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Thursday, December 8, 2016

THINGS THAT NOBODY EVER SAID TO ME



I've had many things said to me over the years, but I don't recall ever hearing these:


Mugger (while giving back purse)/How do you find anything in here?

Doctor/Keep smoking—it’s good for you.

Mammogram tech/This won’t hurt at all.  It’s designed by a woman.

Traffic cop/No, I didn’t see you blow that stop sign.  I just pulled you over because you were so pretty.

Contractor/I finished all my remodeling jobs on or before their due date.

Art dealer/I want to buy every single one of your paintings.

Waiter/As a matter of fact, I did spit into your food.  Why do you ask?

Car salesman/As you know, I’m sworn to tell the truth.

Exterminator/I’m afraid of bugs.

Passport photographer/Everybody loves my work.

House painter/I just knew you’d love all your walls in red.

Tailor/Are you sure you want these seams let out instead of taken in?

Dance partner/Please don’t apologize.  I love it when you step on my feet.

Lobster/I don’t mind baths—the hotter the better.

My kids/Mommy, would you like some peace & quiet?

Golf instructor/You have the perfect swing.

Tiger/Of course you can pet me.  I promise I won’t bite.

Mechanic/The final bill on your car repairs came to $137.80 less than the estimate.

Opposition’s attorney/I’m sorry, Your Honor, my client must have lied.

God/You are perfection incarnate.


Two things I thought I'd never hear, but I did:

1. A Bank of America manager to a teller about us/Give them anything they want

We had a great relationship with our local B of A manager.  We were out of the area & stopped in another branch to cash a large check.  We did not have the proper identification.  Bud told them to call our manager & said that he would tell them to give us anything we want.  We could see the manager making the phone call & start to laugh.  He said our manager said to give us anything we want--so he did!!

2. My doctor/don’t lose any more weight

I've always had a problem with my weight but I lost pounds rapidly on the liquid protein diet.  I wanted to lose a couple more pounds so my actual weight would match the weight on my driver’s license.

















My husband/Marrying you was the smartest thing I’ve ever done----fishducky


 


21 comments:

  1. So what, apart from cashing a large cheque, did you want from your bank?
    And that final segment on things you never thought you'd have to say is just plain scary.

    ReplyDelete
  2. something I heard that wasn't totally unexpected:
    me: we've won $600
    hubby: great, now we can get the car fixed.
    cost of car repairs? $598.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What did you do with the other $2.00?

      Delete
    2. Hot chips for the kids for lunch.

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  3. Nobody ever told me they wanted to buy all my paintings. But thanks to you I'll now be dreaming about it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ♪♫♪ When you wish upon a star...

      Delete
  4. Are you pooping right now? This post made me laugh. Thank you.

    Love,
    Janie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I hope she was asking her kid & not her husband!!

      Delete
  5. A golf pro once told me my swing was perfect for hitting an out of control slice...does that count?

    ReplyDelete
  6. OK I just lost it at grandmas piercings.
    Lisa

    ReplyDelete
  7. I'm sorry, my client must have lied, made me snort :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My husband is a lawyer; it made him snort, too!!

      Delete
  8. So many things we will never hear--LOL!
    Have a great day, Fran! :)

    ReplyDelete
  9. My dog gives me that same look. I'm sure it makes her day.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Probably--she's not the one with the pooper scooper!!

      Delete
  10. Things I never thought I'd say: "Stop plugging your brother's fart hole!"

    Let the record show that my oldest (9 or 10 at the time) had learned how to make fart noises with a straw in his armpit, and the younger was putting his finger over the end.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Have you ever read a book called "Please Don't Eat the Daisies"?

      Delete

Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.