Thursday, February 4, 2016


My son Matt sent me this:

The computer swallowed Grandma,
Yes, honestly it's true!
She pressed 'control' and 'enter'
And disappeared from view.
It devoured her completely,
The thought just makes me squirm.
She must have caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.
I've searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind;
I've even used the Internet,
But nothing did I find.
In desperation, I asked Mr. Google
My searches to refine.
The reply from him was negative,
Not a thing was found 'online.'
So, if inside your 'Inbox,'
My Grandma you should see,
Please 'Copy', 'Scan' and 'Paste' her,
And send her back to me.

Following (after these 2 cartoons) are some clarifications & instructions for getting the maximum use from your computer.  The first one is the most important.  My computer has graciously put them in alphabetical order for your convenience, although I don't recall asking it to do that.  The incorrect alignment, spacing & indentations were also courtesy of my computer.

 Abandon all hope, ye who press ENTER here

 According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.

 A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord.

 Air conditioned environment - Do not open Windows!

 All computers wait at the same speed.

 A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray &  the blinking red light.
As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.

Compatible: Gracefully accepts erroneous data from any source.

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts.

Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...

Failure is not an option; it comes bundled with the software.


Hit any user to continue.

I haven't lost my mind; it's backed up on tape somewhere.

I know I'm supposed to back up my files, but I still haven't found reverse on my PC.

If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce today would cost $100, get a million miles to the gallon, & explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

If your computer says, "Printer out of Paper," this problem cannot be resolved by continuously clicking the "OK" button.

In my next life I'm going to have more memory installed. 

It's not a bug; it's an undocumented feature. 

It works! Now if only I could remember what I did... 

Keyboard: Instrument used to enter errors into computer. 

Keyboard not connected, press F1 to continue. 

Maintenance-free: When it breaks, it can't be fixed... 

Oxymoron: Microsoft Works.

Press any key...no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!

Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...

Reference Manual: Object that raises the monitor to eye level. Also used to compensate for that short table leg.

The definition of an upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.

There are only 10 types of people in this world: those who understand binary, and those who don't.

There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works.

To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.

User error: replace user and press any key to continue.

Warning, keyboard not found. Press Enter to continue. 

Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?

And here’s an actual excerpt from a windows program help file:

“If the Start Windows Restart when Windows starts check box is checked 
Windows Restart will start automatically every time Windows is started.”

This first cartoon is from my other son, Blake, 
who regularly solves my computer problems:

Smart phones may not be safe, either:

Do you suppose evolution could be God's way of installing upgrades?----fishducky