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Monday, December 12, 2016

IF I REMEMBER CORRECTLY, SENILITY SUCKS!!


But He apparently didn't expect me to last this long,
because a lot of my parts are wearing out!!
I just found out I have degenerative arthritis in my neck & due to
the simple act of breathing my neck & one shoulder are extremely sore.
Sort of like this:
 

Now onto today's post:






(Reworked from a 2013 post.)

THE SENILITY PRAYER:

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, & the eyesight to tell the difference.


As I've gotten older, I've discovered  that:

I was born with nothing, & I still have most of it left.
My wild oats have turned into prunes & All Bran.
I finally got my head together & now my body is falling apart.
I don't remember being absent minded.
I don't remember being absent minded.
It's easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
Some days you're the bug, some days you're the windshield.
I wish the buck stopped here--I could sure use a few.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees.
It's not hard to meet expenses--they're everywhere.
All reports are in; life is officially unfair.
All is not lost, but I still can't find it!

The senility virus (I like to think of it as a virus) can also affect your ability to use the computer.  Some examples:

1--You send the same email twice (or more).
2--You send blank email.
3--You send email to the wrong person.
4--You send email back to the person who sent it to you.
17--You number paragraphs out of order.
5--You forget to attach the attachment.
6--You hit "send" before you've finished the
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My brain needs a nap.  How about some jokes:

Have you ever looked at others your own age & thought, "Surely, I can't look that old!"?

My name is Alice & I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with my new dentist.  I noticed his DDS diploma on the wall, which bore his full name.  Suddenly I remembered a tall, dark & handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40 odd years ago.  Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on way back then? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.  This balding, grey haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.  After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Hill High School.  "Yes, yes, I did--I'm a Mustang," he gleamed with pride.  "When did you graduate?" I asked.   "In 1975, why?"  I said, "You were in my class!"  He looked at me closely.  Then that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled face, fat assed, grey haired, decrepit son of a bitch asked, "What did you teach?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The doctor tells his patient, Muriel, "Well, I have good news & bad news."  Muriel says, "Tell me, Doc, what's the bad news?"  The doctor tells her, "You have Alzheimer's disease."  "So what's the good news?" she asks.  He says, "You can go home & forget about it," he says.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~     

Three older men are undergoing a memory test at the nursing home.  The doctor asks, "What is 3 times 3?"  The first man says, "274."  The second man answers, "Tuesday."  The third man says, "9."  The doctor says, "Great--that's right!  How did you get that answer?"  "Simple," the man says, "Just subtract 274 from Tuesday!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little old lady was running up & down the halls of her nursing home.  As she ran, she'd flip up the hem of her nightgown & say, "Supersex!"   She ran up to an elderly man in a wheelchair, flipped her gown at him & said, "Supersex!"  He thought for a minute & said, "I'll take the soup!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ninety five year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home.  She holds her clenched fist in the air & announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!"   An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant!"  She looks in her hand, thinks for a minute & says, "Close enough!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



And some cartoons:











 
 

   

 





----fishducky


 


22 comments:

  1. Sigh.
    All too familiar. Some years back I got interrupted signing my name to a document. Interruption over, I couldn't remember how to spell my surname.
    And things have got worse, not better.
    I can however hide my own Easter eggs.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'll give you a hint; it starts with a "G"!!

      Delete
  2. I love the old dear with the post-it notes all over her. She could get confused just reading them.
    I don't think I'd like to start forgetting things, I suppose if it happens I won't remember that I once knew stuff.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. As I've told you before, some of my best memories my husband claims NEVER happened!!

      Delete
  3. So far so good, but I'm not above faking sometimes to get a little extra help...most people are more helpful if you appear bewildered.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If you look bewildered & use a cane, you NEVER have to wait in line!!

      Delete
  4. I think the best part of being senile would be that you can say anything you want and nobody will take you seriously.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Senility sucked for me five minutes ago. I can't remember how it felt six minutes ago.

    Love,
    Janie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I hope you don't expect ME to tell you!!

      Delete
  6. Getting more familiar each year...funny, yet scary. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  7. Love the senility prayer and onstar for the senile just might be a great idea.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm thinking of getting Onstar for the senile!! (I may have already ordered it; I don't remember.)

      Delete
  8. You always make me laugh. I think my favorite here is the senility prayer.
    Thank you, Fishducky.
    Be well, witty friend.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I TRY to stay well; it doesn't always work!!

      Delete
  9. Heh, heh. The dentist one got me. I thought she was going to find out he was the SON of the guy she went to school with.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Dang, you've stepped all over my toes with this one :)
    r

    ReplyDelete

Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.