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Thursday, October 13, 2016

JOB INTERVIEWS THAT WERE HELD IN MY HEAD




(Extensively reworked from a 2013 post.)

Did you ever wonder what some famous people would have said if they were being interviewed for a job?  You didn't?  Well, I did!  Here's what I think they might have said:

Julius Caesar: "My last job involved a lot of office politics and back stabbing. I'd like to get away from all that."

Harry Houdini: "Sorry I'm late.  I got stuck in the restroom & I couldn't get out."

The Boston Strangler:  "Your daughters are really cute.  Would you mind if I dropped in to visit them sometime?"

Donald Trump: "I could be a yuge asset to your company."

Hannibal Lecter: "I'd like to invite you to, I mean for lunch."

Kim Kardashian: "So your company doesn't actually manufacture anything?  That's all right, I can make you famous for being famous."

Michael Jackson:  "I'd like to work in the children's department.  I'm very good with children."

Dumbo: "No, commuting to work would not be a problem.  I'll just fly in."

Usain Bolt: "I'd rather get paid by the piece.  I'm very fast."

Caitlyn Jenner: "No problem; I'd be happy to work in either the men's or women's department."

Jesse James "I can list among my experiences and skills: leadership, extensive travel, logistical organization, intimate understanding of firearms, and a knowledge of security measures at numerous banks."
 

Marie Antoinette: "I admit my management style has been criticized, but I like to think of myself as a people person."

Any Supreme Court justice: "Well, if you really want my opinion..."

Joseph Guillotin: "I can give your company a head start on the competition." 

Hamlet: "My last position was eliminated in a hostile takeover.  How much are you offering?  After all, the pay's the thing!"

The Wizard of Oz: "Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.  I can handle this interview all by myself." 

Mario Andretti: "About that company car you're offering--does it matter if I can only turn left?"

Pandora: "I can bring a lot to your company. I like discovering new things."
 

Genghis Khan: "My primary talent is downsizing. On my last job I downsized the population of several countries."

Lady Godiva: "What do you mean, this isn't business casual?"

Macbeth: "Would I go after my boss's job?  Do I look like the kind of guy who would knock off his boss for a promotion?"

Franklin Delano Roosevelt: "Don't worry about me quitting after a few months.  I always keep a job as long as I possibly can." 

Cher: "I’m so glad you require uniforms.  I never know what to wear."

Sally Field: "You're interviewing me!  You're really interviewing me!!"

Adolph Hitler: "I don’t mind working my up through the ranks.  I will OWN this company one day!"

Queen Elizabeth ll: "Is this an animal friendly office?  I have a couple of corgis…"

Attila the Hun: "Hire me & I guarantee we’ll crush the competition."

Albert Schweitzer: "I hope there’s not a lot of math involved.  I'm really tired of math."

Henry David Thoreau: "Would it be okay to work from home?  The reason I ask is there’s a really nice pond near where I live…"

Sir Isaac Newton:  "This bump?  It’s nothing.  For some strange reason, apples seem to keep falling on my head."

 Dr. Henry Heimlich: "Is there something stuck in your throat?  Here, let me help you…"

Yogi Bear:  "Do you mind if we have lunch while we talk?  I brought a picnic basket with me."

Marcel Marceau: “--------"

Designer of the Titanic:  "What could possibly go wrong if you hired me?"

Dr. Seuss: "I want to work, I’m not a jerk.  Give me lots of money & I’m sure I could be funny."

Francis Scott Key:  "I just thought of a little jingle that your company might use.  Let me sing it for you."

Michelangelo: "What do you mean, you don't understand what I said--do I have to paint you a picture?"

Hugh Hefner: "Your receptionist is really hot.  Do you think she’d mind if I took her picture?"

Samson:  "OK, I’ll wear a net or put it in a ponytail, but there’s no way I’m getting my hair cut for this job!"  

Elvis Presley: "My last boss and I...say, are you going to eat those fries?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Here's a story about a woman who desperately needs a job--& a business manager:

An elderly couple were discussing the dire straits of their financial situation.  
Him: "You're gonna have to get a job!"
Her:  "I should get a job?  What could I do?"
Him:  "You could be a whore."
Her:  "I could be a whore?"
Him:  "You could try."
Her:  "I'll try."
The next evening she comes home, totally exhausted & looking like something the cat dragged in.
Him:  'So, how'd you do?"
Her:  "Okay--I made $13.10."
Him:  "$13.10!  Who gave you the 10 cents?"
Her:  "Everybody gave me 10 cents!"

A different sort of interview:

If you're a cat & looking for a job, click here.

If you're looking for the best job in the world, click here. 

















I have an easy job.  I'm off Monday through Friday & I don't work weekends.  You might be able to find a position like this--just check the want ads under "Jewish American Princess wanted".  (Warning: You may have to sleep with your boss!!)----fishducky

 





20 comments:

  1. Some laughter and a few winces.
    Being paid like a man is truth, and is further than I was ever prepared to go.
    Thanks Fran.
    And our cats are indeed gravity checkers and furriers.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yet another follower of the anti-bulge movement!!

      Delete
  2. These were great, Fran....good thing we can select applicants before the interview to avoid some really stupid ones.

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  3. This was fun. I especially enjoyed the cat jobs. Minnie has perfected restroom attendant.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If something is worth doing, it's worth doing well!!

      Delete
  4. Great interview possibilities. If there's anything I hate, it's a job interview. I can tell within minutes that they're not interested in me.

    Love,
    Janie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Just hold the interview in your head!!

      Delete
  5. I havnt had a job interview in 23 years. Ill take notes here. Hahaha.
    Lisa

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Who knows? They could come in handy!!

      Delete
  6. Heh, heh! There are some great ones here. Those interviews kind of reminded me of the fake reviewers for my fake books. I especially enjoyed Sally Field, Dr. Heimlich, Marcel Marceau, and Michelangelo. Also liked the 10-cent whore. But then, who wouldn't?

    ReplyDelete
  7. Great interviews here :)
    Jesse James' resume looks good, he's multi-talented.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've heard you can trust him; he's a straight-shooter!!

      Delete
  8. I retired 7 years ago and should have interviewed myself for it. Very tough adjustment.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I love my job (see my sign off)--I'll NEVER retire!!

      Delete
  9. These were great--love the cat jobs. This is why Karma thinks she's underappreciated.
    (I got seven posts at a time this time.)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. She gets free room & board--what's she complaining about?

      Delete

Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.