bequeath all my property to my wife on the condition that she remarry immediately. Then there will be at least one man to regret my death.
- Heinrich Heine

Conrad Hilton was very generous to me in the divorce settlement. He gave me 5000 Gideon Bibles.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house.
- Lewis Grizzard

I’m not upset about my divorce. I’m only upset I’m not a widow.
- Roseanne Barr



Some really expensive divorces from directexpose.com:

Donald and Ivana Trump

Donald and Ivana Trump’s wedding was the society event of the 70’s. The couple met in the early 70’s, when Ivana was a young Czech Olympic skier and The Donald was already a bonafide business mogul. Though she was married to someone else at the time, it didn’t take long for the colorful businessman to win her over with his undeniable charisma.
Dave Kotinsky/Getty Images
After the wedding, Ivana became part of the Trump empire as vice president of interior design, as well as president of the Trump Castle Hotel and Casino. The couple also had three children together, including businesswoman and former model, Ivanka. Divorce rumors started to spread after Trump met young beauty pageant winner and soon-to-be second wife, Marla Maples. After a much-publicized confrontation between the two women, the Trumps ended up getting an estimated $25 million divorce.

Craig McCaw and Wendy Petrak
Craig McCaw originally founded McCaw Cellular, and then sold his company to AT&T for a hefty sum of $12.6 billion. At the time, he and his wife Wendy Petrak, had been married 21 years. Years later, in 1995, McCaw and Petrak divorced due to ‘personal differences’.
relationblips.com
There was a division of money, as well as other luxuries like properties, boats, etc. In the end, Petrak was given $460 million. Though the settlement wasn’t small, McCaw had little financial issues as he proceeded to found Clearwire, a company that eventually merged with Sprint Nextel. Not bad, right?

Rupert Murdoch and Anna Maria Torv
Over the span of forty years, Murdoch made his fortune by acquiring news outlets such as, the Chicago TimesNew York magazine, and Century FOX Film Corporation; which he later consolidated with several independent television networks, making FOX, Inc.
Getty Images/Chris Ware
All of his hard work created an obscene amount of cash for Murdoch and his wife of 32 years, Anna Torv. Murdoch was reported to have a net worth of roughly $8 billion. Together, the pair had four children, and in 1999, the couple divorced. As a result, Torv was given a whopping $1.2 billion for the settlement.
A very old version of "Makin' Whoopee":

Ladies, be patient.  A divorce is not always necessary:
















Our anniversary was coming up & my husband asked me what I wanted as a gift.  I told him "A divorce" & he said he wasn't planning on spending that much----fishducky


 





18 comments:

  1. Never having married, a divorce isn't an option. Some times murder is. Probably for both of us.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You may be better off; you could check with River!!

      Delete
  2. I've divorced twice and still have the nothing I started with, so all in all, not so bad.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Do you have ALL the nothing or just part of it?

      Delete
    2. Probably just part of it, since I now also have furniture, children and grandchildren.

      Delete
  3. Replies
    1. So says a man still in his first marriage!!

      Delete
  4. "Be careful--I can live on half of this!" Bud not only looks good naked, he is funny too. Lucky you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "Looks good naked" is NOW the wrong tense, unfortunately!!

      Delete
  5. I was a foolish woman, I guess. Divorced twice, but so glad to get away that I only took my few belongings I came with. I'd seen people fight for years over stuff. It's just stuff. I was much happier free and poor. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There's nothing wrong with being free & rich!!

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    2. That wasn't really one of my options--LOL

      Delete
  6. Lots of stuff here, but that first cartoon, the alligator one, had me in stitches.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Love the guy who thought he was God. ha!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There are a lot of guys like him out there!!

      Delete

Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.